Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Mermaid Collages: Past Thoughts and Future Hopes

The past couple of weeks have really involved a lot of introspection.  Much of which is currently sitting as drafts.

But, I'm feeling a need to re-evaluate a lot of my choices and decisions.  I've been looking back, thinking about all the things I've learned and all the lessons I still need to learn.

In the next year, I feel that there will be a lot of death in my life.  While the idea of my own death scares me a bit, I do believe that death is nothing more than change, much like the Tarot card interpretation.

Right now, I'm struggling with the death of my former self and all the memories that came with it.  I feel this need to honor the past so as not to forget the lessons, and I dislike the idea of regretting anything.  But perhaps my honoring of my past (and I'm really meaning my late teens and earlier part of my 20's) has led me to hold on to it more than I should.

Here's another Mermaid Collage from 2002 (I will retype the words on the page so you don't have to open another window and fight with my horrendous handwriting), and a 2-pager at that!
  So tired from all the wear and tear of everyday life...just needing one full night of sleep without waking to tasks that need to be done...
What is being sparkley?  Especially when so much has worn you down and sullied you...Is it someone else's glance?  The music they hear whenever they're near you?  Or is it what you make and believe in yourself?  Is it all your tears your laughter your dreams all rolled up into one?  Is it all the hard work that no one will ever recognize?  Or the ones that have affected that one person?

When lying in bed...laying in bed...what thoughts run through your body - ending at your brain...your mind...Devious thoughts...April Fools pranks at unsuspecting victims of your cruelty...What will I dream of tonight?  Being a mermaid...on her way to her prince...not so he can save her, mind you...cuz his car has broken down...What will I do tomorrow?  No...don't'll just keep yourself awake with that kind of talk...stretch...breathe...Don't worry about those so-called friends...too worried about who's gonna supply their addiction...don't mind them...this is only have a man who loves you so much - he already talks about your have best friends that care for you so deeply - they count the days til your homecoming...Don't fret about all that sadness that wells up inside's only homesickness...because you know how many hours-drive it is to see the love of your see the happy smiles of yoru friends...Don't're not chemically imbalanced...depressed...bipolarl...ADD...dyslexic...suicidal thoughts...sometimes hearing voices...screaming!  Screaming the answers!  But I have none...not until my last breath will I have the answers...For now, I'll just sleep off this feeling...and wait to see what tomorrow will bring...

Time to wake up.

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