13 Til 30 - Intense Personal Stories

There are days that are tough.  Some days are tough because I'm so busy, running from one thing to the next, hopefully (but not usually) on time.  Some days are tough because I can't seem to cut a break, everything is falling out of my hands or no one is being particularly kind.

Then there are days that are emotionally and mentally exhausting, which then leads the body to feel physically drained.  Tuesday was one of those days.

I have been working with Partners in Sex Education to teach some sessions at a fancy suburban high school.  One this particular day, I was assigned to introduce guest speakers to some classrooms.  There were about 7 different classes in all, and 3 speakers assigned to a couple of them.

These guest speakers were all HIV+, and spoke to each of the classes about their experiences.  These speakers are powerhouses, in my opinion.  To be able to share to openly and honestly about their lives, and the hardships that they've had to face in order to get to where they are now.

But I realized after I left the final session that I was exhausted.  I though back, maybe I didn't get enough sleep?  After thinking about it a bit, and heading off to the after school, I realized that I was exhausted because of hearing all the personal stories.  Most of the stories, I had heard several times that day.

I just felt that all my energy was drained from me.  I felt sad, my head felt a weird pressure.  I was definitely nervous that my cold would get aggravated.  But once I identified what was wrong, it felt so much better.

I couldn't even imagine if I had chosen to be a clinical social worker instead of a macro social worker.  I would be emotionally drained every day, I think.

I give props to all my friends and colleagues who have chosen that path.  It is not an easy job, but I know a lot of great people who do it.

Nature In My Living Room: Kittehs Catch Their First Mouse

I'm about to recall the gruesome death of this poor mouse and then some.  Read at your own risk.

Consider yourself warned.

***************************

At 1 in the morning, I hear Yoni growling and making a noise I had never heard before.  I looked into the hallway to see Mencken in our bedroom doorway and Yoni with her dilated glowing eyes.  It looked like she was heaving.

Out of concern, I thought that perhaps she had vomited or something.  As I proceeded to turn all the lights on, she runs into the living room.  I don't see any vomit anywhere, so I figured she is probably about to puke.

Then I realized she had something in her mouth.  At first, it looked like a leaf.  But then I realized that she had a MOUSE!!!

I immediately work up the boyfriend.  He wanted to make sure that we give a lot of praise to the kitties for catching it.  But Yoni wasn't done with it yet.  In fact, it was still quite alive, if moving slower.

She would growl when Mencken would get close to her, and yet she would drop it and push it about.

This went on for the rest of the night.

At one point, the mouse got away.  I thought I saw it scurry under our front door, but Mencken knew better.  After a bit of digging in our shoe area, he recovered the injured mouse and brought it straight to Yoni.  He, having always been an indoor cat, had never done anything like this and wasn't sure what to do with it.

At another point, they make their way into the bedroom.  It was almost 3 in the morning at this point, and I had to wake up in an hour and a half to get ready for bootcamp.  But I couldn't NOT pay attention to Yoni's growls.  She ended up under the bed at some point.  I was NOT going to be okay with a mouse carcass under our bed!

Here's why:
About 2 years ago, before our kitties were even in this world, we had quite a problem with mice.  They were attacking anything they could, regardless of being sealed in a plastic bag.  I could hear them in our walls, and scurrying about in the middle of the night.  It was horrifying. 

We started putting out traps and putting everything in our fridge.  We cleaned and we even put out some traps with poison in them.

One random Summer day, I noticed these HUGE flies flying around our living room window.  They were HUGE, I tell you.  Huge and slow.  Thus, they were relatively easy to kill.  However, they just kept showing up.  At first, I would see them flying over to the opposite wall, but they were mainly in the window.

I closed our windows and asked our Super to come look.  He couldn't figure it out either, and he hadn't gotten any other complaints from other tenants.

I noticed that the flies had these weird white lines on their thorax.  Naturally, I Googled it.  What I discovered was horrifying.  They were called "flesh flies."  Go ahead, go to the Wikipedia page and learn about them.  I'll wait....

Gross, right??!?!?

Since they were mainly in our window, I figured something must have died right outside it though we couldn't smell anything.

We must have killed over 20 of them.  Yes, I was counting.  It just made it more disgusting.

About a month later, I was cleaning around a pile of clothes and pillows that we were planning to dispose of.  As I lifted a pillow, I spotted a dead mouse!!! It must have been crushed underneath the clothes and pillows.

Suddenly, the stench of dead mouse and the memory of the flesh flies came flooding back.  It was horrifying, and the smell was not going away.

At that point, the boyfriend was picked up by a friend to take him to a birthday lunch.  And I was left with the smell.  I ended up leaving the house with the windows open (though I remember it was a torrential-rainy day), and went to the movie theater.

So, you can see why I was not about to let the cats just leave a dead mouse somewhere for us to find it later.

And I sure as hell wasn't going to take a live mouse and dispose of it myself!  I had already done that a couple of years before the dead mouse/flesh fly episode, when I was living with 2 roommates.

The mouse was stuck on a glue trap, and the most humane way I could think of disposing of it was to kill it quickly.  So, we took it on the glue trap outside in a plastic bag and grabbed a shovel.  My two roommates couldn't do it.  And since I insisted on the quick death, I had to do it.  It took a lot of thinking and yelling, and I'm sure the neighbors were about to call 911 on us.

I was so traumatized by that that I had to talk about it with my work supervisor.  And you better believe that I was re-traumatized by the flesh flies and shared that with my work supervisor as well.

But let me get back to today.
Eventually, the growling stopped and we heard Yoni munching on her cat food.  We assumed that Mencken ate it.

I went to bootcamp and returned to a knocked out boyfriend and kittehs.

But as I was getting ready for a phone interview and the boyfriend was getting ready to leave for school, I spotted the mouse again!  It was barely moving, so I pointed Yoni in its direction.

She took it under or kitchen counter table, and when she reemerged the mouse's body looked truly lifeless.  That's when Yoni started playing with it.  She would toss it in the air and push it about on the floor.

Mencken gets a hold of the mouse

Eventually, Mencken got a hold of it, probably thinking about how fun it looked.  But when he tossed it in the air, it would really catch air.  I was shrieking in my corner behind a blanket, scared that it would get launched in my direction.

But I had to do something.  I couldn't be shrieking during my phone interview!  After asking friends on Facebook, I came up with a plan.

We have way too many tongs, so I grabbed the crappiest one with a stray sock that ended up in our laundry (but wasn't either of ours) and a plastic bag.  After throwing away the bag complete with sock and mouse in our basement, I Wet-Swiffered the hell out of our floors.

I'll be honest.  I think pet mice and pet rats are cute.  They're a lot cleaner, though they still pee and poo everywhere.  But when it's a strange creature invading your home, it becomes a different story.

There was something both frightening and intriguing about the kittehs doing what nature intended them to do.  I couldn't take my eyes away for fear that I would lose track of the mouse, and yet I can't even eat without getting a bit nauseous.

There's a part of me that wants to bathe the kittehs clean, but I know that they do that on their own.  So, I'll just keep washing my own hands throughout the day.  I also made sure to praise them and give them some treats for their good-job-done.  Perhaps we'll feed them some tuna tonight.

If only David Attenborough was narrating, though I don't think that even his calming voice will prevent me from being traumatized from this for a while.

A Final Look Back via Facebook

10 Lessons I've learned in 2010, and will probably continue to learn:
1. Sometimes, things are really difficult.  But there's a lesson to learn from all the difficulties.
2. I am generally a cheerful person, but when I am depressed I need to be able to ask for help.
3. Setting goals is not just about visualizing.  It is mainly about action.
4. I'm pretty good with kids...but I love my teens.
5. Home is the people, not the places.
6. Love comes in all forms.  Sometimes it's in the form of 2 fuzzball kittens, even though you've been considered a "dog person."
7. Connections matter a lot when it comes to getting a job.
8. To appreciate where you're going, you have to appreciate where you've been.
9. If you have found a great travel partner, you are extremely lucky.
10. Hugging is extremely important.

Thanks for the opportunities, 2010.  You were extremely memorable.  But I'm glad to see you go.

"Eng eng eng...pot pot pot..."

"...Chaporado malapot." 
(malapot: thick)

That was the little rhyme my grandmother used to sing about this delicious weekend treat.  Once in a while, we would be lucky enough to have some for breakfast in the morning.

Champorado, not to be confused with though very similar to the Mexican champurrado, is basically a chocolate rice porridge.  I would personally like to argue that it's better than oatmeal - I mean, chocolate for breakfast???  Heck ya!

Though I didn't eat this all the time, it definitely explains why I'm not remotely close to my "normal" weight.  But, this dish is a staple in Filipino households.

There were some mornings that my siblings and I would specifically request this for breakfast.  Did I mention that my Lola lived with us?

Day 2 in the world!

I've lived with my Lola for most of my life.  I'm #26 out of 34 grandchildren.  My mother was her 9th child out of 12.

For a couple of years, I believe (relatives, feel free to correct me!), my Lola and Lolo joined three of their daughters living in Chicago, but soon moved back to the Philippines.  In 1990, after my Lolo's death in 1989, my Lola moved to Los Angeles into our tiny house.

House on N. Berendo St. (it used to just be a white house, but my aunt schnazzed it up!)

She specifically asked to live with my mother and our family, though she was asked to move to Los Angeles to help care for one of my younger cousins.  I've always wondered why she chose to live with us all these times.  Though, and maybe I'm biased here, in the end, my mom (with my dad at her side) was perhaps one of the ones who were better equipped to handle all the logistics of her death.

Regardless, my Lola managed to pass along a healthy appetite to all of us, in the Philippines, in Chicago, in Florida, in Los Angeles, and in other international locales.

Now, traditionally, champorado could be accompanied with a salty treat.  My sister favors salami, microwaved just a little bit.  Hardcore Filipinos favors tuyo (salty dried fish).  I personally am a happy camper with a nice warm bowl all on its own.

Salami?  Tuyo?  Or just Champorado on its own?

Champorado

Ingredients:
1 cup sweet rice or brown rice
water, about 5 cups, more or less
¾ cup bittersweet or semisweet chocolate chips, or half the amount of each

milk or soy milk
sugar (optional)

Directions:
Cook rice in 2 cups water. Stir once in a while so the rice does not stick at the bottom of the pan. When rice starts to absorb the water and the consistency becomes too thick add more water, slowly, ½ cup at a time. Repeat adding water for desired consistency. When the rice starts to pop, add chocolate chips and mix until chocolate melts.

Serve warm with milk or soy milk to desired amount. Add sugar if desired.

Nutrition Facts
Serving Size: 1/8 medium pot

Amount per Serving
Calories 204 (not counting milk or soy milk)
Calories from Fat 83.9

Re-Posting: "Sinigang, sinigang, I love sinigang."

Ash Wednesday happened to also be the day my Lola was buried along with my Lolo (grandfather) in the Philippines.  The family and I are still somewhat in mourning, unfortunately, but we're getting better at it.

I had posted in the beginning of the month that I would use this blog to share recipes of the foods my Lola used to stuff our faces with.  Clearly, it's taken me a while..but honestly, I think it's because I struggled with the finality of it all.

Here we are, near the end of the month, and I'm finally ready to post a recipe (which doesn't mean that I haven't done a hell of a lot of eating!).  But, I'm cheating, as this is a re-post.

Without further ado, here is my family's recipe for Sinigang:

Catharsis

Who knew that letting go would feel so good?

I am SO not a super dramatic type of person.  I might talk big, but really that's it.  I'm all talk, really.

But this time around, I knew I couldn't keep going without taking some action, and getting with my girls and casting my past hurt into a pyre.

The entire Saturn's Return experience has really been rough for me.  It's been a lot of things that just keep piling up - personal stuff, family's health, stuff with the boyfriend - more and more seems to keep happening.

There's been a lot on my plate.  But luckily, my East Coast/Social Work Ladies were here to fill my plate with love and support.

Mmmmm...taco action and mint chocolate chip cookies....

While we weren't a complete set due to scheduling and life, the 6 of us who were there were all given the floor to fully share all that we've been carrying - such a social work move!

All around the table, we talked about what's been happening.  Issues with other friends; wedding planning; relationships with co-workers, boyfriends, husbands, and family members; old loves and new prospects; health issues; and what it's really like to put yourself and your needs first.

We talked, we laughed, we teared up (okay...I cried...I'm a crier...).  But we also discussed, offered advice, and listened.

You'd think we were part of a clinical support group!  But seriously, it felt like how a women's community should feel.  None of the competitiveness, none of the jealousy, all of the support.

After all the stories, close to midnight it turns out, we were all getting sleepy.  But before we closed our night, we started a fire, and I burned some no longer needed items.

A Contract for 1 Heart and 1 Soul

I was telling the girls about how I don't ever see myself acting this way.  It was very "Waiting to Exhale," when Angela Bassett gathered all her husbands items, chucks them into his car and sets it on fire.  It was very maarte.

Waaaay too excited!

Maarte, in Tagalog, means being very dramatic, high maintenance, and making a big show of something.  I'm so not maarte.  But I was with that fire pit.

Rising flames

Before we went out into the cold winter night, we quickly looked through my pictures and I shared my memories with them.  I feel no remorse for burning the pictures.  I didn't burn them all, as many of my pictures are still in Los Angeles, but I don't plan to burn them all either.  But I don't feel that the ones I had in my possession are of any more use to me, here in Boston or in the future.

I'll always have the memories, and I'm hopefully using whatever lessons I learned from that time in my life.

There was no mourning...

Though we didn't want to force it, we did feel like something needed to be said while the images burned, almost like a toast.

We all felt, though, that while the event was spawned by needing to release past hurt, we were also helping to create new hope.  As the violent flames slowly burned out into ash and steam, we reflected on all the hope and possibility that awaited us all.

Probably due to the photo chemicals, this last bit wouldn't go out.

We each threw in a bit of snow to help with the end.

As we all acknowledged that many of us were in the midst of Saturn's Return or major transition, we knew that this night really helped to set the course for the rest of the year.  Though I'm sure we'll be seeing each other again soon in other social situations, I'm looking forward to another night of being maarte.

Dropping Things That Are No Longer Useful

As noted on my Top 5 Goals for 2010, here's my #5:

5. Learn to let go and move away from things that might be holding me back.

I'm realizing this is definitely going to be one of those multiple-year projects.   But I'm trying to get a jump on it.

In the next couple of days, I plan on slowly dropping things that are no longer of any use to me.  This will include the following:

1.  Old paraphernalia of/from my ex (who I learned is engaged to his preferred type of Asian..I mean, Congratulations and all....but still...)

Photographs, Postcards, Leaves, and A Contract for 1 Heart

2.  My last journal (much more private than this blog, but filled with too much of the sadness) regardless of how many pages are empty.  I'm only really closing it out, but I'm not one to throw away my journals.

3. Weight.  I know, I know...this is such a standard New Years thing.  I hate being so cliche.  But it's also about the weight that I feel during the winter.  I can't handle all the darkness that comes with the winter - especially in New England.  So, if I focus on my Word of the Year, I think I can not only better handle the darkness, but also lose some pounds.  I've already started yoga and my pilates class starts soon.  So, I'm getting there.

From My Goddess Guidebook Adventures

I'm sure the list will continue to grow throughout the year.

Tomorrow, I'm getting with my girls and hopefully burning up all the things in the first picture.  I'm super excited about that!  I've never in my life thought I would take such a dramatic action.  But, I know it will feel so cathartic.

And it's just what I need right now.