Embracing My Own Pace - "Friend M"

 

"Friend M"

"As I think about the conversations I've had with my parents about marriage and babies, I think the bottom line is that my parents want a grandchild.  It seems like they want a grandchild more than wanting me to get married.

"They've told me that they'll take care of my kids while I work, which is nice, but...I'm so not ready.  I'm sure when I find that special someone, marriage will fall together naturally.  I feel like I need to be financially and emotionally stable to actually "settle down" for marriage and kids.

"It's been two years since I've lived away from home.  I can hardly take care of myself and there are more things that I want to do in my career. And to be quite honest, I enjoy living on my own right now.

"But don't get me wrong, I want to get married eventually and have that dream wedding that people are always dreaming about!  I plan to dance down the aisle with my dad instead of walk down the aisle, and I too have picked out names for future babies! (LOL!) But I'm just not quite ready to settle down yet."

Some Background On M's Parents:

"They were never really the typical conservative Asian parents that all the other Asian kids talk about.  In elementary school, they focused on grades.  But after seeing how bad I did in middle school, they gave up and were like, 'Just let her be! She'll figure something out.'

"So after elementary school, there was no pressure to do well in school, no pressure to become a doctor or a lawyer.  They always encouraged me to do what I wanted and they told me that they'll support me in whatever I do, so in turn, I knew that they trusted me and would support me and to that I'm so grateful."

Random Collection of Conversations:

1 - With Dad.

"Last Father's Day, my dad was telling me about a friend of his who just had his first grandchild.  I jokingly said to him, 'Uh oh, that means, I should start having kids, huh daddy?'  I expected him to say, 'No, no, you keep working and doing what you want.'  But instead, he said (as he laughed), 'Yeah, you should hurry up! Definitely before you're 30!'

Here's how the conversation went:

Dad:  So, how are things going? Are you seeing anyone interesting?

Me:  No, if I were seeing someone, you would definitely know!

Dad:  You're going to be 30 soon...

Me:  (Whoa, wtf?! Wait a minute!) I have 2 more years before I turn 30! Well, techinically 3!

Dad:  No, you ONLY have two more years!"

Me:  Then daddy, PRAY that I find a guy like Akira from EXILE (this popstar that I love)

Dad:  (laughs hysterically) That's never going to happen!

Akira at a movie premiere

2 - With Mom.
"My mom, on the other hand is like, 'Don't listen to to your dad! I had you when I was 32!'   She would always say that I too would be getting married late in life like her.  But she does drop hints that parents love taking care of their grandchildren.

"Once I had a conversation with my mom over the phone about how she would feel if I came back home from Japan pregnant and unmarried.  Would she freak?!

"She answered, 'M, being a single mom is very tough, it would be better if you were married because raising a kid on your own is hard--but if that happens, daddy and I will help you.'

"To be honest, I was kinda surprised to hear that, but I think it comes from her not being conservative (sometimes I think I'm a bit more conservative than my parents!).

"It could also be because my cousin in Japan knocked up his girlfriend, got married, and my mom's older brother LOVES his granddaughter and that's influencing her.  And nowadays in Japan, it's not surprising to see people getting married after they find out they're expecting.  Times are changing.

"Two weeks ago, I was on the phone with my mom and she expressed that she would be shocked to find out if I was going out with someone (What?! I'm so confused!)."

Mom:  To be honest, I think I'd be shocked when the day comes when you tell us that you have a boyfriend.

Me:  Why?! I would think you and Daddy would be happy to hear that I FINALLY have a boyfriend after all this talk about not having a boyfriend for 27 years! (Gasp! I know...)

Mom:  Well...

Me:  Is it because you think I would love him more than you guys?

Mom:  (long pause) Yes, we'd be sad that you've found someone that would mean more to you than your parents, like we've been replaced...

Me:  Oh Mommy! I'm still going to love you the same way! (jokingly) Do you expect me to never get married and grow old with you guys?!

Mom:  Well...yes...(serious tone)

Me:  What?!

Mom:  Well..that would be an option.

Me:  Wha?! I eventually want kids you know!

Mom:  Yeah, I know, you can always dump the guy if things don't work out between you two - daddy and I will help you out. Every parent would love to take care of their grandchild...

Me:  (laughs) I'm going to get knocked up then!

Mom:  (laughs) Be safe!

Me:  Wha?!

"So, that means I have my mom's approval to get knocked up!

"I proceeded to tell her I had a baby daddy in mind.  She retorted, 'Akira from EXILE huh?! I give up! M, listen, you're never going to get married and have kids if you're too busy obsessing over a popstar!'

Akira in EXILE's LOVE album

"My mom might be right - I am too busy obsessing over the popstar I love.  So I'm beginning to think they have a valid reason for being a bit worried!  But that doesn't change the fact that I'm still not ready."

J-Pop Star also means Movie Star.  Akira in "Yamagata Scream"

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Thank you "Friend M" for contributing your story!

If you'd like to share your story, check out the "embracing my own pace" section on the right-hand sidebar for details!