30!!! 30!!! 30!!!

Remember those quizzes in the magazines?  The ones that would be like personality tests?  They would tell you what kind of friend/lover you would be or what kind of career you would be good at.

I feel like almost every one of them asked whether you would rather have love or money.

I always always always chose love.  Love over money any day.  I chose it then, and I would still choose it now.

I realized the other day that I am certainly living that. 

In my 30 years of living on this earth, I've managed to surround myself with love.  From my unconditionally loving Yoni, to my eternally supportive friends, to my ever-growing family.  Even my acquaintances, lovers, and admirers have been a source of love and learning.  And that love stretches across the country, across continents. 

When I was in high school, I remember making a vow that I would not regret any decision I make or experiences that I have.  Regret is detrimental to growth.  Instead, I would choose to learn from my mistakes and experiences that are out of my control.  I'm constantly looking for lessons in order to make me a better, more well-rounded, more loving person.

Don't get me wrong.  I've still got a lot to work on.  There are still people I know that I would rather not deal with, who I know just make me angry or frustrated or even a little violent.  Nor have I reached the pinnacle of my career, because I am still figuring out the how's of all that.  I'm not at all saying that I've learned everything there is to learn.

But what I've always said about getting older, why I've always looked forward to turning older, is that there are more opportunities for new experiences that are open to me and I get to utilize all the lessons learned from my youth.  It's like I'm handed magical glasses that let me see things differently, because I'm older and wiser.

I am so excited for the next phase of my life.  For all the new experiences, which get to ride on the back of my first 30 years of life.  For all new new people, who I will learn new ways of looking at things. 

For all the old love that will carry me through and the new love that will encourage me forward.

I am forever blessed to be in this life.

Happy Birthday to Me.

Bit O' Catch-Up - Break-Ups, Thanksgiving in NYC, and Moving

This time, I'm absolutely not pulling your leg when I say that it's been a really crazy busy month.  So, I'm going to attempt to succinctly tell you all about my Thanksgiving in New York as well as other significant life events.

Ready? Go!

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do...Except When It's Harder Not To...
In a way, I wasn't really expecting it since I thought my situation with the boyfriend was improving.  But, it was kind of a long time coming.  I honestly don't know (except that I do, and it's not anything I would post about here) why it took so long for me to follow through on this.  At the end of the day, I'm so much better for it.


Thanksgiving in NYC
Being that I couldn't spend Thanksgiving with the now-ex and because I was kind of anticipating some distance between us, I was happy to have already planned to see my best friend in New York for Thanksgiving.

We had a low key evening of cooking, but celebrated by going to see The Muppets movie.

Fall in New York is Better with Good Company

Had some Turkey at Whole Foods earlier that day,
but had a really healthy veggie dinner later...
of course with some pecan pie...

We could only be with each other for a short less-than-48 hours, so I had to leave the next morning.  But she introduced me to this delicious place called Doughnut Plant, which is one hell of a step up from Dunkin' Donuts.

They have flavors like...TRES LECHES!!!!
which...is f*&^ing amazing...
(picture from Leti)

I definitely took some to go with their home-made chai

Moving On and Moving Forward
It was tough and honestly really scary to know that I had to uproot my life once again.  It's like I keep getting myself into the same situation, hoping for a better end result.  It's the definition of crazy.

But when I had my lowest of lowest days at the end of November, December started to really show me that things can get better.

I had so much trouble finding a new place to live, and I was conflicted about staying in Brighton, which is where I had basically been since I've been in Boston.  Part of me knew that I needed a clean break and moving to a new part of town seemed like the best way to do it.

Eventually, I did find a place and couldn't believe my luck when I realized I had cool landladies and roommate.  I had never been so excited to pick up a key.

opening up to new beginnings

But never had I been so sad to leave behind all that I did.

some of the last of my things

Particularly, I am still feeling devastated to have left Mencken.  It was clear that we had to do what we did - Yoni is much more bonded to me and Mencken to him.  But Mencken was my baby boy.  I found him on Craigslist.  I know that cats adjust a lot quicker than humans do to new situations.  But can you really blame me for wishing to have them both with me or at least with each other?  I am so happy to have Yoni, though.

So, now I'm at my new place, and I have been since December 17th.  I'm lucky to know some amazing people who helped me transport my ridiculous amount of possessions to Jamaica Plain.  Anyone who helps you move is definitely owed some serious favors.  I literally owe those people my life and then some.

Thankful 4 - Besties

Even though we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like to, it's always the best thing ever to see my best friend.  We're such opposites sometimes, but we complement each other perfectly.  We have the best time when we're together.  I'm so lucky that she's on the East Coast, even if it is a different city.

Thankful 4 - Strength

I know that I'm not a fast runner.  I know that I'm not even an endurance runner.  I know that I'm not aspiring to be a runner.  But, man, I know that I will try my best and give it everything I've got.

Every time the bootcamp puts together a challenge, I try to make it just to show myself that I can do it.  I've finished last or second to last every time.  But I still show up.  One day, I won't be last or second to last, but maybe 4th last.

Trying to slim down is hard work.  But I can feel the strength in my body.

And if I'm strong physically, perhaps I can convince myself of my other strengths as well.  I am absolutely thankful for all the strengths that I possess within me, and all the strengths that I can find in others as well.

my beat up sneakies

Thankful 4 - Little Kindnesses

There's very little in the way of politeness or courtesy anymore.  So, it always strikes me by surprise when someone (truth be told, specifically men) hold open a door, or lets someone else take their seat on the T, or just says, "Hello" while walking down the street.  It can even be as simple as trying to be kind.

Those little actions don't have to mean anything.  They don't need to be interpreted in any other way.  Sometimes, they're just nice and being kind.

Sometimes, these little kindnesses mean so much to someone who's had a difficult time seeing anything positive.  Sometimes, these little kindnesses are a breath of fresh, crisp air in a clouded, smokey moment.  Sometimes, these little kindnesses help brings them back to the fact that there are still so many things to be thankful for.

Thankful 4 - Kitty Snuggles

In these 4 days before Thanksgiving in a month that has been both taxing and cruel, I want to recognize the blessings that I am privileged to have in my life.

It still amazes me that the kitties can tell when things aren't going as usual.  Strangely, Yoni has taken to sleeping with me, and sleeping ON me.  I love that little kitty-que.  I'm so thankful for her snuggles, even when it wakes me up.

Yoni and her early morning belly rubs

Nonprofit Expo

I am extremely lucky to be surrounded by amazing, supportive people. So, even in all this unemployment, I can't ever get too down because my friends are so supportive.

Yesterday, one of my friends told me about a Nonprofit Expo at Boston University.  So, I prepared my resumes, put on a business casual outfit complete with my Gentle Souls heels.

Gentle Souls - Fortune Stella

Okay, well, I figured if I'm going to get used to heels, I better start walkin'.  But, I did pack some flats along as well.

So, I had already looked at the list of organizations that were planning on being at the Expo, and I knew that the majority of them weren't necessarily ones that I would apply to.  I also knew that most of the organizations would only be looking for internship or volunteer positions.

Nonetheless, I signed up for a couple of mailing lists, and picked up a ton of fliers and brochures.

Info, info, and more info.

When I would chat up one of the representatives of the different organizations, I would ask if they were hiring or just looking for interns or volunteers.  The majority of folks were definitely looking for volunteers.  However, there were some that mentioned and even had print-outs of some job positions.

I would ask them if they were looking for a specific amount of experience and education.  Weirdly, they would say that they were looking for someone who at least a Bachelors or were in the midst of getting their bachelors.  I then responded, "Well, I have a Masters in Social Work."

I got a lot of surprised faces.  A lot of people who said that I looked so young, so they assumed that I didn't have that much experience.

Even when I would outright tell them that I was a social worker/community organizer, they would try to hand me an internships.

I really don't think I look as young as one of the young ones.  But I appreciate the gesture.

Once I got home, I emailed the folks that I chatted with about specific positions they were offering so that I could have a leg up on the newbies. 

I hope the Expo is fruitful.

Thankful that Tomorrow is Another Day

There's nothing like getting devastating news to make you really sit down and think about what you're thankful for.

I finally got word via letter that I was not chosen for the Program Manager position.  I am devastated to say the least.  I really wanted that job and I know I could have been a super star at it.  I've really put a lot of other things on hold for that job, and maybe that wasn't the right thing to do.

I thought about what I might have done wrong.  I thought about what I could have done better.  Honest to goodness, I tried my best to stay positive about it and to not let it really get to me.  But it did.  I wept like I had lost something that was really only briefly mine.

So, now I feel like I'm back at square one.  Time to start over.  The Wheel of Fortune stopped there for a brief time and said, "Hmm..no, I don't think so."  Just when I thought that maybe Saturn had loosened his grip, he just tightens the hold.

And now I'm back at trying to find the positive at a moment when I feel like nothing is.

It's times like these that Facebook really shows it's power.  As I had publicly declared how much I wanted the position (foolishly thinking that that little bit would help me get the job...okay, I take that back...positive thinking is just really difficult right now...), I felt that I had to publicly share that I did not get the position.

The comments from my friends showed their support.  Though I always feel bad that they are sad for me, I really felt that their comments were little hugs helping to strengthen me.  Their comments helped me feel the sadness, but reminded me that it just means there's something better.

Then, my mom shared a sequence of videos from Disney's "The Rescuers." 

The first one made me ball up in my chair and just wish for simpler times when everything felt in order.  But it also felt the most comforting.  I could almost fell my mom's hand on my head, in an attempt to shelter me from all the hurt.


As I wiped the tears from my eyes, I watched the second video.  Though watching it only caused more tears, it reminded me that part of who I am is to find that silver lining.

I will have my good days and my bad days, but each day is only a tiny step into a lifetime.  Take from it what you can and learn and apply it to making things better.  The absence of a full-time position is an opportunity to build my side job into a real part-time job and maybe more, a chance to really take part in self care, and time to really develop my ideas for my nonprofit.

I won't stop looking for a full-time position and I won't stop building my side job into something that could still supplement my income.

So, what am I thankful for this Thanksgiving?

I am thankful for the boyfriend (who's forehead kisses always make me feel better).
I am thankful for the kitties (who keep me on my toes, wake me in the morning, and allow me to love them).
I am thankful for my friends (near and far, who remind me every day even if we don't speak that day about where I've come from and where I'm going).
I am thankful for our tiny, filled-with-crap, 1-fuse-box, stompy-neighbors apartment (complete with comfy bed and "princess" chair).
I am thankful for my feet (which have helped me express myself through dance, taken me to distant lands, and sometimes remind me to take care of myself).
I am thankful for my voice (which reflects my moods, energy levels, and love of cheesy music).
I am thankful for my family (which continues to grow and evolve, reminding me that I will one day be responsible for my own).

Lastly, I am eternally thankful to my two loving parents, who unceasingly support my crazy decision to stay in Boston (not without questions about when I am moving back to L.A.), whose spirits I carry proudly with me every day, and whose love continues to support me and build me up via YouTube.

To the Stars, Please Take Care of My Lola

My Lola took her last breath today.

About a week ago, we were told that she, already in hospice care, was nearing the end.  I could feel that folks were still holding on to her.  So, I wrote this letter to my Lola.

This past weekend, I had the fortunate opportunity to go home for this unfortunate reason.

The whole 2 days, I felt that I needed  to be really strong for the family.  While I feel that I had a more realistic point of view about her passing, it was difficult to see her in bed the whole time, being fed small amounts of food and given oxygen.  What a way to sustain life.

But my grandmother was a strong woman.

Though she didn't open her eyes at all, she seemed responsive.  I told her how we were going to be alright.  My siblings, my cousins, all us kids.  We'd be okay.  I told her I was leaving for Boston again, but that I'd be back.

She would make a noise signaling that she heard us.  She would raise her eyebrows acknowledging our words.  At one point, she scrunched her face up, almost to say that she didn't believe it was me as she was so used to me being away.

I broke just then, after trying to be strong for the family and for myself.  I broke.  I apologized for being so far away.  I apologized for always leaving.  I told her I loved her.  I told her we would be okay, though I almost didn't believe myself at that moment.

But she taught us that we need to be strong too.

She was 90 years old.  She was a mother of 12, grandmother to over 30, great-grandmother to over 10 and then some.  She's left us all with powerful life lessons, a strong sense of family, and a healthy appetite.

Throughout the month, I will be using this space to honor my Lola the best way I can - with the food she cooked for us kids.

With that, I wanted to post this poem for my family, and a video my mom and cousin put together for her 90th birthday celebration.

“You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

--David Harkins

Leonida Garcia Rodriguez

September 12, 1919 to February 3, 2010

I love you, Lola.

Hello, World!

Wow!

I am truly humbled by all the comments that are pouring in on my give-away post! 

I feel very excited about being a part of this experience!  Though I'm not as creative as some of the AMAZING artists on the One World One Heart tour, I am blessed to be a pit stop (#688!) on this magical carpet ride.

I hope you all enjoy the random sights and sounds I have to share on my own journey.

Thank you all so much!!!

Merry Christmas! War is Over (if you want it)!

As I'm spending my first Christmas with my boyfriend in Los Angeles, surrounded by my loud and obnoxious yet wonderful Filipino family, I wanted to share some sentiments from John Lennon and Yoko Ono. 

Tagalog

I love giving gifts.  Even when my mom would ask, "Why are you giving gifts to those people when they're not giving you anything?"  I gave anyway.

Though I try to be very conscious of the variety of holidays and I'm not at all religious, I credit my family's celebration of Christmas for this need to give to people.  Somehow, this feeling of giving expanded to my becoming a social worker.  I love the whole notion of empowerment and showing people how they can have some control over their own situations.

So, interwebs, this post is a gift to you.  A wish that you have a happy holiday and a reminder that even the most unattainable things are within reach (if you want it).

Happy Holidays!

p.s. Yoko is looking for more languages!  So click on the link at the beginning of the post to see if a language you're familiar with is missing!

Missing Yet Thankful

When the holidays arrive, I get extremely homesick.

Even after the holidays, when the snow settles in blocks of sludge on street corners and my breath proceeds my every step, bicoastal living doesn't seem as attractive.

Things are just..very different.  When I look at pictures of my family, I can't help but feel this slight ache at not being part of the pictures.  Family here in Boston is just...very different.