I Won't Be Home for Christmas

This past weekend, I realized that this Christmas was going to be extremely different from previous years because this would be the first year that I would spend it away from my family.

Since the boyfriend hadn't seen his dad and stepmom since September 2009, I thought that he should definitely spend it with them.  I also wanted to try spending Christmas on the East Coast, and hope for a white Christmas.

Unfortunately, his family dynamics are quite different from mine, and I knew that he wouldn't really reach out to them unless I was coming with him.  So, I had been pushing for him to find out what the plans were for Christmas.  It was taking him a while to get in touch with his dad, and he suddenly admitted that he was just worried that there would be family drama.

At that point, I really realized how different this year is going to be.  While I'm sure it will be an enjoyable and happy holiday, it is definitely going to be different from what I'm used to.

I'm used to tons of (Filipino) food, tons of people, tons of gifts, gift opening at December 24th/12 midnight/December 25th (not the morning of the 25th), loud conversation, and lots of laughs.

Christmas 2009

Last year, the boyfriend got to spend Christmas with my family, when the previous year he had to spend it by himself (due to some family drama).  I figure I need to spend Christmas with his family as well.

With some things coming up for me in terms of my family, I've talked about how I've felt like separating myself a bit.  But, I'm also nervous about my expectations getting in the way of my enjoyment.

I do miss my family, and I'm sad that I'm not going to be with them this year.

But on the other hand, I feel like this is part of growing up.  If I were married, we would have to negotiate the holidays, especially considering that I couldn't expect my partner to be family-less or to not spend time with his family.

I have tons of friends who are already spending holidays away from their families.  This is just the first time I'm doing so.  And really, it's up to me to make it something of my own with my own little family on the East Coast.

Toesies of the Month - March 2010

If you know anything about me, you know that green is my absolute favorite color.  Often, people will realize this after they see that I consistently wear different shades of green, which match certain shoes and most of my bags.

With St. Patrick's Day in a week, I'm starting to get pretty excited.  I'm not remotely Irish, nor do I take the entire day to stumble through the streets of Boston drunk off my tookus (like the rest of the city does).  But it's fun to see all these folks decked out in their greens, enjoying themselves.

So naturally, I would be painting my toes green this month.

Designed by Kim at Hollywood Nails & Skin, Boston, MA
Color:  SEPHORA by OPI - Leaf Him at the Altar
Occasion:  St. Paddy's
March 2010

I literally squealed out loud when I saw this color on Sephora's webpage.  I even called ahead to the store just to reserve the color just in case it ran out before I could get there.

Clearly, the name of the polish and the timing of its availability signals the upcoming arrival of Spring.  Interestingly, even the design the nail technician chose (a butterfly) is very Spring-themed.  But its name itself is feeling very poignant for me as well.

Last weekend, I attended a Wedding Expo for my night job.  There were moments when I realized that I was trying to see if there's a type of girl that gets married.  Do they wear their hair a certain way?  Are they a specific height?  Are they a specific type of personality?  Maybe they just say to themselves, "I'm going to get married now," and it happens?

Goodness, who knows...I do know that the ladies who where there, looking for the perfect photographer, cakes, or whatever for the MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF THEIR LIVES, are there because it's what's right for them.

I must say though, I would go to another Wedding Expo just for the cake samples.  But, it just felt even more so that that scene is just not for me.  I like the poofy dresses and all, but it just didn't feel practical for me. 

I don't know what it's like for the rest of you, but I CANNOT WAIT for warmer weather!

I've been very fortunate that I've been in Los Angeles for huge portions of the winter, though the reasons themselves have not been very fortunate.  But this past week has just been milder, providing a huge teaser to the upcoming change in seasons.

Okay...so I'm going to gush about my kitty some more.

Every since she's been here, it's literally like a whole new world.  Everything just seems brighter, more pleasant.  I almost cannot talk about how much I love her because I get teary-eyed.  I can't believe she hasn't even been here for 2 weeks, but it feels like she's been part of our lives forever.

She is our Spring.

What do you think of my new pedicure, Yoni?

Yoni approves!

Embracing My Own Pace - "Friend M"

 

"Friend M"

"As I think about the conversations I've had with my parents about marriage and babies, I think the bottom line is that my parents want a grandchild.  It seems like they want a grandchild more than wanting me to get married.

"They've told me that they'll take care of my kids while I work, which is nice, but...I'm so not ready.  I'm sure when I find that special someone, marriage will fall together naturally.  I feel like I need to be financially and emotionally stable to actually "settle down" for marriage and kids.

"It's been two years since I've lived away from home.  I can hardly take care of myself and there are more things that I want to do in my career. And to be quite honest, I enjoy living on my own right now.

"But don't get me wrong, I want to get married eventually and have that dream wedding that people are always dreaming about!  I plan to dance down the aisle with my dad instead of walk down the aisle, and I too have picked out names for future babies! (LOL!) But I'm just not quite ready to settle down yet."

Some Background On M's Parents:

"They were never really the typical conservative Asian parents that all the other Asian kids talk about.  In elementary school, they focused on grades.  But after seeing how bad I did in middle school, they gave up and were like, 'Just let her be! She'll figure something out.'

"So after elementary school, there was no pressure to do well in school, no pressure to become a doctor or a lawyer.  They always encouraged me to do what I wanted and they told me that they'll support me in whatever I do, so in turn, I knew that they trusted me and would support me and to that I'm so grateful."

Random Collection of Conversations:

1 - With Dad.

"Last Father's Day, my dad was telling me about a friend of his who just had his first grandchild.  I jokingly said to him, 'Uh oh, that means, I should start having kids, huh daddy?'  I expected him to say, 'No, no, you keep working and doing what you want.'  But instead, he said (as he laughed), 'Yeah, you should hurry up! Definitely before you're 30!'

Here's how the conversation went:

Dad:  So, how are things going? Are you seeing anyone interesting?

Me:  No, if I were seeing someone, you would definitely know!

Dad:  You're going to be 30 soon...

Me:  (Whoa, wtf?! Wait a minute!) I have 2 more years before I turn 30! Well, techinically 3!

Dad:  No, you ONLY have two more years!"

Me:  Then daddy, PRAY that I find a guy like Akira from EXILE (this popstar that I love)

Dad:  (laughs hysterically) That's never going to happen!

Akira at a movie premiere

2 - With Mom.
"My mom, on the other hand is like, 'Don't listen to to your dad! I had you when I was 32!'   She would always say that I too would be getting married late in life like her.  But she does drop hints that parents love taking care of their grandchildren.

"Once I had a conversation with my mom over the phone about how she would feel if I came back home from Japan pregnant and unmarried.  Would she freak?!

"She answered, 'M, being a single mom is very tough, it would be better if you were married because raising a kid on your own is hard--but if that happens, daddy and I will help you.'

"To be honest, I was kinda surprised to hear that, but I think it comes from her not being conservative (sometimes I think I'm a bit more conservative than my parents!).

"It could also be because my cousin in Japan knocked up his girlfriend, got married, and my mom's older brother LOVES his granddaughter and that's influencing her.  And nowadays in Japan, it's not surprising to see people getting married after they find out they're expecting.  Times are changing.

"Two weeks ago, I was on the phone with my mom and she expressed that she would be shocked to find out if I was going out with someone (What?! I'm so confused!)."

Mom:  To be honest, I think I'd be shocked when the day comes when you tell us that you have a boyfriend.

Me:  Why?! I would think you and Daddy would be happy to hear that I FINALLY have a boyfriend after all this talk about not having a boyfriend for 27 years! (Gasp! I know...)

Mom:  Well...

Me:  Is it because you think I would love him more than you guys?

Mom:  (long pause) Yes, we'd be sad that you've found someone that would mean more to you than your parents, like we've been replaced...

Me:  Oh Mommy! I'm still going to love you the same way! (jokingly) Do you expect me to never get married and grow old with you guys?!

Mom:  Well...yes...(serious tone)

Me:  What?!

Mom:  Well..that would be an option.

Me:  Wha?! I eventually want kids you know!

Mom:  Yeah, I know, you can always dump the guy if things don't work out between you two - daddy and I will help you out. Every parent would love to take care of their grandchild...

Me:  (laughs) I'm going to get knocked up then!

Mom:  (laughs) Be safe!

Me:  Wha?!

"So, that means I have my mom's approval to get knocked up!

"I proceeded to tell her I had a baby daddy in mind.  She retorted, 'Akira from EXILE huh?! I give up! M, listen, you're never going to get married and have kids if you're too busy obsessing over a popstar!'

Akira in EXILE's LOVE album

"My mom might be right - I am too busy obsessing over the popstar I love.  So I'm beginning to think they have a valid reason for being a bit worried!  But that doesn't change the fact that I'm still not ready."

J-Pop Star also means Movie Star.  Akira in "Yamagata Scream"

*********************************

Thank you "Friend M" for contributing your story!

If you'd like to share your story, check out the "embracing my own pace" section on the right-hand sidebar for details!

Let Me Set the Record....

I'm not anti-marriage.

My parents have been married for 28 years, and I believe in love and Happily Ever After.  But I also believe that everything takes some effort and work. Even the Happiest of Ever Afters have some hardships.

Sure, one day, I'd love to have a family and house of my own.  Sure, once in a while, I feel this longing to have kids.  And..okay...fine...I have a couple of names picked out already.  When I was about 5 years old, I answered the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" with "A mother."  So, I do want to have children one day.

But I'm not wanting to rush into anything.  I'm well aware that being unemployed means that it's probably not a good time to do any sort of settling down or having a family.

Let me take another step back.

Once upon a time, I truly believed that I would be married soon after grad school (I would have been 24, the age my parents were married) .  My ex and I were totally planning for it.  We even took our parents to dinner to tell them our plan (that so didn't go well...and my parents felt so bad for my ex that they paid for dinner.....I'm pretty sure his mom hated me....).  But in the end, after almost 9 years together, we broke up.

It was quite an awakening.  A true reality check.  But I also reflected on how I played a part in the whole relationship and its demise.

I knew I hadn't grown up enough.

Now that I'm in another long-term relationship, living with the guy and all, I don't feel that he and I need to rush into any sort of situation.  I still feel that he and I both need to work on some things on our own before we're able to handle the responsibility of each other and a family.  Seriously, if he asked me to marry him right now, I'd have to honestly say (and he knows this), "I love you...but I'm just not there yet..."

Believe me, I've taken ALL of 2009 to think about this.  The year started with a wedding, and ended with one of my childhood best friends having her second child.

This past year was the first time I've had to attend multiple weddings of my friends - 1 in Hawaii, 1 in Los Angeles, and 1 in the North Shore of Massachusetts.  In true social work fashion, I've really had to check myself throughout the year.  "How am I feeling?  Am I jealous?  What is it that's bothering me?"

Now, weddings....well..that's a different blog post.

Jealousy, while I can be guilty of it, was not playing any part in my feelings of 2009.  I believe that all my friends who got married and are planning to get married are all at a point where they can be, and that's the right step for them.

I talked in one of my first posts about how I feel like I'm not physically, emotionally, or mentally ready to "settle down."  Most of what was bothering me was how fast everyone else was "growing up" and maybe even "leaving me behind."  But I just don't want to be an expendable part of their lives as they move on and create new ones.  The whole experience really had me feeling whatever transition period I might be going through.  Yet, I'm still not in any rush.

When I'm ready, I'll know.  It's my own pace.  And I'm quite satisfied with this pace.

***********************************************

Have you been told that you need to "hurry up" and get married or have babies?

What about feeling like you have to follow in your family's footprints?

Are you doing something you love even if it's costing you more than you make?

I want to hear about your experiences and feelings about being pressured to "grow up," following your passions, and whether or not your satisfied with your choices!!!

BE FOREWARNED:

I encourage those of you who are currently unsatisfied to think of concrete steps you'll take to take more control over your choices!

p.s. Self-proclaimed strengths-based social worker here.

Email me your stories, with your name, website, pictures, whatevers!

You'll be featured on this blog!

thegreenestmermaid@gmail.com

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PLEASE EMAIL ME and let me know that you're using my badge so I can properly list you!

Shoulda shoulda shoulda

I guess I couldn't have left Los Angeles without getting at least one comment on either my weight or my lack of husband and children.

For a good part of my 20's, I escaped the husband and children lecture.  Clearly, since I was still in school, I needed to focus on that instead.  The weight issue is another story.

I'm Filipino.  I was taught to finish all my food because of those goddamned kids in China and Africa (even though we also came from a third-world country).  Holidays are tables fool of food (as you can see from my Christmas post) and eating the whole night.  Yes, I played outside instead of watching TV for the most part (in fact, I did not grow up watching Saved By The Bell like so many of my friends).

So, I still got chubby.  It probably didn't help that after swimming class at the YMCA, we would go to McDonald's.  It also probably didn't help that when I was around 5 or 6, I thought I needed to weigh 50 or 60 pounds, and that a 0 would be tacked onto my age as I got older.  Weird, I know.  I learned quickly that that wasn't true.  I don't weigh 270 lbs.

And while the doctors would lecture me about my weight, I was still okay with myself.  Then I started going home to visit for the holidays.  My paternal grandmother, whom I love but scares me a little, starts grabbing at my arms, "You should lose weight!  You'd be pretty if you did!"

Yikes.  I started avoided visiting her because of the comments and the arm grabbing.

My mom was another culprit.  Not a visit would go by without a comment on my weight - at least within the first 24 hours.  She would then follow her comment by saying that it's still healthy that I had fat on my body, and I would be regarded as wealthy in the Philippines.

In the past couple of years, I started getting more serious about my weight.  I joined an expensive gym, do workout DVDs at home, started counting my calories.  I lost maybe 10 lbs.  Then I started focusing more on eating more vegetables and got into riding my bike to and from work.  I lost another 10 lbs.

Still nowhere near where I'd like to be, but I'm only really unhappy with my body around my family and when I get on the scale.

But this past vacation, I almost didn't hear anything about my weight.  Almost.

nom nom nom

It's only been recently, since I've finished school, that I've gotten comments about getting married and having a family.  My maternal grandmother is the one pushing this topic this time.

The general gist is that I need to hurry up and have kids because I'm getting older.  But, now I'm getting it from my aunts and uncles on my maternal side as well.  Just when I think I was going to survive another holiday without getting lectured....well...2 days before I left for Boston, it happened.

 mickeyandminnie.tumblr.com

With that, I now present to you the dialogue between my family and me at around 11:30pm on New Years Eve.

Tito E:  You know, you should have babies now.
Me:  WHAT?? Oh my god...I'm soooo not there right now!  I'm still a baby myself!
Tito E:  Well, the older you get the harder it will be to have kids.  So you should hurry up.
Me:  But what about all my other cousins?  Are you saying the same to them?  They're older than me!
Tito E:  Well, you have a partner.
Tita B:  Yes...you already have a boyfriend.
Me:  I'm so not ready to have a family right now.
Tito E:  Well, as long as you have kids before you're 35.
Nanay (my mom):  Hah?? I'm not ready to be a Lola (grandmother)!
Me:  Thank you!! I'm glad at least we're on the same page here!
Nanay:  Besides....you should lose weight first or else you'll have a hard time....

*SIGH*

Princesses and White Knights In our Midst...In Reality

What happens when princesses and white knights enter the current dating world?  And what if they're in a time and age of flux, like their 20's?

I've talked a lot about Saturn's Return in this blog, as I've been exploring how it's affected my life and the lives of others.  Many of my friends who belong to the same age bracket are going through major life changes - babies, weddings, moving to different cities or parts of the country, and losing or getting a new job.

Even more so, I've had friends who've gone through major shifts in their dating relationships.  Perhaps since we are all maturing, settling, and/or "growing up," things NEED to shift to make way for whatever new collective experiences there will be.

Princesses and White Knights In our Midst...At the Strip Club

This past summer, I happened to be in a Spearmint Rhino club (which is a strip club for all of you who might not know) in the Los Angeles area for a bachelorette party, and the social work part of me got to thinking.

Well, firstly, I needed to really put my morals and ethics in check.

I for one am of the point of view that if you can use the system to benefit you, then more power to you.  If it's the best way for you to make money, because of school, family, whatever, then so be it.  But there is definitely a part of me that recognizes that it is unfortunate that stripping is the best and fastest way for these women to make money, that it could be their only option, and that the system that created it was based on the male need to get off.

Secondly, for some strange reason, I got to thinking about their costumes, and was curious about whether they bought it elsewhere or made it themselves.  I mean, what a craft!  That's some sewing skills that they could really put to good use somewhere.

Alone

My Level of Comfort and Anxiety
I made it a point in my early 20's to be comfortable by myself.

Having been in a long-distance relationship for the majority of the relationship, and then having moved across the country on my own, I figured it would be a good survival tactic.  I find that you can't rely on everyone to go out and do what you want to do all the time.

I'm perfectly okay with watching movies by myself...eating lunch or dinner by myself...riding the T by myself...I definitely prefer shopping by myself, usually because I can do whatever I want and take as much time as I need.

But when I'm going someplace with the purpose of  being social...knowing that I might only know 1 other person....I can't get myself to be comfortable with that yet...

If I didn't know anyone at all, I might hesitate.  But if it's something that really interests me, then I'll go for it.  I'd still like someone to help me feel less alone.

It's hard for me that the boyfriend isn't a social person.  I don't expect him to come out with me all the time....but...maybe I do?  But in the situation where I'll only know the host or hostess, why can't I have a steady companion?  What's the point of relationships without companionship?

Makati vs. Makatí

kati: Word: kati English Definition: 1) lowtide (noun) 2) itchy, scratchy -- MAKATI (adj) Source: http://www.seasite.niu.edu/Tagalog/
Tagalog: kati	English: lowtide, itchy, scratchy

When I was younger, my mom told me that I was always moving around. "If you're not moving, you're talking. If you're not talking, you're moving," she'd say. "Makatí yung paa!" Literally, "Your feet are itchy."

Though I've definitely calmed down from that fidgety version of me, I still have "itchy feet."

Now, I know that probably sounds gross...like I've got some strange fungus growing on my feet...but I promise you that I don't have any fungi on my toesies.

New Month...Old Goals...Saturn Returns.

Entering my late mid-twenties (disguised as my early late-twenties), my friend Joya clued me into "Saturn's Return." According to this astrological theory, this is the time when lots of changes occur - goals are attained, milestones are reached. Though it's not supposed to be about painful upheaval, I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't some of that thrown into the mix for the fun of it all.

Since April 23rd of 2009, I must say there have been a lot of things going on in this 27 year old's life. From the more personal part, I've had to make some decisions about how far I'm willing to stretch myself for other people. But, that's not necessarily something I'm ready to get into in the blogosphere (god, what a word I never thought I'd use...).


My day job has been under a lot of strain, being a non-profit in a "crumbling economy." Boston Public Schools don't necessarily have the funds to support a tiny organization, no matter the fact that we're in it for the best interest of the students. Nonetheless, we're still here...we're still fighting hard for his organization. After being scared of a multitude of things (losing this job because of finances, and just generally being a wuss), I decided it was high time that I take on a supervisory role. I had a chance to help in what little ways I could with the clinical social work interns, but I would LOVE a macro social work intern. So, I emailed the Field Education Department at Boston University, and requested that they think of me when placing their students. Let me tell you...it felt great to be acknowledged not only as a previous student but as someone who is ready and able to do the work. I hope that I get a *good* macro intern next year.

So, with all the changes during the daytime, I'm finding that there are many changes in other aspects of my life. Growing into my own, I decided to go ahead with this blog. It's probably going to be a random assortment of things I find fascinating, little projects I'm working on, and updates on what's going on in this mermaid's life.

I hope it's fun for some of you :)