I finally got word via letter that I was not chosen for the Program Manager position. I am devastated to say the least. I really wanted that job and I know I could have been a super star at it. I've really put a lot of other things on hold for that job, and maybe that wasn't the right thing to do.
I thought about what I might have done wrong. I thought about what I could have done better. Honest to goodness, I tried my best to stay positive about it and to not let it really get to me. But it did. I wept like I had lost something that was really only briefly mine.
So, now I feel like I'm back at square one. Time to start over. The Wheel of Fortune stopped there for a brief time and said, "Hmm..no, I don't think so." Just when I thought that maybe Saturn had loosened his grip, he just tightens the hold.
And now I'm back at trying to find the positive at a moment when I feel like nothing is.
It's times like these that Facebook really shows it's power. As I had publicly declared how much I wanted the position (foolishly thinking that that little bit would help me get the job...okay, I take that back...positive thinking is just really difficult right now...), I felt that I had to publicly share that I did not get the position.
The comments from my friends showed their support. Though I always feel bad that they are sad for me, I really felt that their comments were little hugs helping to strengthen me. Their comments helped me feel the sadness, but reminded me that it just means there's something better.
Then, my mom shared a sequence of videos from Disney's "The Rescuers."
The first one made me ball up in my chair and just wish for simpler times when everything felt in order. But it also felt the most comforting. I could almost fell my mom's hand on my head, in an attempt to shelter me from all the hurt.
As I wiped the tears from my eyes, I watched the second video. Though watching it only caused more tears, it reminded me that part of who I am is to find that silver lining.
I will have my good days and my bad days, but each day is only a tiny step into a lifetime. Take from it what you can and learn and apply it to making things better. The absence of a full-time position is an opportunity to build my side job into a real part-time job and maybe more, a chance to really take part in self care, and time to really develop my ideas for my nonprofit.
I won't stop looking for a full-time position and I won't stop building my side job into something that could still supplement my income.
So, what am I thankful for this Thanksgiving?
I am thankful for the boyfriend (who's forehead kisses always make me feel better).
I am thankful for the kitties (who keep me on my toes, wake me in the morning, and allow me to love them).
I am thankful for my friends (near and far, who remind me every day even if we don't speak that day about where I've come from and where I'm going).
I am thankful for our tiny, filled-with-crap, 1-fuse-box, stompy-neighbors apartment (complete with comfy bed and "princess" chair).
I am thankful for my feet (which have helped me express myself through dance, taken me to distant lands, and sometimes remind me to take care of myself).
I am thankful for my voice (which reflects my moods, energy levels, and love of cheesy music).
I am thankful for my family (which continues to grow and evolve, reminding me that I will one day be responsible for my own).
Lastly, I am eternally thankful to my two loving parents, who unceasingly support my crazy decision to stay in Boston (not without questions about when I am moving back to L.A.), whose spirits I carry proudly with me every day, and whose love continues to support me and build me up via YouTube.