Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, especially because it really starts the holiday season. So, a while back, I was trying to plan out my Halloween costume. Lo and behold, I was able to wear two very different costumes this weekend!
Friday night, I was a mermaid. I had been really feeling my love for mermaids a little bit stronger lately, so I was excited to use one night as an excuse to dress up.
Tons of glitter, tons of pearls, tons of scales...
This costume was a lot of work because of the makeup. Different shades of glitter were were used for my eyes and face, I packed on the blush, and I had to make sure there was enough color on my lips.
Glitter from Sassy Sparkles, Too: sassysparklestoo.tripod.com
Saturday night was my night to pair up with the boyfriend. Truth be told, it was a lot of fun to be absolutely silly with him and act like tourists. It was also fun to explain that our pieces were at least authentic, with our Hawaiian shirts actually from Hawaii and our Mickey ears actually from Disneyland.
Happy Tourist!
This costume was definitely a lot less work! I still packed on the makeup, making my cheeks look extremely tan and rosy, and I also put more tint on my lips. Otherwise, we just wore our Hawaiian shirts, jeans (because it was really a bit chilly), and socks under our sandals.
Capturing our reflection on the T
Now, while getting all gussied up in a costume isn't exactly a simple act or a simple thing, there is just some pleasure in dressing up as someone completely different. What's so wonderful about Halloween is being free to take on a persona that is such a stretch from who you are. It's an opportunity to really learn more about who you actually are on non-Halloween days.
And since I've spent most of the weekend being someone different, for Halloween day I'm being myself.
I've had this dream before, but this time around there were so many differences almost acknowledging that time has past.
The dream was basically about a massive activity weekend, featuring several physical tests and rally races. In my original dream, my team was the winner. We had to climb up a massive structure, climb back down, go back up through a different way and slide down a massive ice luge. Then we had to do a series of physical tests, like jumping jacks and push ups. Finally, we had to run up a mountain and race to the finish.
In this dream, it was clear that time had passed and our team had gained some notoriety. We had somehow built a team of 26 members, with each "persona" in a costume that started with a different letter of the alphabet.
For some reason, we kept being late to the contests. We would get lost, or we weren't able to find the person who was supposed to compete at the moment. At one point, there was a frightening incident in the women's restroom with overflowing toilets.
I had a team meeting with my group, and I made it clear to them that the fact that we had grown in such numbers already made us quite a popular team. I stressed that there was no stress on us to win, but others in the team didn't seem to agree.
I woke up before the official first game.
****************
Now, what was this dream about? How did I feel and where could I apply it to my real life?
Well, I felt very proud of my accomplishments and of the fact that people recognized us. But I conflicted with focusing on having a good time and trying to win again. It's as though my goals were conflicted.
I'd have to say that I have definitely felt that way about the paths that I'm choosing. While I am excited and hopeful about find a full time job, I'm also aware that I have my own dreams and goals that I would like to accomplish. I know that whatever position I end up at, I will use it to grow from and take the lessons I've learned to work towards my own goal. But should I just go for my own goal now?
Part of it, and part of what I felt in my dream, was fear of losing. It's almost as though I was so uncertain about winning the competition that I tried to focus on having a good time instead. But, if I have people who are willing to back me up and really go for the gold, then I should just give it my all as well...right?
I know that it makes me nervous to go for my nonprofit, because I'm scared of failing and I'm scared of how that might affect others in my team. I'm still working on my business plan, and it definitely needs some tweaking. I'm hoping to keep having inspirational dreams about it.
So, in this day and age of Disney Princesses and Feminism, we all have an idea of what Hans Christian Andersen's and Disney's "The Little Mermaid" are all about. But let me recap for you who might not be as familiar as I am.
After hearing about her older sisters' adventures exploring outside of the ocean, a young Sea Princess is extremely curious about the world on land but has to wait until she is 15 for her chance. During her exploration, she sees a ship crashing and saves a man who fell into the ocean knowing that men cannot breath underwater. She falls completely in love with him.
Lo and behold, he is a Prince. In desperation, she goes to the famed and feared Sea Witch to see if she could do anything for the Little Mermaid. The Sea Witch makes a bargain: The Little Mermaid has to give her voice to the Sea Witch in exchange for human legs.
In the Andersen version, she would feel like she's constantly walking on the sharpest knives, and there was no deadline for the Little Mermaid to have the Prince marry her. However, the Sea Witch is merely helping the Little Mermaid because she was asked to help. She actually stays with the Prince for a very long time. However, the Prince
still believes that another princess was the one who saved him from the
sea. In the Disney version, she has 3 days to get the Prince to kiss her, and the Sea Witch is mainly out for revenge and power.
In the Andersen story, she sacrifices her life to keep him alive, but ends up as sea foam. The Prince did love her, but not romantically. The Prince lives a happy life with his other princess, and the Little Mermaid becomes a Spirit of the Air and eventually gains a soul, which mermaids do not have. Clearly, the Walt Disney Studios couldn't have a title character die, so she gets her Prince, and her father blesses their union with a rainbow in the sky.
Ariel's name, in fact, is an ode to Andersen's ending, representing the Spirits of the Air.
DisneyParks.com ad, photography by Annie Liebowitz
Romantic Point of View
Perhaps for some, Disney's Little Mermaid might be a symbol that dreams do come true, and that a Prince will then do everything in his power to protect you if you are willing to do anything for him as well. After all, love should lead to an equal partnership.
In the Andersen version, the Little Mermaid truly sacrifices everything. But because of her love, the Prince was able to live a long and happy life. After all, love should mean that you are able to let your partner live their most fulfilling life.
Now, while I believe that we all deserve our happily ever after, there are some that seek that out and actively try to reach that fairytale goal no matter what. Some believe they have to give up a lot, while others believe they'll only have to give up a little bit. Either way, there is always something you will have to give up, even if it means that your partner doesn't have to.
Painting by Howard Pyle
Feminist Point of View
The general feminist point of view of the Little Mermaid is that she is a horrible role model for little girls. She teaches girls that men will like you if you do not speak or speak only when you are spoken to. She teaches that you should do whatever it takes to make someone fall in love with you, even if it means altering your body. It also teaches girls that men and romantic love are more important than your family.
Here's a funny video about this point of view.
However, there is another feminist point of view that reflects upon this character: Ariel and the Little Mermaid are both strong female characters and role models.
Not only does she stand up to the patriarchal and perhaps racist system that her father uses to "keep her down" or oppress her, but she also seeks help from another female source. In Andersen's version, there is very little about the sea king, and the majority of adult characters are all female. The Sea Witch is more about the dark and mysterious side of femininity, and she wields her own power in that way.
Would the story have been different if she just tried to get
his attention without the Sea Witch's help? Ariel's original idea was
to ask her friends to help her get his attention. Getting legs, though
it was something she was curious about, wasn't necessarily her first
choice. It really wasn't until
In the Disney version, Ursula makes bargains with various merfolk who usually want selfish things they could actually attain themselves ("This one's longing to be thinner, that one wants to get the girl, and do I help them? Yes I do."). While Ursula is still the villain because of her harsh punishments, she also insinuates that she changed after being removed from the palace, though she doesn't specify whether she was a better creature back then or not.
In the Andersen version, she realizes that sacrificing her most precious asset prevented the Prince from really seeing who she was, but she also learns that causing more pain by killing him would not solve a thing. She took responsibility for her actions and her choices. Perhaps love doesn't have to mean sacrificing after all.
In the Disney version, Ariel actually stands up for herself after realizing that she had been tricked. In fact, she doesn't let the fact that she was human and voiceless stop her from trying to do something about it. Perhaps the only unfortunate part of the ending was that she couldn't stay a mermaid, though if Prince Eric loved her enough he would marry her regardless.
Historian Point of View
In the introduction of Hans Christian Andersen Fairy Tales written by Jackie Wullschlager, she basically breaks down his life story and mentions when he wrote certain stories. There was some speculation that Andersen was actually bisexual, and often conflicted with his conflicting sides. Considering that Andersen and the 1800's had strong religious values, it makes sense that Andersen would question the validity of his soul and reflect that in his stories.
Being that mermaids are of two opposing natures, it is quite possible that "The Little Mermaid" was written about him wanting to be with someone but not being able to. I am sure that his version of mermaids without a soul was a reflection on how he felt separated from God because of his feelings. The idea that the Little Mermaid would only gain a soul by being loved by a human and by sacrificing her happiness surely reflects on his decisions.
From Amazon.com
My Point of View
When I was young and had just arrived from the Philippines, it seemed that mermaids were quite popular in film. "Splash" had been released under Disney's live-action branch, and (SPOILER ALERT) ended with the human male joining the mermaid in her world. Shelly Duvall's "Fairy Tale Theater" also had their version of "The Little Mermaid," which was more true to Andersen's original story. And of course, there was Disney's "The Little Mermaid," which basically solidified my love for mermaids.
The story and the mythology spoke to my own experiences, focusing mainly on really wanting to be part of a world in which I didn't belong and willing to do anything to fit in. At the age of 5, after being bullied, I had already made the conscious decision to stop speaking Tagalog so that I would lose my Filipino accent. I had given up my voice, and it isn't until after doing so did I realize that I had given up an important part of who I am.
To me, Ariel was a scientist and an explorer, collecting artifacts from a world she is curious about, much like my own collection of seashell jewelry and my interest in Middle Eastern culture through belly dance. The Little Mermaid's strength in continuing to walk regardless of the sharp stabbing pain not only shows her resolve in getting what she wants, but also reflects on the pain involved in changing in general.
I personally never agreed with the idea that giving up her tail would make someone fall in love with her. In fact, it's clear that the Prince in Andersen's version loved her but felt unable to communicate, whereas Eric loved Ariel knowing full well that she was a mermaid.
While Andersen's version mentioned that the mermaid would gain a soul with the love of a human, it was her grandmother who assumed that the Prince would not love her because of her tail - yet, what if she did try to interact with the Prince as a mermaid? What if King Triton actually waited for Eric to wake up so that he could see Ariel as she truly was? If he loved her, it wouldn't matter. I do believe that if she were left to her own devices, "The Little Mermaid" would look a lot more like "Splash."
Splash Movie Poster
I remember being excited that Disney was going to release a sequel to their version of the story. Though I did find it silly that they basically told the same story using her human daughter wanting to be a mermaid, I was more excited to watch Eric and Ariel interact with each other. Even though their interaction was not as highlighted as Ariel's relationship with her daughter, it was clear to me that there was love. Selfishly, it felt validating.
In the end, the lessons I learned from both versions of "The Little Mermaid" will probably stick with me for the rest of my life. Your voice is your best asset, and giving it up makes you lose your power. It's okay to explore other worlds and other cultures, but never lose sight of where you came from. Trust your gut and seek help from friends rather than strangers.
I will always and forever love "The Little Mermaid" in any form that it's told. And no one can convince me otherwise.
On Friday, I decided it was high time that I do some serious cleaning of the bathroom. I made sure to keep the door closed so that the kitties didn't get too curious about the activity and so they wouldn't have too many interactions with any strong smells.
My timing couldn't have been any more perfect. It has been a serious week of working out, and I had decided to give hot yoga a try. Come Saturday (my pilates day), I was extremely sore.
I have been told by various sources about the wonders of Epsom salt baths, but I had never actually tried it. I don't usually have Epsom salt, plus the tub was not really clean enough for me to feel comfortable soaking in it.
This Saturday, however, I had my first ever Epsom salt bath. The fun part was having curious kitties perched in the bathroom, wide-eyed and wondering what in the world I could be doing. The amazing part was how less sore I was within a couple of minutes of sitting in the hot water!
I don't take baths very often. But when I was a child, we only took baths.
Perhaps it was a more water-conservative method, but it was definitely because we didn't really have showers in the Philippines. Even when we moved to Los Angeles and through most of my high school years when we had moved into our very first house, we mainly used the bathtub. Though, when I think about it, there was always a drought in L.A., so we also needed to conserve water.
Now, you might be thinking, how is filling a bathtub full of gallons of water conserving water? Well, our bathing was not exactly what I would call bathing as an adult.
Our method of taking a bath/getting clean involved sitting on a stool in the tub, filling a bucket of water, and using a tabo (dipper) to pour the water over us.
Nowadays, I feel like that method is so much more work than just standing under the shower. And yet, sitting in the tub full of water is really quite a pleasing experience.
I for one am very glad that my family and I have upgraded our standard of living, and that it's reflected in the privilege of a warm bath.
So, I folded. I decided, you know what, I've had 2 job interviews this week, and I've been really good about not spending extra amounts of money outside of paying back my bills. I deserve a freakin' pedicure.
I decided to go to Dana's Nail Salon in Brighton, a place I'm familiar with and like because of their nail design skills.
Today, unfortunately, must have been kind of an off day or something.
It's always funny to me that when I walk into the place, they all start speaking Vietnamese to each other, possibly about how I always get green or blue or other funky colors and about how I always get a design. I know this not because I actually understand Vietnamese, but because they say "green" and "design" in English. Today, they said "design."
The massage function of the chair I was sitting in wasn't turned on, and I was too lazy to ask for it to be turned on.
The nail technician was a man, which isn't so uncommon in Dana's, but the whole thing felt a bit rushed, though I was the only person in the shop for most of it. I almost wonder if you could turn it into a sexual analogy, but I'll stop myself before I get there.
Basically, the only great thing is that the nail color is absolutely beautiful! Thank you to my friend, Samantha, for the bottle!
Designed by Andy, Dana's Nail Salon, Brighton, MA Color: Sephora by OPI: Mermaid to Order Occasion: Long overdue self-care session October 2010
So, I have absolutely no idea what the guy was going for when he designed my nails. Absolutely no idea. Maybe he was going for a leaf sort of motif? Maybe he was feeling a bit abstract? Maybe he was using the blank slate of my nails to let out some of his frustration?
What do you all think it's supposed to be?
I mean, I would have been happy with polka dots or wavy lines or whatever. But, nonetheless, the colors are really pretty together.
It felt great to be able to give myself some leeway and decide that I was going to celebrate 2 days of job interviews by getting myself a pedicure. And not just any job interviews, but really well done job interviews.
I know that I was energetic, friendly, and absolutely qualified for the 2 jobs I applied to. I'm definitely still thinking about taking advantage of both of them just to help make my bank account feel less empty and to help pay off bills.
For the front desk job at the gym, I'm really hoping I can use my Saturday and Sunday mornings to work that job. For the Program Manager position at the Center for Adult Education, I know that my weekdays will once again feel full and profitable.
At this point, I'm just crossing my fingers and my newly painted toes.
Let me break my finances down for you all. I'm really going to put this out there and really talk about this issue quite honestly.
Let me start by saying that I'm extremely lucky. EXTREMELY LUCKY.
Because of my parents helping out with as much as they have been helping, I've yet to go hungry and no debt collectors are knocking on my door. Because I'm on a family plan, I am able to have my awesome Droid with me at all times. Because they love me and trust me, I haven't broken down and moved back to Los Angeles.
I'm really of the mind that I need to be able to make it on my own before I can consider myself an independent adult. Now, being Filipino, it's part of our culture to share some of the finances. If I were more wealthy, I would be able to help my brother and sister through difficult times as well. Fortunately, my brother was the smarter one between us three, and is making more than I can even imagine at this point. Regardless, as the eldest, I know that I also want to help financially support my family.
Now, of my own money that comes my way, I have my side job, which I love. I really should have been trying to turn that business into a full-time business since October 2009, when I first signed up for unemployment. Alas, hindsight is 20/20. So, while it does provide some income, I'm still trying to make it so that I am really earning more than $500 a month from it. That means, more parties, more exposure, more selling. I know I'm up to this challenge, mainly because I get so much satisfaction from this job.
Every Sunday, I log in to the Massachusetts Division of Unemployment website and let them know that I was able to work, that I looked for work, and that I had or had not earned any pay from smaller jobs. Then on Tuesday, $355 gets deposited into my account. It's not bad, but it's not enough.
On Tuesday morning, when I take a look at my bank balance, I take a minute to breathe. Then I get to work on paying bills (Comcast, Old Navy, Victoria's Secret, Best Buy, and Capital One) or paying the boyfriend back whatever amount I owe him (most of the household utilities are under his name because this was his apartment before it became our apartment). Then this happens:
Within the hour, my balance is somewhere between $50-$150, if that. I spend the rest of the week (haHA! No pun intended...) having minor freak outs about possibly getting an overdraft fee or if some horrible emergency happens or if I should just stay away from any social events because of the money I would spend.
As of this 2nd week of October, I'm dying to get a pedicure (approximately $40). I want to keep going to yoga and pilates ($15 per class, but I've already paid $70 for 5 sessions). I want to be done paying for my half of rent for this month ($200 out of $550 left).
The boyfriend thinks that I spend way too much money on things I don't need. I'm sure that's true. I don't need to eat out with friends. I don't need to buy coffee or pastries. I don't need to buy more belly dance related items. I don't need to buy new jeans just because my best pair have a whole in the crotchal area. I don't need to go to Mexico in 2011 (though I'm still definitely working on that!).
I wish there were things I could barter with people. I would gladly spend the day cleaning at the nail salon if I could just get a free pedicure. I could teach a very-very-very-introductory belly dance lesson for a yoga or pilates class.
I mean, I guess there's no harm in asking. No harm at all. I might actually see if I can do some bartering.
As of now, I have 2 job interviews this week. One as a full-time Program Manager at the Boston Center for Adult Education and another as a part-time Front Desk Staff at the Commonwealth Sports Club (a gym I'd love to have a membership at because of their salt-water pool). As of now, I would consider working both if they both offer me a position, depending on the hours obviously. I would also keep working my side job, because I feel like I want to keep moving in that direction.
But, I just don't want to feel like my hard earned money is continuously flitting out of my reach.
I will be the first to admit that I thoroughly dislike hearing other people's conversations on the T. I enjoy people watching and all, but for some reason when people have conversations on the T it's usually about things I don't necessarily think is appropriate for public conversation in a small enclosed space.
Believe me, I know this because I am definitely one of those people. I will also be the first to admit that I've definitely had loud conversations about ridiculous things in places where I probably should not be having those conversations.
I was reminded of this fact this evening.
I was out with friends having dinner after a show, and we were talking and laughing and having a merry time. Perhaps our laughter was a bit too loud, and perhaps we didn't care. At one point, I looked around and realized that there were a couple of people giving us looks like we were being horrible restaurant patrons because we were having a good time.
Sad to say that this has happened to me and my group of friends far too many times. I'm pretty sure that people applauded once when my L.A. friends and I were leaving an IHOP.
So, while on some level, I'd like to say that by putting my headphones on while riding the T, I'm allowing people to have wacky conversations without me needing to give them strange looks. I mean, it's fine that people have whatever conversations they want to have where ever they want to have it, within reason obviously. Freedom of speech is a grand thing.
But if I have a choice to participate as a listener or not, then I'll use the freedom of choice and opt to listen to my music instead.
Really though, I think it puts me in the situation of being able to really appreciate the freedom of having real and loud conversations. Truly, what a grand way to end the weekend - being with friends, having a good meal, glass of wine, and laughing out loud from our conversation.
With 2 young kittens in our apartment, it's been quite a learning process to say the least.
Our apartment is definitely not kitty proof. We have tall bookshelves with things on top of it, spaces behind bookshelves and other furniture that they are able to get to including getting behind the fridge (due to the old nature of our kitchen), and our floors and walls are not insulated enough.
Though Yoni is spayed and Mencken was neutered recently, they're still very energetic kitties and mainly in the middle of the night.
The other day, our neighbor below us finally came knocking on our door, complaining about all the noise at 2 in the morning. We felt horrible that she was being disturbed, so we brought her a bottle of wine the next day as a way to apologize.
But, in truth, it's totally my fault. I've been hoping that if we get the kitties used to being in the bedroom with us, they won't be so curious about the place. They get a bit too excited and proceed to start chasing each other around the apartment. The galloping around the house is pretty crazy for us, so I could only imagine what that's like for our neighbor below us.
I'm also too much of a softy.
Recently, in the mornings, whenever it's about 8 or 9 am, Mencken will come to our bedroom door and meow and trill and mew and bark. That's right. Mencken totally makes bark-like sounds. It's like he's like, "Hey, humans! It's been daylight for like 3 hours already! Get your asses up!"
It's definitely very different from when Yoni will wake me up by insisting on snuggles.
Morning Snuggles with Yoni
Last night, Mencken just would not stop being a hyper kitty in the middle of the night. When we put him outside of the bedroom, but Yoni was still inside, he mewed and mewed and mewed. At one point, I couldn't take it, and opened the door to let him in. He purred on my stomach, then slowly moved down to the foot of the bed. Next thing you know, he was up on the window sill, interested in the noises the rain and wind were making. Then he tried to start playing with Yoni. We wanted him to be calm. So, I put him outside again.
I feel like I tried to give him several chances, but he kept acting up. I honestly don't know how many hours of sleep I got.
Finally, we woke up to a crashing sound. Mencken had started to climb up our wall-hanging shoe rack and several of the hooks and shoes came crashing down.
*sigh*
I'm sure that there's no way that I can compare last night and the past couple of weeks to being a parent of human children. But being a parents of kitties has felt really comparable.
Now, I'm not necessarily an expert on moral behavior. But there are just some things that just seem plain inappropriate.
May 2010 On the T (B-Green Line) Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize we were on the freakin' Love Train! Seriously, the couple got on at the stop after the older woman and her friend/daughter/companion. Before I took this picture, they were totally making out quite heavily! I'm all for love, or whatever you want to call it. But that PDA in such a tight space...I don't care who you are, but if you're riding the T, it's not your personal make out spot. And to this guy, don't be an ass and just let your girl have the seat.
September 2010 Dance Studio in Lakeville, MA O. M. G. Really? You also want to make sure that the boys know that you're a dancer...so bend over occasionally, buy some clear plastic heels, and get this t-shirt! Like, now! Boys definitely like dancers...so slut it up, girls!
When I was a child, some of my fondest memories are from driving with my parents. In particular, I loved listening to the radio with my parents.
On Saturday mornings, after swim class at the YMCA in Hollywood, we would often head to McDonald's or order pizza. But it's the moments of getting to the next place that were the most wonderful.
On the radio on Saturdays, one of the stations would play Big Band music and Jazz. It just felt so relaxing and like everything was as it should be as we drove through the city back to our home.
Because of my parents, I was exposed to such a wide variety of music. From Big Band to The Beatles.
Today, on weekends, I often crave those simple moments with my parents again. Being on the other side of the country, I've had to create my own moments. So, on weekend mornings, the boyfriend and I will often turn to one of the Music Choice channels that's labeled "Singers and Swing."
I just love the feeling that everything is alright, and for some reason that classic kind of music helps to put me at ease.
Being that October 9th was John Lennon's 70th Birthday, I figure it would be appropriate to share a Beatles song written and sung by John in the Big Band style. Happy Birthday, John!
The most interesting thing about being poor and on unemployment is what types of meals are made.
Breakfast has been the most difficult meal for me to deal with/adjust to. In the past 2 weeks, we've not had milk and we've been trying not to use up all the soy milk. We haven't had coffee, but we're finally able to use all the varieties of tea that we have. Luckily, I've had some evaporated milk and condensed milk that I've used in making desserts, so we've been using that as substitute milk in our tea.
In the past several weeks, I've renewed my love for peanut butter by having apple slices with peanut butter for breakfast. It's really quite a healthy breakfast when you think about it. But it was difficult to know that part of the reason we had to eat them was because we really had nothing else.
The upside is that we're finally able to slowly work on emptying our fridge. When we make trips to Trader Joe's and Costco, our "pantry" and our fridge get too full, and we start losing track of all our food items.
Though I can't say we've been starving, it's been an interesting part of the unemployment experience.
This week, we finally went to Trader Joe's and Costco. Never has coffee tasted so good.
Earlier this weekend, "Back to the Future" was on tv. Feeling nostalgic, I decided it was perhaps the best thing on television at that moment. That's when the boyfriend told me that he had never seen the second in the trilogy.
Well, being that I owned the box set, we ended up watching "Back to the Future II" on Sunday night. And this morning, the boyfriend wants to watch "Back to the Future III," "to see how it ends."
But there was a nerd-moment that I hadn't realized I was part of until the boyfriend looked at me with a little shock and puzzlement. That moment was when I proceeded to sing along to the movie theme, phrase by phrase.
I'd like to chalk it up to the fact that John Williams is a brilliant composer. But let's be honest here. I'm a huge nerd...and I'm so okay with that.
