Thursday, October 8, 2009


My Level of Comfort and Anxiety
I made it a point in my early 20's to be comfortable by myself.

Having been in a long-distance relationship for the majority of the relationship, and then having moved across the country on my own, I figured it would be a good survival tactic.  I find that you can't rely on everyone to go out and do what you want to do all the time.

I'm perfectly okay with watching movies by myself...eating lunch or dinner by myself...riding the T by myself...I definitely prefer shopping by myself, usually because I can do whatever I want and take as much time as I need.

But when I'm going someplace with the purpose of  being social...knowing that I might only know 1 other person....I can't get myself to be comfortable with that yet...

If I didn't know anyone at all, I might hesitate.  But if it's something that really interests me, then I'll go for it.  I'd still like someone to help me feel less alone.

It's hard for me that the boyfriend isn't a social person.  I don't expect him to come out with me all the time....but...maybe I do?  But in the situation where I'll only know the host or hostess, why can't I have a steady companion?  What's the point of relationships without companionship?

Social situations are generally quite easy for me.  However, though you'd never guess it, I'm actually quite shy.  If I don't know how the people interact with each other, I'd rather watch them first to get a feel for them.  Then, if I understand how they communicate, I might be more willing to chat with people.

It's almost like being in school.  Where can I sit in the cafeteria for lunch?  Who should I avoid?  If I sit by myself, would I be seen as a loser or a bitch?

I wonder about whether my location makes a difference.  No one every wants to go out in the freezing cold.  The Fall and Winter feels like the time I see people less often.  It's depression.

Maybe I just have more steady companions in Los Angeles...maybe it's the weather...

Los Angeles at Sunset

How It Really Is
I never really "went out" in LA.  Expensive, snobby clubs are not really my style.  Dancing...well yes, that is my style.  But not dancing to meet people or get my ass rubbed up on.  Interestingly, I'd rather dance around on my own than with a partner.  Even if I go out with friends, I don't often dance closely with them, but mainly in our little dance circle of trust.

So, if I preferred to dance on my own anyway, then why aren't I okay with going out on my own?

Ya...I thought about that....but anxiety is anxiety no matter how irrational.

I actually went out the other night.  As I stood in line, I remembered the main reason why I don't go out very often is this waiting in line business.  Such a waste.  I'd rather dance around in my living room.  I get to choose the music, I don't have to wait in line, and I don't have to pay for anything.  And when I'm tired, I just walk to my bed.

But when I connected with my friend, and realized that some of the other folks around were also from LA...well, immediately everything was better, anxiety was lifted.

In the end, I remembered that I'm capable of having a good time almost anywhere.  The boyfriend reminds me of that all the time, but I can't ever bring myself to believe it until I'm already enjoying myself.

Boston at Dusk

Maybe.  I still need to work on not psyching myself out. Now that I'm living with my current boyfriend, I feel like there's a whole different level of dependency that I'm experiencing.  We rely on each other quite a bit. For my own sanity, I want to be able to support myself without him.  I want to be able to open my own jars.  I want to be able to stay out and up as late as I want without having to worry about leaving the other person home.  But...just once in a while...maybe we could stay out and up late together?

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