Saturday, November 13, 2010

A Part or In The Middle

So, I don't claim to be an expert on anything other than what I know about myself.  But even then, sometimes I have no idea.

I know the 20's is really a time to be learning more about who you are, making friends from all different parts of the world, and exploring different places.  It's about a lot of change and, hopefully, a lot of growth.  Now, this isn't to say that the rest of your life doesn't include any of those experiences.  But it sometimes feels like the 20's are more saturated with that, seeing that many of my friends who are older are a little more set in their ways.

More recently, however, I've felt more like isolating myself.

Home Is?
With the holidays upon me, I can't pretend that I don't get homesick.  But now the question is, what is home to me?

A good friend of mine recently moved back to the U.S, and he is a much wilder person than I could ever be.  His point of view of the whole thing is that "home" isn't a location, it's the people, so you can be at home anywhere.

This really made me think quite a bit.  I know that I feel at home here in Boston, but I also feel at home in Los Angeles.  The difference right now is that I also feel like a visitor in Los Angeles.  While L.A. is where my family and friends are, Boston is a place where I am also building a life.

Now, if "home" is the people, then it can also be fluid and it can also come to where you are.

Then, why is the impetus always on me to go back to Los Angeles?  Don't get me wrong.  I love L.A.  I love California.  I want to move back there eventually.  But for now, Boston is my home.

I guess money is part of the issue.  It costs more for people to visit me here because of plane tickets and possible hotels.  If I flew to California, I would most likely not have to pay for a hotel.

But there's just something about that that doesn't seem fair.  I like visitors just as much as the next person.
You can find me among the clouds,
drifting between spaces.
Where is the Heart?
In the past year, most of my travels home have been to spend time with family.  Though I wanted to see my friends as well, my family would take precedence. 

In my mind and memories, I've always considered myself extremely close to my family.  The fact that my parents have trusted me to stay in Boston means that they really love me and want me to experience a wide variety of things.  I love my siblings, and I have always encouraged them to explore the world and not get stuck in L.A.  I love my extended family, and though we are so varied and spread out throughout the world, I feel like they are part of what keeps me grounded.

However, I was always somewhat separated.

When I was younger, I was also the oldest of the Los Angeles cousins, older by 5 years.  When I was away at college, they were all still in middle and high school.  Now that I'm in Boston, they're all going through their late teens and early 20's.

On the other end, I'm also the youngest of the group when I consider my older cousins.  Many of them were getting married and having kids when I was in high school and college.

I do have a couple of cousins that are my age, but I didn't grow up with them he way I did with my younger family members.

But more recently, I've just felt so distant.

I don't feel like I'm part of the family.  I don't feel like I'm included in anything.  I feel like I'm last to hear about a lot of things.  Honestly, I feel like I'm being punished for having moved so far away on my own.

This holiday season will be the first time that I'm not going back to L.A. to be with family.  Because the boyfriend hasn't been able to see his family at all for more than a year, and I've been to L.A. 3 times this year, I wanted us to be able to spend time with his family as well.  Plus, with the kitties still young, we don't want to leave them alone for too long.

Now that my maternal grandmother passed earlier this year, I feel like there isn't necessarily a need to have family parties in our house anymore.  So, I know my parents and brother are going to San Francisco to be with my sister for Thanksgiving.  It's awesome that they all get to be together, and I'm sad to miss the experience.

But in the next year, it'd be nice if I got a visit.  From anyone.  Maybe because they're also homesick for me.

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