A Part or In The Middle

So, I don't claim to be an expert on anything other than what I know about myself.  But even then, sometimes I have no idea.

I know the 20's is really a time to be learning more about who you are, making friends from all different parts of the world, and exploring different places.  It's about a lot of change and, hopefully, a lot of growth.  Now, this isn't to say that the rest of your life doesn't include any of those experiences.  But it sometimes feels like the 20's are more saturated with that, seeing that many of my friends who are older are a little more set in their ways.

More recently, however, I've felt more like isolating myself.

Home Is?
With the holidays upon me, I can't pretend that I don't get homesick.  But now the question is, what is home to me?

A good friend of mine recently moved back to the U.S, and he is a much wilder person than I could ever be.  His point of view of the whole thing is that "home" isn't a location, it's the people, so you can be at home anywhere.

This really made me think quite a bit.  I know that I feel at home here in Boston, but I also feel at home in Los Angeles.  The difference right now is that I also feel like a visitor in Los Angeles.  While L.A. is where my family and friends are, Boston is a place where I am also building a life.

Now, if "home" is the people, then it can also be fluid and it can also come to where you are.

Then, why is the impetus always on me to go back to Los Angeles?  Don't get me wrong.  I love L.A.  I love California.  I want to move back there eventually.  But for now, Boston is my home.

I guess money is part of the issue.  It costs more for people to visit me here because of plane tickets and possible hotels.  If I flew to California, I would most likely not have to pay for a hotel.

But there's just something about that that doesn't seem fair.  I like visitors just as much as the next person.

You can find me among the clouds,
drifting between spaces.

Where is the Heart?
In the past year, most of my travels home have been to spend time with family.  Though I wanted to see my friends as well, my family would take precedence. 

In my mind and memories, I've always considered myself extremely close to my family.  The fact that my parents have trusted me to stay in Boston means that they really love me and want me to experience a wide variety of things.  I love my siblings, and I have always encouraged them to explore the world and not get stuck in L.A.  I love my extended family, and though we are so varied and spread out throughout the world, I feel like they are part of what keeps me grounded.

However, I was always somewhat separated.

When I was younger, I was also the oldest of the Los Angeles cousins, older by 5 years.  When I was away at college, they were all still in middle and high school.  Now that I'm in Boston, they're all going through their late teens and early 20's.

On the other end, I'm also the youngest of the group when I consider my older cousins.  Many of them were getting married and having kids when I was in high school and college.

I do have a couple of cousins that are my age, but I didn't grow up with them he way I did with my younger family members.

But more recently, I've just felt so distant.

I don't feel like I'm part of the family.  I don't feel like I'm included in anything.  I feel like I'm last to hear about a lot of things.  Honestly, I feel like I'm being punished for having moved so far away on my own.

This holiday season will be the first time that I'm not going back to L.A. to be with family.  Because the boyfriend hasn't been able to see his family at all for more than a year, and I've been to L.A. 3 times this year, I wanted us to be able to spend time with his family as well.  Plus, with the kitties still young, we don't want to leave them alone for too long.

Now that my maternal grandmother passed earlier this year, I feel like there isn't necessarily a need to have family parties in our house anymore.  So, I know my parents and brother are going to San Francisco to be with my sister for Thanksgiving.  It's awesome that they all get to be together, and I'm sad to miss the experience.

But in the next year, it'd be nice if I got a visit.  From anyone.  Maybe because they're also homesick for me.

8Things - Passion, You're Soaking In It

In the midst of all that is happening right now (some of which you know about, i.e. Greece, and some of which you don't know about but will learn of soon in an upcoming post), I'm trying to figure out and hold on to the things I feel passionate about.

This week's 8Things Thursday is about just that:  passion.  Where do you find it?  Is it cultivated from childhood?  Does it change with age or experience?  Is there such a thing as too much of it?

I know what I am passionate about, and I will list it below.  In my search for love, I've always felt that I would want my partner to feel passionate about something as well, something outside of themselves.

Being a social worker/community organizer, I've thought about whether I would be able to date someone who has the same level of passion for a cause.  If our causes matched, then I could imagine myself being very happy, but also tiring of it since I wouldn't be able to rest my passions even for a moment.  If our passions were different, I think it would be exciting, but I also wonder about whether we would end up having time for each other outside of our separate passions.

Nonetheless, I do know that I would want my partner to feel passionate about something.  Whether that be politics or music, I want their eyes to shine and  their speech excite at something other than me and the relationship.

These are the things that make my eyes shine.

1.  Working with kids.  An upcoming post will explain more soon.  But to say the least, it is amazing to see the young folks do things better than the adults would do.

2.  The ocean.  Swimming in it, being around it, sitting and watching the sunset (on the West Coast, of course).

3.  Yoni and Mencken.  Never did I think that I would be a proud mama to two kitties.  I feel that my life is so much better with them in my life, and I would probably go crazy on anyone who tries to hurt them.

Afternoon nappies

4.  Music, music, music.  I would rather cut off my pinky toes and pinky fingers instead of not being able to listen to music.  I also know that playing music would probably require a pinky finger.  But I will work my way around it, and still be able to play my instruments.

5.  Dance, dance, dance.  So, this is cheating, as it is an extension of music.  Being able to choreograph or perform for others helps me feel so energized.  I am proud to be able to use my body in such a wonderful way.

6.  My camera.  I love to be able to capture the strangest or most beautiful things at a moments notice.  Sharing is caring after all.

Cheesey

7.  Learning.  My brain is so full of bits and pieces of information, some of which I'm not even aware of.  I'm not necessarily book smart, nor do I test well.  But, I revel in little factoids.

8.  Being a tiny speck.  Though I'm not in any way religious, I know that I am just a tiny speck in the scheme of things.  There are people, ideas, unknown things outside me that I will never know about.  But the least I can do is leave my little area a little better than when I found it.

I'm one of those people!

Dream Escapes - Packing Late

I had this dream a couple of weeks ago, but now I feel like I've had time to really think about it.

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I was running around, being generally busy.  I felt like I was running around the same location a lot.

My boyfriend suddenly stopped me, saying, "What are you doing?  We need to leave in 20 minutes!"

I suddenly remembered that we were heading to Maine, and we needed to leave as quickly as we could.  But, I was having so much trouble packing.  I didn't know what to pack, and I was hesitant about packing.

I could feel him getting so angry at me, but I just didn't want to rush.

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Goodness, is it really obvious what this is about, or what?  I know he doesn't really read my blog, and if he does read this it's not a surprise because I'm very honest with him.  But I am so not ready to be married to him.

He's so ready to go.  And I've been straight up with him, saying that if he asks me now, I would have to say no.

We argue about really stupid sh*t.  Including money.  The way I look at it, I feel like I should be able to handle my own finances before getting into a financial contract like marriage.  And being unemployed...no, wait..the BOTH of us being unemployed isn't exactly a good time to be financially stable.

In the end, I'm sure it's supposed to be all about how much we love each other.  But it's deeper, folks.  Why I'm about to admit this to the blogophere, I don't know...but here it is.

I don't know if I can handle all the issues that he's already got.  I don't know if I can be strong enough to handle my own problems along with his.  He still needs to figure out what his passions are in life outside of our relationship, while I feel like I've been passionate about something for most of my life.  What if we have children?  Would he be able to handle all the stress?

I know that most of my hesitance really comes from my own preferences, my own belief systems, and my own guidelines for the way I live my life.


He seems to be ready to move on to another part of his life, regardless of what he's got packed in his suitcase.  I, on the other hand, am still trying to find the right things to bring along with me.