First Impressions

Since I've been doing all these interviews lately, I've thought a lot about first impressions.

What must people think of me as I walk in?  I've heard all kinds of things about how to dress, and I make sure to pack my pumps with me so that I'll look taller.

But then I get to introduce myself and talk about myself as a potential candidate.  At some point, when I become a bit more comfortable, my California comes out.

What does that mean, you say?

I think it means that I turn my friendliness level up.  I know that I still maintain my professionalism, but I'll make a quick joke or throw a little sarcasm in there following the lead of the interviewer.  I don't know if it's not okay to do that....but it's me.  It's who I am.

Then there are other times, when I feel like I come off really loud and obnoxious.  Usually, it's at a party, where everyone's somewhat loud and obnoxious.  But for some reason, I get very conscious of how I come off.

I have quite an eclectic group of friends.  Some are artists, dancers, musicians.  Others are engineers, scientists, scholars.  Obviously, there's a bit of crossover between the two types of brains.  But then their friends sometimes get a chance to interact with me in our social gatherings.

gorgeous Mercedes-Benz ad

Sometimes, I feel like I must weird people out.  Sometimes, I can be quite outspoken and honest.  Sometimes, I wonder if it makes people feel uncomfortable that I will sometimes blurt things out.

Let's say, I suddenly start talking about my "night job," which is much more for adults.  Some people get extremely interested, and some people don't make eye contact with me for the rest of the night.

At an old-school hip hop party my friends hosted last week, I was totally in-character and proceeded to greet people in a somewhat flamboyant way.  I don't know if that weirds people out.  But...it's me.  I was having fun.

Being a somewhat stubborn...okay...very stubborn person, I sometimes want to find a way to break through to new people who might be weirded out by me at first.  Like, maybe if they just talk to me more, they'll see that I'm pretty awesome.

I don't know why it matters.

I know I'm friendly, I know I can be a bit outspoken, and I know that the people who know me and love me are really the ones who matter most.

These are just some random thoughts that have flitted through my brain waves.  That's all.

Without Family

For a while, I've felt that something was wrong.  Something didn't feel right in my world.  I wasn't sure what it was, and I didn't know how to ask about it.

Then today, I got confirmation.

For a while, I knew that my family was probably not happy with how I dealt with my grandmother's passing in February.  I'm sure that part of it is that I was living across the country, and didn't have to see her diminishing.  However, I also had the clearest head about it.

In her final 2 months, my grandmother was having health issues upon health issues.  She was less and less able to climb the stairs to our room.  She was forgetting things and she was regressing a bit.

It's not the kind of life I would want for any of my family.

I was extremely sad to see the end of her life be so painful.  I knew that her body needed to be at rest, and I anticipated it much easier than a lot of my family did.

While I anticipated that some of my family would be angry at me for mourning differently, I didn't anticipate that my actions would be misunderstood by my family.

Being the eldest of my 2 siblings, my natural inclination is to be the caretaker.  I'm sure that is what has lead me to my chosen profession. 

So, I knew that my inclination was to be the strong caretaker when my grandmother passed.  I wanted to make sure my siblings were okay, that my cousins, aunts, and uncles were okay, and that my mom (most of all) was okay.

The weekend of my grandmother's wake was a busy weekend.  Emotionally, that is.

On Friday night, I took the Fung Wah Bus to New York to be with my best friend.  Saturday morning, we drove to Connecticut to get her things from her ex-husband's house.  Later that evening, I took the bus back to Boston.  Early Sunday morning, the boyfriend and I flew to Los Angeles to join my family for my grandmother's wake.

Skies Over Flights

As we drove to the funeral home, I could feel the exhaustion.  It was going to be a long day, and I had a lot of people to be strong for.

At some point, the boyfriend wanted to go back to the house to watch the Superbowl.  He's a huge football fan, and he didn't want to miss the game.  I drove him back and decided to take the opportunity to rest my eyes and my energy just for a couple of hours.

Then after having some food to regain some energy, I rejoined my family at the wake.

Well, apparently, some people in my family assumed that I left the wake to watch the Superbowl and be with the boyfriend instead of with them.

Actually, I'm sure that some of my family members were angry that I even brought the boyfriend at all.  But he and I were staying in Los Angeles for 2 weeks after the wake to house sit, so of course he flew out with me.

So, okay, fine.  I suppose I didn't need to take a nap from such an exhausting weekend.

But, if they were angry at me for leaving them, why did I have to find this out in December?  If they were angry or frustrated or disappointed at me, why didn't they bring it up to me when those feelings first came up?

I'm hurt that that's what they thought of me.  I'm frustrated that my trying to stay strong was misunderstood.  Sure, I anticipated that they might not understand that I chose to be strong in front of my family, while I cried and mourned privately.  But I didn't anticipate that they would hold on to their misconceptions for so long.

I'm disappointed that they didn't feel like they could talk to me about those things.  But what am I supposed to do that about it?  I can't change the way they mourned and I can't change the way they want to deal with their emotions.

All I can do is speak for myself, on my behalf, and hope that I wouldn't be misunderstood.

Mercury in Retrograde Stings

In the past month, I've managed to engage in ridiculous conversations with ridiculous people.  All on Facebook.  I'm going to admit that I feel like I walked right into these ridiculous conversations, basically forgetting that the interwebs is full if idiots.

Working with Children
On August 24th, a cousin of mine posted a comment about how young girls getting pregnant makes him shake his head (or "smh" as he said).  So, several of his friends chimed in saying that those girls are stupid, they need to keep their legs closed, they're little hoes.

One girl then states that she was a teen mom, but her baby daddy is helping to take care of them and that she's in college now.  She confessed that sex was enjoyable for her, but that she is dealing with the consequences.  

My cousin's friends then proceeded to completely misunderstand what she said.  They didn't understand why she considered herself a teen mom but she was also in college.  They said that she was basically telling them that everyone should go out and have sex because it feels good.

Being who I am, I couldn't help but respond to some of the ridiculousness.  I congratulated the girl for doing what she needed to do to keep her head up, and spoke generally about how it is too bad that there are a lot of girls who are left with very little choices, but that people need to do something about it instead of pointing fingers.

This was the conversation, shortened, but cut and pasted:

Girl 1:  @ cecilia no body not placeing blame on no one her story juss sounded crazy she said the sex is great aand that u shouldn't wait til marriage lmaoo basically sayin everyone juss go fuck b4 marriage its cool lmaoo buhh thass why she got a baby in the first place ?

Me:  @[Girl 1], she said that saving it for marriage was old school FOR HER. Plus, I don't know why you're getting so defensive. No one needs to get defensive here.

Personally, I can barely understand anything you all are saying.

Let's be honest ...here, the rate of sexual behavior is up, though technically teen pregnancies are down. Pregnancy isn't the only thing you need to worry about - there's tons of STI's that'll come your way to. The point is, teen pregnancy is a sad fact, but is perhaps due to mainly to lack of education. But it doesn't mean that it has to be a sad situation for all teen moms. We all agree about that, yes?

Girl 2:  wtf wutss up witt all thaa bigg ass paragraphs..i dontt thinkk anybody givess a fuck about what you gotta sayy..welcome 2wwo reality..obviously she dont shee dontt knoo how 2wwo keep hurr leggs closed...buhh you kno what erry body gonna have sex buhh fuck at least use a fucken rubber....nd wtf did yall read what i read....cuhz brend sayin sex is great and do it b4 marrige...so..

Me:  That's cute, Kye. Hi, by the way. It's nice to meet all of you. I'm M's cousin. :)

Girl 2:  Cecilia shut tha fuck up....trynna sound educated...bitch you kno damm rite you proly a hoe 2wwo trynna stand up for another hoee that got knocked up lmfaoooo wow very funny

Girl 2: and nice 2wwo meet you 2wwo ♥ @cecilia

Girl 1:  lmaoo Girl 2 we are retarded , i'mmm laughin so hard 2wwo this post i wasn't exspecting people to take it the wrong way lol i juss thought it was funny AF .

Me:  Girl 2 and Girl 1, I apologize if I can't understand what you're typing..or texting..or whatever...or is it watevah? I don't know..hahahaha

Before we get all attacky, like I said, I'm Miguel's cousin. I'm 28, a social worker (that's with a Masters). I currently live in Boston, but Miguel grew up with my siblings and I together in L.A. Personally, I don't think it's fair to attack anyone on the basis of limited information. Funny or whatever.

Either way, I hope Miguel brings you guys to our house next time we have a family party! He needs to introduce us to more of his friends...got that, M??

Girl 1:  lmao they really not gettin this smhh :/ , haha anywho's :P

Girl 2: @cecilia i dont wanna meet you in person ur a social worker you might take us away!! you might try 2wwo do some voodoo shit so nice 2wwo meet you thoee SIKE YOU CRAZII BITCH! nd @thailor bitch please no body asked you 2wwo comment on what we said in tha first place ...bitch gett on wit yo self witt that dumb shitt pshh... trynnna sound educated ....bitchh hahaha... YOU proly a hoee 2wwo haha !! how bout you take yo own advice and stick it up your founky ass

 My Cousin: Girl 2 dnt talk 2 my cuzzin cecilia like dat

Did you get any of that? Sigh

Seriously, it was really hard to understand any of what these girls were saying. It took me a while to really be able to respond because I wasn't sure what the hell they were talking about!

I realize that they probably didn't understand a thing I was saying either.  I then checked out what I could of their profiles, and I realized that I was having a conversation about teen pregnancy with girls who are basically still teens themselves.

I take full responsibility for engaging with them and for thinking that talking to them like adults would make them more mature.  Empowerment doesn't work via Facebook, I learned.

When People Think They're Smarter Than You
Then, the other day, another character posted something about how her "racist anti-immigrant Vietnamese neighbor" was having a BBQ, so she blasted banda music as she is Mexican.

The comments quickly disintegrated into racial slurs about Asians.  I mean, really?

So, here's what happened this time:

Dude:  fish eyeball eatin' muthafuckas'!!! next thing you know the fucking muslims will be talkin shit! this country is fucked!

 Me:  ya this country is fucked if we keep pulling out more stereotypes! I can guarantee that you can find people of all ethnicities who are anti-immigrant...ignorance is color blind.

Dude:   im familiar with world economics and my opinions arent based on "color."
try travelling a bit, and see what happens when the world's population keeps rising but the resources keep dwindling. of course, its always the consumerists first in line to point the finger.

Wait, I'm sorry.  I didn't realize that "fish eyeball eatin' muthafucka's" and "stinky breath, nose poking, murph taking out chinos cochinos" was more a comment about economics.

Sigh.

I didn't engage on the status anymore, but I did send that dude a private message basically saying that he had no idea of who I am in this world, and calling him out on his statement.  In the end, he tried to "friend" me, but I really didn't want to bite.

The boyfriend shook his head at me, basically saying if I had learned my lesson and not engaged with strangers on Facebook.  I don't know if I have learned my lesson, honestly.  I don't think it's right that I have to hold my tongue just because there are stupid people commenting as well.

I can only hope that part of anything I say gets heard by someone who disagrees with me, though I'm sure those girls and that dude have already moved on and called someone else a "CRAZII BITCH" or tell them to "try travelling a bit."

For a second, I felt completely turned off my Facebook and the internet.  Why is it that these misunderstandings keep happening?  True, we're in the midst of Mercury in Retrograde.  But perhaps it's best to stay away from engaging with strangers?

Luckily, I know amazing people who in turn support me and my comments.  They left me with this thought, and I will leave it now with you.

‎"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” ~ Dr Seuss