Thankful that Tomorrow is Another Day

There's nothing like getting devastating news to make you really sit down and think about what you're thankful for.

I finally got word via letter that I was not chosen for the Program Manager position.  I am devastated to say the least.  I really wanted that job and I know I could have been a super star at it.  I've really put a lot of other things on hold for that job, and maybe that wasn't the right thing to do.

I thought about what I might have done wrong.  I thought about what I could have done better.  Honest to goodness, I tried my best to stay positive about it and to not let it really get to me.  But it did.  I wept like I had lost something that was really only briefly mine.

So, now I feel like I'm back at square one.  Time to start over.  The Wheel of Fortune stopped there for a brief time and said, "Hmm..no, I don't think so."  Just when I thought that maybe Saturn had loosened his grip, he just tightens the hold.

And now I'm back at trying to find the positive at a moment when I feel like nothing is.

It's times like these that Facebook really shows it's power.  As I had publicly declared how much I wanted the position (foolishly thinking that that little bit would help me get the job...okay, I take that back...positive thinking is just really difficult right now...), I felt that I had to publicly share that I did not get the position.

The comments from my friends showed their support.  Though I always feel bad that they are sad for me, I really felt that their comments were little hugs helping to strengthen me.  Their comments helped me feel the sadness, but reminded me that it just means there's something better.

Then, my mom shared a sequence of videos from Disney's "The Rescuers." 

The first one made me ball up in my chair and just wish for simpler times when everything felt in order.  But it also felt the most comforting.  I could almost fell my mom's hand on my head, in an attempt to shelter me from all the hurt.


As I wiped the tears from my eyes, I watched the second video.  Though watching it only caused more tears, it reminded me that part of who I am is to find that silver lining.

I will have my good days and my bad days, but each day is only a tiny step into a lifetime.  Take from it what you can and learn and apply it to making things better.  The absence of a full-time position is an opportunity to build my side job into a real part-time job and maybe more, a chance to really take part in self care, and time to really develop my ideas for my nonprofit.

I won't stop looking for a full-time position and I won't stop building my side job into something that could still supplement my income.

So, what am I thankful for this Thanksgiving?

I am thankful for the boyfriend (who's forehead kisses always make me feel better).
I am thankful for the kitties (who keep me on my toes, wake me in the morning, and allow me to love them).
I am thankful for my friends (near and far, who remind me every day even if we don't speak that day about where I've come from and where I'm going).
I am thankful for our tiny, filled-with-crap, 1-fuse-box, stompy-neighbors apartment (complete with comfy bed and "princess" chair).
I am thankful for my feet (which have helped me express myself through dance, taken me to distant lands, and sometimes remind me to take care of myself).
I am thankful for my voice (which reflects my moods, energy levels, and love of cheesy music).
I am thankful for my family (which continues to grow and evolve, reminding me that I will one day be responsible for my own).

Lastly, I am eternally thankful to my two loving parents, who unceasingly support my crazy decision to stay in Boston (not without questions about when I am moving back to L.A.), whose spirits I carry proudly with me every day, and whose love continues to support me and build me up via YouTube.

Mercury in Retrograde Stings

In the past month, I've managed to engage in ridiculous conversations with ridiculous people.  All on Facebook.  I'm going to admit that I feel like I walked right into these ridiculous conversations, basically forgetting that the interwebs is full if idiots.

Working with Children
On August 24th, a cousin of mine posted a comment about how young girls getting pregnant makes him shake his head (or "smh" as he said).  So, several of his friends chimed in saying that those girls are stupid, they need to keep their legs closed, they're little hoes.

One girl then states that she was a teen mom, but her baby daddy is helping to take care of them and that she's in college now.  She confessed that sex was enjoyable for her, but that she is dealing with the consequences.  

My cousin's friends then proceeded to completely misunderstand what she said.  They didn't understand why she considered herself a teen mom but she was also in college.  They said that she was basically telling them that everyone should go out and have sex because it feels good.

Being who I am, I couldn't help but respond to some of the ridiculousness.  I congratulated the girl for doing what she needed to do to keep her head up, and spoke generally about how it is too bad that there are a lot of girls who are left with very little choices, but that people need to do something about it instead of pointing fingers.

This was the conversation, shortened, but cut and pasted:

Girl 1:  @ cecilia no body not placeing blame on no one her story juss sounded crazy she said the sex is great aand that u shouldn't wait til marriage lmaoo basically sayin everyone juss go fuck b4 marriage its cool lmaoo buhh thass why she got a baby in the first place ?

Me:  @[Girl 1], she said that saving it for marriage was old school FOR HER. Plus, I don't know why you're getting so defensive. No one needs to get defensive here.

Personally, I can barely understand anything you all are saying.

Let's be honest ...here, the rate of sexual behavior is up, though technically teen pregnancies are down. Pregnancy isn't the only thing you need to worry about - there's tons of STI's that'll come your way to. The point is, teen pregnancy is a sad fact, but is perhaps due to mainly to lack of education. But it doesn't mean that it has to be a sad situation for all teen moms. We all agree about that, yes?

Girl 2:  wtf wutss up witt all thaa bigg ass paragraphs..i dontt thinkk anybody givess a fuck about what you gotta sayy..welcome 2wwo reality..obviously she dont shee dontt knoo how 2wwo keep hurr leggs closed...buhh you kno what erry body gonna have sex buhh fuck at least use a fucken rubber....nd wtf did yall read what i read....cuhz brend sayin sex is great and do it b4 marrige...so..

Me:  That's cute, Kye. Hi, by the way. It's nice to meet all of you. I'm M's cousin. :)

Girl 2:  Cecilia shut tha fuck up....trynna sound educated...bitch you kno damm rite you proly a hoe 2wwo trynna stand up for another hoee that got knocked up lmfaoooo wow very funny

Girl 2: and nice 2wwo meet you 2wwo ♥ @cecilia

Girl 1:  lmaoo Girl 2 we are retarded , i'mmm laughin so hard 2wwo this post i wasn't exspecting people to take it the wrong way lol i juss thought it was funny AF .

Me:  Girl 2 and Girl 1, I apologize if I can't understand what you're typing..or texting..or whatever...or is it watevah? I don't know..hahahaha

Before we get all attacky, like I said, I'm Miguel's cousin. I'm 28, a social worker (that's with a Masters). I currently live in Boston, but Miguel grew up with my siblings and I together in L.A. Personally, I don't think it's fair to attack anyone on the basis of limited information. Funny or whatever.

Either way, I hope Miguel brings you guys to our house next time we have a family party! He needs to introduce us to more of his friends...got that, M??

Girl 1:  lmao they really not gettin this smhh :/ , haha anywho's :P

Girl 2: @cecilia i dont wanna meet you in person ur a social worker you might take us away!! you might try 2wwo do some voodoo shit so nice 2wwo meet you thoee SIKE YOU CRAZII BITCH! nd @thailor bitch please no body asked you 2wwo comment on what we said in tha first place ...bitch gett on wit yo self witt that dumb shitt pshh... trynnna sound educated ....bitchh hahaha... YOU proly a hoee 2wwo haha !! how bout you take yo own advice and stick it up your founky ass

 My Cousin: Girl 2 dnt talk 2 my cuzzin cecilia like dat

Did you get any of that? Sigh

Seriously, it was really hard to understand any of what these girls were saying. It took me a while to really be able to respond because I wasn't sure what the hell they were talking about!

I realize that they probably didn't understand a thing I was saying either.  I then checked out what I could of their profiles, and I realized that I was having a conversation about teen pregnancy with girls who are basically still teens themselves.

I take full responsibility for engaging with them and for thinking that talking to them like adults would make them more mature.  Empowerment doesn't work via Facebook, I learned.

When People Think They're Smarter Than You
Then, the other day, another character posted something about how her "racist anti-immigrant Vietnamese neighbor" was having a BBQ, so she blasted banda music as she is Mexican.

The comments quickly disintegrated into racial slurs about Asians.  I mean, really?

So, here's what happened this time:

Dude:  fish eyeball eatin' muthafuckas'!!! next thing you know the fucking muslims will be talkin shit! this country is fucked!

 Me:  ya this country is fucked if we keep pulling out more stereotypes! I can guarantee that you can find people of all ethnicities who are anti-immigrant...ignorance is color blind.

Dude:   im familiar with world economics and my opinions arent based on "color."
try travelling a bit, and see what happens when the world's population keeps rising but the resources keep dwindling. of course, its always the consumerists first in line to point the finger.

Wait, I'm sorry.  I didn't realize that "fish eyeball eatin' muthafucka's" and "stinky breath, nose poking, murph taking out chinos cochinos" was more a comment about economics.

Sigh.

I didn't engage on the status anymore, but I did send that dude a private message basically saying that he had no idea of who I am in this world, and calling him out on his statement.  In the end, he tried to "friend" me, but I really didn't want to bite.

The boyfriend shook his head at me, basically saying if I had learned my lesson and not engaged with strangers on Facebook.  I don't know if I have learned my lesson, honestly.  I don't think it's right that I have to hold my tongue just because there are stupid people commenting as well.

I can only hope that part of anything I say gets heard by someone who disagrees with me, though I'm sure those girls and that dude have already moved on and called someone else a "CRAZII BITCH" or tell them to "try travelling a bit."

For a second, I felt completely turned off my Facebook and the internet.  Why is it that these misunderstandings keep happening?  True, we're in the midst of Mercury in Retrograde.  But perhaps it's best to stay away from engaging with strangers?

Luckily, I know amazing people who in turn support me and my comments.  They left me with this thought, and I will leave it now with you.

‎"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” ~ Dr Seuss

Catharsis

Who knew that letting go would feel so good?

I am SO not a super dramatic type of person.  I might talk big, but really that's it.  I'm all talk, really.

But this time around, I knew I couldn't keep going without taking some action, and getting with my girls and casting my past hurt into a pyre.

The entire Saturn's Return experience has really been rough for me.  It's been a lot of things that just keep piling up - personal stuff, family's health, stuff with the boyfriend - more and more seems to keep happening.

There's been a lot on my plate.  But luckily, my East Coast/Social Work Ladies were here to fill my plate with love and support.

Mmmmm...taco action and mint chocolate chip cookies....

While we weren't a complete set due to scheduling and life, the 6 of us who were there were all given the floor to fully share all that we've been carrying - such a social work move!

All around the table, we talked about what's been happening.  Issues with other friends; wedding planning; relationships with co-workers, boyfriends, husbands, and family members; old loves and new prospects; health issues; and what it's really like to put yourself and your needs first.

We talked, we laughed, we teared up (okay...I cried...I'm a crier...).  But we also discussed, offered advice, and listened.

You'd think we were part of a clinical support group!  But seriously, it felt like how a women's community should feel.  None of the competitiveness, none of the jealousy, all of the support.

After all the stories, close to midnight it turns out, we were all getting sleepy.  But before we closed our night, we started a fire, and I burned some no longer needed items.

A Contract for 1 Heart and 1 Soul

I was telling the girls about how I don't ever see myself acting this way.  It was very "Waiting to Exhale," when Angela Bassett gathered all her husbands items, chucks them into his car and sets it on fire.  It was very maarte.

Waaaay too excited!

Maarte, in Tagalog, means being very dramatic, high maintenance, and making a big show of something.  I'm so not maarte.  But I was with that fire pit.

Rising flames

Before we went out into the cold winter night, we quickly looked through my pictures and I shared my memories with them.  I feel no remorse for burning the pictures.  I didn't burn them all, as many of my pictures are still in Los Angeles, but I don't plan to burn them all either.  But I don't feel that the ones I had in my possession are of any more use to me, here in Boston or in the future.

I'll always have the memories, and I'm hopefully using whatever lessons I learned from that time in my life.

There was no mourning...

Though we didn't want to force it, we did feel like something needed to be said while the images burned, almost like a toast.

We all felt, though, that while the event was spawned by needing to release past hurt, we were also helping to create new hope.  As the violent flames slowly burned out into ash and steam, we reflected on all the hope and possibility that awaited us all.

Probably due to the photo chemicals, this last bit wouldn't go out.

We each threw in a bit of snow to help with the end.

As we all acknowledged that many of us were in the midst of Saturn's Return or major transition, we knew that this night really helped to set the course for the rest of the year.  Though I'm sure we'll be seeing each other again soon in other social situations, I'm looking forward to another night of being maarte.

Let Me Set the Record....

I'm not anti-marriage.

My parents have been married for 28 years, and I believe in love and Happily Ever After.  But I also believe that everything takes some effort and work. Even the Happiest of Ever Afters have some hardships.

Sure, one day, I'd love to have a family and house of my own.  Sure, once in a while, I feel this longing to have kids.  And..okay...fine...I have a couple of names picked out already.  When I was about 5 years old, I answered the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" with "A mother."  So, I do want to have children one day.

But I'm not wanting to rush into anything.  I'm well aware that being unemployed means that it's probably not a good time to do any sort of settling down or having a family.

Let me take another step back.

Once upon a time, I truly believed that I would be married soon after grad school (I would have been 24, the age my parents were married) .  My ex and I were totally planning for it.  We even took our parents to dinner to tell them our plan (that so didn't go well...and my parents felt so bad for my ex that they paid for dinner.....I'm pretty sure his mom hated me....).  But in the end, after almost 9 years together, we broke up.

It was quite an awakening.  A true reality check.  But I also reflected on how I played a part in the whole relationship and its demise.

I knew I hadn't grown up enough.

Now that I'm in another long-term relationship, living with the guy and all, I don't feel that he and I need to rush into any sort of situation.  I still feel that he and I both need to work on some things on our own before we're able to handle the responsibility of each other and a family.  Seriously, if he asked me to marry him right now, I'd have to honestly say (and he knows this), "I love you...but I'm just not there yet..."

Believe me, I've taken ALL of 2009 to think about this.  The year started with a wedding, and ended with one of my childhood best friends having her second child.

This past year was the first time I've had to attend multiple weddings of my friends - 1 in Hawaii, 1 in Los Angeles, and 1 in the North Shore of Massachusetts.  In true social work fashion, I've really had to check myself throughout the year.  "How am I feeling?  Am I jealous?  What is it that's bothering me?"

Now, weddings....well..that's a different blog post.

Jealousy, while I can be guilty of it, was not playing any part in my feelings of 2009.  I believe that all my friends who got married and are planning to get married are all at a point where they can be, and that's the right step for them.

I talked in one of my first posts about how I feel like I'm not physically, emotionally, or mentally ready to "settle down."  Most of what was bothering me was how fast everyone else was "growing up" and maybe even "leaving me behind."  But I just don't want to be an expendable part of their lives as they move on and create new ones.  The whole experience really had me feeling whatever transition period I might be going through.  Yet, I'm still not in any rush.

When I'm ready, I'll know.  It's my own pace.  And I'm quite satisfied with this pace.

***********************************************

Have you been told that you need to "hurry up" and get married or have babies?

What about feeling like you have to follow in your family's footprints?

Are you doing something you love even if it's costing you more than you make?

I want to hear about your experiences and feelings about being pressured to "grow up," following your passions, and whether or not your satisfied with your choices!!!

BE FOREWARNED:

I encourage those of you who are currently unsatisfied to think of concrete steps you'll take to take more control over your choices!

p.s. Self-proclaimed strengths-based social worker here.

Email me your stories, with your name, website, pictures, whatevers!

You'll be featured on this blog!

thegreenestmermaid@gmail.com

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Unemployment Files: Not the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

As if things weren't any more difficult, another thing gets piled on to the list of things that just aren't going well.  I'm starting to wonder if maybe it's because I'm the bad luck that's walking around.  I don't want to be all negative about this, so I'm going to get that part out of the way.  I promise to end on a more positive note.

Let's review the facts, shall we?

Princesses and White Knights In our Midst...In Reality

What happens when princesses and white knights enter the current dating world?  And what if they're in a time and age of flux, like their 20's?

I've talked a lot about Saturn's Return in this blog, as I've been exploring how it's affected my life and the lives of others.  Many of my friends who belong to the same age bracket are going through major life changes - babies, weddings, moving to different cities or parts of the country, and losing or getting a new job.

Even more so, I've had friends who've gone through major shifts in their dating relationships.  Perhaps since we are all maturing, settling, and/or "growing up," things NEED to shift to make way for whatever new collective experiences there will be.

Mercury in Retrograde + Saturn's Return = ?@&*

I'm definitely interested in astrology.  Though I don't think it's the letter of the law - just like most systems of belief - I think it can be equally entertaining and insightful.

Aries-Taurus Cusp - that's my lower back and me!

When I started this blog, I talked about Saturn's Return, which I'm definitely swimming in right now.  But every so often, Mercury goes into Retrograde...and around this time in my life, I'm trying to count the blessings where they fall and keep positive as much as I can....Not so easy when things are failing around you.

So far, the result of this combination has been interesting. 

Makati vs. Makatí

kati: Word: kati English Definition: 1) lowtide (noun) 2) itchy, scratchy -- MAKATI (adj) Source: http://www.seasite.niu.edu/Tagalog/
Tagalog: kati	English: lowtide, itchy, scratchy

When I was younger, my mom told me that I was always moving around. "If you're not moving, you're talking. If you're not talking, you're moving," she'd say. "Makatí yung paa!" Literally, "Your feet are itchy."

Though I've definitely calmed down from that fidgety version of me, I still have "itchy feet."

Now, I know that probably sounds gross...like I've got some strange fungus growing on my feet...but I promise you that I don't have any fungi on my toesies.

New Month...Old Goals...Saturn Returns.

Entering my late mid-twenties (disguised as my early late-twenties), my friend Joya clued me into "Saturn's Return." According to this astrological theory, this is the time when lots of changes occur - goals are attained, milestones are reached. Though it's not supposed to be about painful upheaval, I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't some of that thrown into the mix for the fun of it all.

Since April 23rd of 2009, I must say there have been a lot of things going on in this 27 year old's life. From the more personal part, I've had to make some decisions about how far I'm willing to stretch myself for other people. But, that's not necessarily something I'm ready to get into in the blogosphere (god, what a word I never thought I'd use...).


My day job has been under a lot of strain, being a non-profit in a "crumbling economy." Boston Public Schools don't necessarily have the funds to support a tiny organization, no matter the fact that we're in it for the best interest of the students. Nonetheless, we're still here...we're still fighting hard for his organization. After being scared of a multitude of things (losing this job because of finances, and just generally being a wuss), I decided it was high time that I take on a supervisory role. I had a chance to help in what little ways I could with the clinical social work interns, but I would LOVE a macro social work intern. So, I emailed the Field Education Department at Boston University, and requested that they think of me when placing their students. Let me tell you...it felt great to be acknowledged not only as a previous student but as someone who is ready and able to do the work. I hope that I get a *good* macro intern next year.

So, with all the changes during the daytime, I'm finding that there are many changes in other aspects of my life. Growing into my own, I decided to go ahead with this blog. It's probably going to be a random assortment of things I find fascinating, little projects I'm working on, and updates on what's going on in this mermaid's life.

I hope it's fun for some of you :)