20 Til 30 - Closing Doors and Opening Windows

My time with my dream job is quickly coming to an end.  By quickly, I mean by the end of next week I will no longer be an employee of Planned Parenthood.

It's heartbreaking to say the least. 

It's lead me to really think about what else I want to do in the sexual health field.  I know I'm not going to give up in trying to find my niche.

Yet, I do feel like I have to go through a bit of a mourning period.  It's amazing that I was able to get this dream job, even though it didn't manifest the way I ultimately would have liked, before I reached 30.  I think it is awesome that I get to put such a big organization on my resume.  I think I'm incredibly lucky to have the connections that I've made through the organization.

But now that this door is about to close, I'm ready to see where the next door will take me. 

I am scared.  Scared it will lead me back into the desperation I felt when I was unemployed and stuck.  But I know I am lucky to be surrounded by so many supportive people who can help encourage me and give me feedback and give me ideas.

I'm anxious about this challenge, but I know I have the tools now.

The Women in Business Manifesto
found here:
http://www.womeninbusiness.com.au/

And Just Like That...I Am Employed!

Within the last week, I am happy to report that I was asked to join the after school program as a regular staff (20 hours a week), as well as being offered to supervise a first year MSW Intern (2 hours), as well as being offered to join Planned Parenthood as a sex educator (20 hours)!!!

I can't believe how all of this has suddenly presented itself in only the past month, though I've been waiting for these types of opportunities for over a year.

I literally had to cover my mouth to stop myself from yelling out loud on the phone, but I immediately started dancing around and shouting when I hung up.  The kitties came out from wherever they were napping with confused stares.

But I'm so extremely excited!

Things go into full swing on the 12th, so I imagine a bit of adjustment is going to need to happen for me.  But if I can push through a month of working almost every day of the week (June 2011), then I know I can push through this.  Especially since they will be things that I really want to do.

There's a part of me that is aware of how my point of view has shifted in the past year.  There's been a lot of disappointment and a lot of difficulties.  It's hard for me to go into anything fully without being a bit more cautious.

I don't know if it's that I've lost my sense of adventure and spontaneity, or if I'm just being cautiously optimistic.  Maybe a little of both?

Remember when I had to do the 15 Jobs a Week Challenge?  I think that though I ended up getting hired to do 1. a job I was already doing and 2. a job that showed up long after this challenge, the challenge helped to really get me practice in writing a cover letter and doing interviews.  But ultimately, I learned that while I was capable and experienced enough to do many of those jobs, I just didn't fit them and it wouldn't have been a good fit for me.

Now I've found some jobs that I do enjoy, even though it will take some time for me to adjust to it all.

Random Thoughts about Drama

I'm not going to get into the details, but I do have some thoughts.

I think a lot of drama is caused by miscommunication or lack of communication.  Different communications styles and different personalities just don't mix as well sometimes, I guess.

You get your people who are all about confrontation and you get your people who avoid confrontation like the plague.  Sometimes those two combine, and they get to teach each other something.  Sometimes confrontation meets confrontation and avoiding meets avoiding.  Sometimes they learn, too.  Sometimes they explode.


I think a lot of drama is caused by inconsistency.  Inconsistency just means that there's a lot of instability in certain aspects.  Instability can make people nervous and feel unsafe.

Some folks can adapt and be flexible.  But sometimes needing to be on your toes all the time will make you walk on eggshells all the time.

Now those are just my thoughts about general drama.  Work drama is a different story altogether.

It's always interesting to see what the culture is at different work places. 

Are people super friendly if you're new?  Or are they kind of stand-offish and keep to their already formed groups?  Are you given a tour of your work place?  Or are you still uncertain about policies and procedures?  Are the staff sharing responsibilities?  Or are some people being taken advantage of or not pushing their weight?


How do those qualities play into the drama? Then when you include the different styles of communication, well...you see where I'm going.

Sometimes, people aren't aware of the weight that they carry.  Be it with a supervisor or be it with other staff.  Some people happen to carry the power, and not necessarily the role of supervisor or boss.  This isn't necessarily a negative thing, however, since most people will use their power to ensure a positive working environment.

At least, I would hope so.

Day 10: Lifting the Lorax

The Lorax is by far my favorite Dr. Seuss story.  It always has been, and it always will be.

"I am the Lorax! I speak for the trees!"

When I was younger, I really truly believed that truffula trees existed somewhere once. 

Like the Lorax, I feel like I will speak for something until change is made.  But even the Lorax knows when to take himself elsewhere.  Sometimes it takes hitting the bottom to be able to lift yourself up from it.

I took this picture at a school where I was interviewing for a potentially full-time permanent job.  And I learned today that I didn't get that position.

But truth be told, knowing that they were considering making me an offer created more anxiety for me.  It was really similar to the previous program in that it was working with K-8 schools; however, it's located in a more stable (read: wealthier) party of the city.

I should have jumped at this offer, right?  But I didn't.  I didn't because I had already agreed to do full time hours at the summer program, and I was feeling anxious about suddenly going back on that agreement.

But on this same day, I also was given an opportunity to be trained as a certified sex educator.  Certified.  It's something I've wanted for a long time.  I jumped at this opportunity.

I feel like something is happening.  I'm trying to really figure out who I want to be in this world, what kind of Lorax I want to be.  And the opportunities are finally making their way through the smog.

I just have to lift myself through it.

Week of Advocacy

It turns out that I'm full of much more gumption than I thought I was.  In all this time, being unemployed can really make you feel at your lowest.

Apparently, according to different things people are hearing, employers aren't hiring those who aren't already working.  Which is a horrible way to go about business if you ask me.  It doesn't lessen the unemployment rates if the unemployed folks who are looking aren't getting hired.  In fact, it's ridiculous and counterproductive.

In turn, the fact that employers are following this trend makes me think that it would contribute to the lowering self-worth that us unemployed folks have felt.  "No one is hiring me, regardless of my skills because I'm not already part of the work force.  I must not be worth the chance."

Then, when an opportunity presents itself, one has to muster up whatever sort of positive energy they have to then project how amazing and awesome they actually are as a person and an employee.  But if you've been feeling so low for so long, this is easier said than done.

This past week, I've really had to do some quick turnaround in terms of my self-esteem.  Luckily, I've had a lot of people support me when I would tell them about what was going on in my job search.  Talking with some of them helped me remember that I had more options that I remembered.

workisnotajob.com

This past week, I really had the opportunity to put my macro social work skills into action by negotiating the terms of my employment, something I wouldn't have ever thought I could do while unemployed.

So, when it came to accepting the full-time temporary position at the after school/summer program, I wanted to make sure to ask about a slight pay increase after the full training.  My supervisor sent the request to HR, which means that he would support it.

Considering my education level, I know I could be paid much more than I was getting.  Just his willingness to consider it, regardless of whether I get a raise at all, had made it worth my asking.

Then, I had another interview scheduled.  Just because I have an idea of what's going on for me this summer definitely doesn't mean that I should rest on my laurels too much.  So, as it was clear that the interview was going relatively well, I asked about what time frame they were looking at. 

I let both of my interviewers know that I had agreed to work full time for the summer, and "I'm the kind of person who feels that when I start something, I finish it."  Both were impressed by my loyalty, and were extremely open to the idea of having someone start later than they both projected.  Again, even if they don't end up hiring me, it feels good to know that I stood up for myself and my schedule.

Remember a couple of posts back, when I was having some anxiety about my work schedule at City Hall?  I had the chance to talk face to face with my employer and future co-workers.  After filling out the necessary paperwork, I then had a chance to speak with the woman who's been trying to hire me. 

I let her know that while we had agreed on the month of June, that because I hadn't really heard about any final details that I had to make some plans.  Thus, I have a couple of weekends when I wouldn't be able to work.  However, I'm more than willing to come in on evenings during the week.

After a bit of balking, I realized that while they were a bit worried about the space in their office, they didn't necessarily know where and when people were in different locations.  I'm still going to be working on the weekends and some evenings, however I am also going in on Tuesday morning.  But I let them know that there were just several days that I couldn't do it.  It's just how it is.

You can't possibly expect that I've been sitting around twiddling my thumbs and not making plans.  At one point, they said that they were workaholics.  I get that, I really do.  But that's not the road I want to go down, and if they want to hire me I need to set a precedence for how I plan to work.

I'll work hard and earn my keep.  But I'll be damned if I let this get in the way of my self-care, my happiness, and my goals.

workisnotajob.com

So, as the weekend has arrived, I'm really happy to know that I have a group of people who have supported me through my continuing rough times.  And I'm extremely proud of myself for what I was able to advocate for.  That is, I advocated for me.

Toesies of the Month - May 2011

I have to admit.  My toes for the month are pretty ghetto.

Don't get me wrong.  They're pretty.  But they're also kind of ghetto.

Of course, with the funds dwindling still, I decided it was high time that I did my own toes.  It isn't too bad, but of course I wanted to have something fun like the awesome designs that previous nail technicians have done.

But I don't have any of those skills.  So I had to get creative.

I remembered that I had a bunch of star stickers that I had bought randomly at Staples.  I thought, why the heck not?

Ready to see them?

Designed by yours truly, Brighton, MA
Color: Orly - Meet Me Under the Mistletoe
Occasion: Toes needed some lovin'
May 2011

*supah stah*

Well, the stars, being stickers, are relatively flat and my toe nails are not.  So, I had to to a little bit of pushing the little corners down.  Hopefully, they will survive my moving around throughout the day.

The color is a really pretty dark green with sparklies that I stumbled upon at CVS.  The bottle is tiny, and seemed to be the last of its kind.  It was like it was meant for me.

I have another job interview tomorrow (I know that I was super overwhelmed in my last post about jobs, but I figure it wouldn't hurt to continue interviewing), so I won't paint my fingers til Friday perhaps.  But I'm really liking this color.

Though, perhaps next time I will invest in little nail stickies.

Unemployment Woes Temporarily on Hiatus

Last week, I had two interviews.  They were at places that I knew I could excel at.  Then on Friday, I get an email from the after school where I've been subbing.

They offered me a summer job.  I don't think there are too many benefits, really.  But it would be full time.  It's a job.

I agonized over this all weekend.  There was definitely a part of me that hoped the Rapture would come not only for my own sick fascination, but just so I wouldn't have to make a decision.

I knew that the other jobs were still in the midst of their interviewing process, and it seemed like I had always been the first person they interviewed for the specific positions.  At this point, there's still a possibility of getting second interviews.

But I had to make a choice.  And really, this was the only choice offered to me thus far.  I had to take it.

I'm about to see if I can finagle getting a couple of cents or even a dollar more in terms of wage.  I also let my supervisor know that I have made some plans, but that the rest of my summer is fairly open.

I know that if something better were to come up, I could always let them know that my plans have changed.  But I honestly feel like that is bad form, and not necessarily helpful in terms of building a relationship for future references.

I just happen to be the kind of person who tries to finish what I start, even if it takes me the longest time to get to the finish.

So, while I still need money now and I'm still not going to stop interviewing, I feel a lot less stressed about what is happening in my life.

Lastly, I wanted to share a hilarious cover letter that was posted on the Huffington Post.  Clearly, I should have taken a tip from this guy for a guaranteed hire.

I can do a Rubik's Cube!

******UPDATE******
So, I've now also been asked to work at City Hall for the month of June.  But this means 20 hours in a so-busy-but-they-don't-really-have-room-in-the-office so I'll have to do some weekend hours with another person there who's trained.

What?

I know I need the money, so I agreed to it.  But I'm literally having an anxiety attack right now.  I unfortunately haven't really been sitting around saving my weekends for this job.  In fact, I just agreed to do a Survivor Speaker Training at the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center on the first weekend of June. Plus, I have my night job.  Plus, there's a wedding mid-month.

I mean, there HAS to be some flexibility, right?

This is a really good lesson for me.  Not only will I have to ask for a slightly higher pay from the summer program, but I will also have to ask for some flexibility from City Hall.

This will be a true test in self-care, I think.  I have to learn how to ask for what I'm worth.  I'm worth more pay and I'm worth some flexibility in terms of hours.

Goddamnit.

First Impressions

Since I've been doing all these interviews lately, I've thought a lot about first impressions.

What must people think of me as I walk in?  I've heard all kinds of things about how to dress, and I make sure to pack my pumps with me so that I'll look taller.

But then I get to introduce myself and talk about myself as a potential candidate.  At some point, when I become a bit more comfortable, my California comes out.

What does that mean, you say?

I think it means that I turn my friendliness level up.  I know that I still maintain my professionalism, but I'll make a quick joke or throw a little sarcasm in there following the lead of the interviewer.  I don't know if it's not okay to do that....but it's me.  It's who I am.

Then there are other times, when I feel like I come off really loud and obnoxious.  Usually, it's at a party, where everyone's somewhat loud and obnoxious.  But for some reason, I get very conscious of how I come off.

I have quite an eclectic group of friends.  Some are artists, dancers, musicians.  Others are engineers, scientists, scholars.  Obviously, there's a bit of crossover between the two types of brains.  But then their friends sometimes get a chance to interact with me in our social gatherings.

gorgeous Mercedes-Benz ad

Sometimes, I feel like I must weird people out.  Sometimes, I can be quite outspoken and honest.  Sometimes, I wonder if it makes people feel uncomfortable that I will sometimes blurt things out.

Let's say, I suddenly start talking about my "night job," which is much more for adults.  Some people get extremely interested, and some people don't make eye contact with me for the rest of the night.

At an old-school hip hop party my friends hosted last week, I was totally in-character and proceeded to greet people in a somewhat flamboyant way.  I don't know if that weirds people out.  But...it's me.  I was having fun.

Being a somewhat stubborn...okay...very stubborn person, I sometimes want to find a way to break through to new people who might be weirded out by me at first.  Like, maybe if they just talk to me more, they'll see that I'm pretty awesome.

I don't know why it matters.

I know I'm friendly, I know I can be a bit outspoken, and I know that the people who know me and love me are really the ones who matter most.

These are just some random thoughts that have flitted through my brain waves.  That's all.

Getting Lost

Rock bottom is pretty sharp and painful.  As my bank accounts slowly reach dangerously low levels, my anxiety is getting higher.

Now, I'm nervous that it's starting to affect my job search endeavors.

Last Monday, I had an interview in a suburb of Boston, one that I would need a car to get to.  I ended up asking a friend first if he could just drive me, but he offered that I take the car myself.  Naturally, since I couldn't afford a Zipcar at the moment, I took the opportunity.

I put in $20 worth of gas the night before since the level was quite low.  In the morning, as I was working out, I saw that a tow truck pulled up on the block where I parked the car.  Just as I sprinted down the hill, I managed to get a $40 ticket.  At that point, I might as well have gotten a Zipcar.

Later that morning, I was ready to go to the job interview.  I plugged in my GPS and went on my merry way.  Unfortunately, when I got there, I found myself in front of a residence.  This didn't seem right.

I tried calling the women who was interviewing me, but she wouldn't pick up.  I realized I was in a neighboring town, so I checked my email and the woman said it was by "Cochichuit" street.  My GoogleMaps couldn't find that street.  After Googling it instead, I found it.  It was "Cochituate Rd."

As I proceeded in that direction, I was already fairly late.  I had left several messages, and the woman still had not picked up or called back.

I circled in a mall area, in another business' parking lot, and almost got back on the highway before finally finding the building.  As I pulled into the lot, the woman finally called me and wondered where I was.  I told her that I had tried calling and left multiple messages, but that I had gotten lost.

Not as dire...but just as disappointing...
and still keeping hope alive...

At this point, I was already 25 minutes late.  But I told her that I'd still like to go through the interview.

Goodness, if I was the person trying to hire someone, there's no way that I would hire the late person unless they were extremely amazing.  I felt like a hot mess.

Suffice it to say, I did not get the job.  Part of me is irritated since I had asked for directions from her and didn't get them until I was on the road.  Though, it really worked out for the best since I would have to make it to the office every day and go further west into Central Massachusetts to do some of my work.

Honestly, I feel like it just proved to me to stick within areas that I could easily reach via public transportation or even bicycling.

But it really made me think about all the jobs I've applied to.  Some I knew I was qualified for, some I knew I was over qualified for, some were definitely a reach.  But some were a reach because I knew it would be difficult for me to get there.

Still, I had to apply.  I definitely haven't been able to do 15 jobs a week since the first time.  But I'm still pushing through.  Hopefully, there will not be anymore getting lost.

Travels: I Left My Appetite In San Francisco

My birthday fell on a Saturday this year.  It also turns out that my family was heading to San Francisco since my sister was going to be part of a show on the day of my birthday.  Seeing that I haven't seen them since July 2010, and being that I'm still unemployed, I figured it was high time that I made it back to the West Coast.

View of the Pacific Ocean from the Sunset/Parkside area.

The last time I was in San Francisco was for a quick stop-over on our way to Napa Valley.  Before that, it was a quick trip for my sister's graduation from culinary school, which was back in 2008.

Truth be told, I hesitated on whether I should have gone on the trip.  I just don't feel comfortable making plans too far ahead, especially not knowing whether I would need to rearrange my entire schedule based on a new job or not.  But at some point, I realized that I had to make this trip regardless.

Wednesday, April 20th
This day snuck up on me!  While I was extremely excited, I found myself really anxious about traveling.  I think a lot about what I might have forgotten or about all the things I still needed to do.

In the morning, I had 2 interviews (which I'm pretty sure I ROCKED!), then I had to finish up packing and spend some quality time with the boyfriend and the kittehs before heading out.

At this point, I had already reintroduced meat into my diet, and I knew that my body was a lot less angry at me than I anticipated.  So, naturally, as soon as I was picked up by my sister, I had one destination in mind.

Cheeseburger and Fries - both Animal Style
 with a Vanilla Shake

It was truly heavenly.  I have yet to find something that is similar to In N Out, though I'm sure they exist.

I laughed a bit at the idea that there are always In N Out's near the airports in California.  Obviously, they were strategic and thought about all the folks who have been deprived of a delicious and simple burger joint.  Pure genius is what it is.

Thursday, April 21st
My sister let me stay at her apartment during this trip.  I'd have to say that it was extremely convenient to be near public transportation, and I found it quite easy to travel throughout the city by Muni and Bart.

San Francisco's Muni Map

I can see why so many people have compared Boston and San Francisco, considering that it can be so easy to live in the city without a car.  Though, I'd have to say that San Francisco's system is much nicer compared to Boston's.  Many of the stops, for both the trolley and the buses, have notifications for when the next one will be on its way.  They even have the Owl service for some of the Muni lines, which runs between 1am and 5am!

But, I digress.

I had brunch with my sister at the Squat & Gobble on West Portal.  Aside from dim sum, this was my first official brunch after my pescatarian/vegan diet.  I had a really hard time choosing what to feast on.

My sister and I at the Squat & Gobble

I then made my way to meet up with a classmate from grad school who I haven't seen since graduation.  I, for one, am quite glad that Facebook allows us to keep in "contact," even if it means just knowing what a person has been up to in the past month.

We had lunch at Sushi Kinta in the Embarcadero Center, caught up on what the other had been doing in the past 4 and a half years.  We talked about the weird trap that being labeled a "social worker" has us in, especially when it comes to employment.

Though it was a brief lunch with her, it was awesome to hang with her.  Truth be told, it's folks like her that make me feel happy about going into social work.  Not because we're necessarily where we want to be in our professional life, but because I had the pleasure of making some amazing friends.

As she went back to work, she encouraged me to walk around a bit and explore the Ferry Plaza.  As I started walking, I suddenly realized that I had been in that area before - years and years ago at a war protest rally!  A flood of memories came rushing through my head, and it made me more excited to see more of my friends.

The Ferry Plaza on The Embarcadero

It was really a gorgeous day.  I soaked in that California sun and remembered why I still call that state home.

San Francisco Bay with the Bay Bridge, Treasure Island, and a Ferry

Later that night, I had signed up to drop in on a belly dance class, and that took me to the Noe Valley area where the hills and view were both steep and breath-taking.

Yipes!
 At the top of 24th St.

Though the class I attended ended way later than I anticipated, I was still able to see a friend from undergrad who I hadn't seen in about 4 years.  It was great to see that she was loving her job and doing so much after having just finished grad school.  We reminisced on all the crazy times we had together, and talked about all the changes that have gone on in our lives.

She and I met up at the Beretta Restaurant, where I really had no choice but to get the pizza with clams.

I don't know what your particular tastes are...but clam and garlic pizza is the frakkin' bomb, yo.  It's so bomb, I was compelled to say that it was bomb...yo.

I first had this amazing slice of pizza in my young days as a Banana Slug at UC Santa Cruz.  Specifically, this was a treat at Pizza My Heart.  I kid you not, people.  It's worth a trip to find clam and garlic pizza.  Hmm..now I'm starving.

To Be Continued...
Next Up:  San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear Some Flowers In Your Green Hair)

15 x 4 = 60

As the second week of intense job searching is here, there's been some ups and downs.

If you remember, a friend of mine is making sure that I apply to 15 jobs a week, which means 60 jobs in a month.

Well, we're on Week 2 of this.

Week 1 was awesome.  Super productive and somewhat fruitful.  I applied to 3 jobs a day, starting on Friday, April 8th.

I have 1 phone interview scheduled on April 20th, and I'm waiting to hear back about the availability for another interview at a different company.

But now, I've applied to 21 jobs.  Truth be told, I've applied to more jobs than I actually think I'm qualified for - whether that be that I'm reaching to be qualified or that I'm over-qualified. 

Uh...except I disagree about Steve Jobs...

If it's a numbers game, then I should just apply and apply and apply until something actually pulls through.  Right?

When my friend and I were discussing the terms of this Job Search Challenge, she stressed that I should stop looking for jobs in the nonprofit field.  That if I want to be able to own a house or if I actually want to make a difference, I need to go for less grassroots jobs.  That working for a large corporation would then give me the means to make a difference.

Honestly, I feel like that goes against every fiber of my being.  I was raised with a very specific set of beliefs.  When I first started graduate school, I knew that I stood for grassroots all the way.  I strongly believe that making a difference doesn't necessarily take money, and I know that there are many nonprofits who prove me right.

Now, I know that doesn't make me rich, nor do I really strive to be wealthy.  In today's economic environment, I know that I might not get my dream job, especially considering that I believe I'll have to actually create my dream job.  But I know that I've already made a difference on someone's life.

I also know that I can still work in the nonprofit world and buy a house one day.  It might not happen in the blink of an eye, but it's still possible.

So, that being said, I've applied to various sizes of organizations.  Some of the organizations probably won't be able to offer me a salary that's worth my while.  Some of the organizations probably won't hire me because they know they can't pay me what I'm worth.

But, honestly, I struggled in finding 3 jobs to apply to today.  I know I'm going to have more and more trouble finding jobs to apply to that I'm qualified for, will pay me what I'm worth, and are mentally and emotionally engaging for me.

for serious...

I'm nervous that I have to compromise on something huge just to get a consistent job.  I'm not sure yet what I'm really willing to compromise on when the time comes to make a decision.

Boot Camp - Week 5

I did it, y'all.

I completed 5 sessions of bootcamp.

Granted, I totally cheated the system.  I guess I was supposed to do 5 sessions back to back on the regular schedule (Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays).  But, they didn't really specify that.  So I ended up going on every Wednesday instead.  I didn't actually realize it until they started asking me if I was going to show up on Friday.

Oh, well.

In the 4th session of bootcamp, it was a pretty windy but sunny day.  Being that I was already having a bit of a cold, the windiness just kind of aggravated my coughing.  I ended up taking it a bit easy the rest of the week, considering that I had the BARCC Walk that weekend (more on that later).

No surprise, however, that I didn't see any changes on the scale.

But, this week was my final paid session.

It was a rainy Wednesday, but that doesn't stop the trainers from taking it outside.  For the most part, we were underneath a shaded area.

I prepared a playlist of songs that would help to motivate me in the morning, and it really seemed to help.  As I ran around the raised lawn area, I found that The Jacksons' "Blame It On the Boogie" was really motivating me to keep going at a good pace.  Maybe it was the beat, but it was pretty helpful to have it playing in my head.  For the first time, I didn't feel like dying immediately after starting to run.

Near the end, we were instructed to run up and down stairs, run to the other side of the raised lawn area, and then up and down another set of stairs.  As I reached the top of the second set of stairs, I was slowed as I saw the sign for the Division of Unemployment.

Click on the image to see my little directions.

Knowing that the unemployment office was right where we had been working out gave me a second wind.  I feel like I really pushed myself harder during the circuits.

Afterward, I knew I wanted to continue doing bootcamp.  I burn so many calories in an hour, and I feel so powerful after working out. 

The worst part, really, is having to wake up so early.  And yet, it's great to know that I'm done with my workouts and have so much more of the day to accomplish things.

Here's the thing.  If I want my body to change, I have to really push myself and work out really hard.  I really think that bootcamp will help me get to where I want to be.  So, perhaps at the end of the month or starting in May, I will be attempting to get my butt up at 4:30 in the morning on more than just Wednesdays.

Toesies of the Month - April 2011

I am once again left with very little options.  I just found out that the one job that seemed like a complete shoe-in, considering that we had even mentioned salary, materialized into nothingness.

I found this out just as I was feeling extremely happy to hang out with a dear friend and get a pedicure.  I tried to hold it together at least until I was in her vicinity, but a couple of tears escaped as I sat on the bus.

But my friend helped me to feel a little bit better, though sometimes it's just so hard to get out of the depression spiral.

I needed a pedicure more than anything at that point. 

Designed by Nina, Dana's Nail Salon, Brighton, MA
Color: OPI - Not Like the Movies
Occasion: Self-care and Birthday
April 2011

The nail polish itself looks kind of like an oil slick, with pretty greens and purples and silvers.  But in the picture, it looks more silver-purplish.  I was also a bit disappointed to realize as I was Googling the nail polish that it's part of some Katy Perry collection.  Meh, is how I feel about Katy Perry.  But at least the color is nice.

OPI - Not Like the Movies

It was nice to get that bit of pampering in the massage chair. It's the little bit of self care that I allow myself.

But my friend challenged me to think of work in a different way.  I'm trying to look for something that feels like a good fit, but I should probably look for something that will help me save up instead.

She, who is also the one who challenged me to this pescatarian/vegan diet, is now challenging me to apply to 15 jobs every week.  That means 60 jobs in 4 weeks.  Because at the end of the day, it's an numbers game.

So, like the oil slick color on my toes, I'm going to try to let the disappointments slide off me and keep moving on until I have a job that will help me pay the bills...for now.

Toesies of the Month - March 2011

Though you all know how much I try to stay true to my monthly self-care pedicure, I just couldn't swing it financially and time wise.

I did, however, make an appointment for a well-deserved and much-needed massage at Mind Your Body.  Waking up sore from my second session of boot camp, my body was just aching for some pampering and releasing of tension.

So, this month, instead of going to get a pedicure, I attempted to do my own pedicure.

I'm somewhat flexible, so I can reach my toes.  But for some reason, I have issues trying to reach my right foot.  I guess I'm more flexible on my left side than my right side, even though I'm right handed.

What I'm trying to say is that this month's pedicure was really just a polish change, and it's definitely not salon quality.  Definitely no fancy designs.

Naturally, this month being the month of St. Patrick's Day and the Spring Equinox, my toes HAVE to be green.

Luckily, I got a present from my *sparkly* friend in the form of a deliciously green and sparkly nail polish.

Nails by Me!
Color: Zoya - Ivanka (Thanks Samantha!)
Occasion: St. Paddy's and Spring!
March 2011

I had several things on my plate today.  So, I had the pleasure of planning 2 Greenie outfits!

My day outfit was casual, with a cute top I got in Greece, jeans, and flats.  I brought my coat thinking it might still be a bit chilly, but today was gorgeous!  So warm (high 50's...I know.......I know.....)!

My night outfit needed to be a bit more dressy, as I was volunteering at a nonprofit event.  The dress had a dark green trim and I wore a green tank underneath.  I also donned some green glitter on my eyes and a BIG white rose with green feathers.  Naturally, I had to show off my toes, not caring if it might get colder by the time I go home.  I had to show off my toesies today.

As I rode home on the T (Green Line naturally) from the event, surrounded by other folks wearing my color, I had to say that I was proud that I wasn't some poser.  Most of my outfits are green, and it's been that way since I was able to choose my clothes.

I worried a little bit about being associated with some of the drunken idiots that were riding alongside me.  But I was dressed relatively normally, whereas the others were sporting green wigs, green bead necklaces, green clover hair clips, and a specific-shade-of-green shirt.

The rest of them used the color and the holiday as a reason to drink a little more than usual.  I had the commitment to my color, and had an amazing day without a drop of alcohol.

But now it's time to rest these toesies under my green blanket.

Lent Challenge 2011 - Limiting Choices

So, I hadn't really given Lent too much thought.  It kind of crept up on me.

I kind of figured that I wouldn't do anything since I couldn't think about it in time.

But then a friend offered up a challenge.

Though she's not Catholic, she's planning to reinvigorate her health by going temporarily pescatarian and vegan.  She challenged me to join her during Lent.  This means no meat (except fish), no eggs, no dairy, no chocolate.

I said, "Excusemewhat?"

No meat, no eggs, no dairy, no chocolate.  Whole grains (duh), potatoes, ketchup, wine, and beer (but not enough to feel the effects strongly) are all acceptable.

I'll be honest, this just sounds like torture.  I've never really felt like going vegan is a choice I can make.  My thumbs basically give me permission to eat you.

I kill you with my thumb...

But let me back up a bit.  Here's some things we talked about.

I questioned, "What if I only have 70 or 80% dark chocolate?"  She said I could modify it how I need to.  But she's going to go for no chocolate.  Truth is, I don't really eat that much chocolate.  I like hot cocoa (but mainly the Swiss Miss mix and hot water), and if we have chocolate in the house I will eat it.  So, no chocolate in the house usually means I don't snack on it.

But...chocolate, especially dark chocolate, has some delicious antioxidants and produces happy feelings. 

The dairy didn't seem like the biggest issue, since I usually drink soy milk.  But butter, cream cheese, cheese...CHEESE...these are things that are staples in my diet.  There's also Greek yogurt, which is a pretty healthy addition to any diet.  I know that soy products and a lot of the dark leafy greens have calcium and iron, so I'm not too worried about nutrients.

But...cheese, in moderation and variety, and yogurt are a great source of enzymes and live cultures that our bodies need to function smoothly.

The meat actually isn't too difficult.  I don't usually eat too much beef, except for the occasional (maybe once or twice a month?) hamburger.  When eating out, I will usually opt for fish, veggie, or chicken.  But pork is pretty much a staple in any Filipino diet.  In fact, I had just made a pot of sinigang when she suggested the challenge to me.  So, I'm going to miss bacon every couple of weekends, and I can't make a hamich when there's nothing else in our fridge.

But...there is something to be said about having unprocessed meat from "happy" animals.  Having just finished The Omnivores Dilemma and having friends who chose not to eat meat that wasn't from a local farm, I definitely believe that the most natural, unprocessed, unfrozen meat is the most delicious.

Valuable read!

The eggs might be a problem.  I love omelets, I love crepes, I love pancakes, I love pastries.  I understand how all those things sound super unhealthy, but it's not that I eat all these things every day.  But so many things have eggs (as well as dairy) in their ingredients, that I am really most concerned about staying true to this.

But...I don't really feel like eggs in moderation are that bad for you.  They're a good source of protein, and even a little bit of cholesterol is good for you.

When my friend was talking to me about the benefits of the diet, I brought up a lot of my concerns.  Her argument for it is that you become really conscious of the cravings that you usually get, it makes you stay away from extremely processed foods, and you can get really creative with your meals instead of sticking with familiar foods.

I can appreciate getting creative with foods, especially after having experienced picking up a box of fruits and veggies from our CSA.  I can also appreciate being conscious about what your put in your body and what you want to put in your body, especially considering that I try to focus a lot of organic foods.  I can definitely appreciate staying away from extremely processed foods, though I can name some of the foods we currently have in the house that are quite processed.

Here are my concerns:

• Theoretically, I could eat all the "right" things, but I could fry every single one of them and it would be acceptable.  
• Brunch, my favorite meal, is pure evil.  
• I feel like her reasons for starting this diet are different from my reasons for wanting to lose weight.  
• Living with the boyfriend and sharing foods have made it easy on my wallet, and this diet is going to cost me money that I don't have.
• Lastly, I feel like deprivation is not the correct way to diet.  In fact, the idea of deprivation makes me angry.  Extremely angry.  So angry that I'm trying my best not to be angry at my friend who's challenging me to this diet.  I love her, and I value her friendship so much.  But deprivation makes me angry.

My issues with food is mainly about portion control.  Those big plates are deceiving, and I will fill it up to the edges if I have the opportunity.  So, what if I just ate less of what I usually eat?  Isn't that a good choice?

Unfortunately, that's not the challenged she's offered to me.

Really, my biggest concern is the cost and the time I will use to buy and use extra ingredients that I can eat in the next 6 weeks.

So, I agreed to the challenge with the chocolate modification.  We talked on Thursday, March 10th, and I started on Friday, March 11th.

The last day of Lent before Easter Sunday is my birthday.  So, I'm sorry Lent, but my birthday takes precedence over you.

There will definitely be follow up on this.

Pushing Past the Clouds to the Dreams

There's been a lot of talk around me lately about following dreams, living dreams, and making dreams come true.

I'm not talking in the romantic fairy tale sense.  But about really pushing through with your goals and making things happen.

Earlier this week, I was listening to a teleconference call about this very subject.  The speaker, Marcia Wieder, spoke about living with intention and purpose.  She encouraged us to do what we love, value our gifts, charge what we're worth, talk about our dreams out loud to as many people as possible, and repeat these steps often.

I've been pondering this for the past couple of days.

I had to kind of take a step back, and realized that I'm just all over the place.  I'm conflicted with pursuing my passions and with the need to make a living for the purposes of surviving.

Being unemployed has really given me time to think a lot about what kind of nonprofit I'd like to open up one day.  But, I'm finding that it is difficult for me to follow through on it because I feel like it everything costs money.  Money that I don't have.

But I'm going to tell you all my dreams anyway.

I dream of opening up a skill-share studio and wellness center, but it will cost money to rent or lease a space, plus utilities, marketing, etc.

I dream of becoming a sex educator, but I need money up-front to pay for a certification course.

I dream to combine my passions, because why the hell can't I?  I can lead the sexual health portion of the wellness center, and be contracted to go out and teach sessions.  Eventually, I would want to open up the center to a youth program where the youth get to work on their creative endeavors as well as share them with others.

The only dream I've had that doesn't cost money is to work on a sex ed web-comic (but with an actual story and snippets of educational information).  But, I keep holding myself back on this one because I feel like I need to figure out how I want the comic to look.

Aside from the money, I know I have a lot of fears.  There were a lot of "but's" in those statements above.  Though, I do feel like it's mainly the money.

I fear the usual things - failure, making tons of mistakes.  But then I'm also nervous about not being "expert" enough in whatever I'm doing.  Though, clearly no one is an expert when they begin any endeavor.

I fear that I'm just a nobody.  No one knows who I am, so there isn't a name or reputation to back me up.  However, I know that while relationships with the community are important, I am a master at building relationships.  More importantly, people want to be satisfied by their experience, and practitioners and teachers want to feel like they have a stake in their space.

I fear doing it all alone.  I feel like I need to have a team behind me - almost like if others are behind me then I've been given an "ok."  I do wish that I could have other folks who would be willing to invest in a space with me.  But this is MY dream, one which will hopefully help others' dreams.  But it starts at MINE. 

So, there.  I've laid it out.

I've been working on a business plan, and I'm hoping to attend some workshops on how to keep building my plan.  While it's been really difficult to save money, I want to look into getting a business loan.  I'm attending several networking events, and I plan on talking about my ideas and dreams as well as what I love to do.

I don't want to just let these ideas fall by the wayside.  It might not happen tomorrow.  I but I will make it happen.  I know it.

All images are from workisnotajob.com
Please check them out for your daily inspiration.

Mermaid with a Cold and Nightmares

Well, I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.  But this mermaid got sick!

I know I didn't protect myself from a the windy coldness last Saturday, and I made myself extremely vulnerable by sleeping late.

I have a stuffy head, running nose, and soon-to-be sore throat.  But, I've also had the opportunity to work at this after school program during this February vacation week.  I'm not too worried about giving my cold to any of the kids, because they really probably have better immune systems than I do.

But at night time, I've been getting extremely warm.  So warm that I feel like my brain does a lot of spinning around.

The first night, I thought a lot about how my body was exuding all this heat because I let too much coldness in.  I'm pretty sure I started blabbering to the boyfriend in my sleepiness.

And last night, I had two nightmares, which I haven't had in a long time.

The first nightmare involved me hiding under some church pews or a table of some sort.  While other people were pretending that there was nothing to hide from, I saw this demon-looking creature fly around above the heads of the seated folks.  Suddenly, it spotted me.  It's cold eyes stared at me.  Then, it swooped down at me.  I woke up.

The second nightmare started off with me out shopping.  I was in a store, when a bell or an alarm started ringing.  All the women were directed to another section of the store, almost like it was standard procedure.  They asked us to sit down and put our heads in our laps.  The room got dark, and this fog entered the room.  I remembered that the place was haunted by a little girl, and I assumed that this was some ritual for the little girl to choose someone.  Choose someone for what, I have no idea.  I could feel the little girl ghost approach me.  I then felt the eerie chill of her little fingers walking down my spine.  I woke up.

I felt this fear grip me when I awoke.  I suddenly started thinking about whether being sick makes one really attune to the spirit world, and perhaps I became clairvoyant in my illness.  My back was facing the bedroom door, and I was certain that the little girl ghost was there.  I had to really change my thinking around just to convince myself that it was okay to move just to reach out to touch the boyfriend.

It was frightening, but in the light of day I know how silly it sounds.

I am definitely planning on taking some Theraflu tonight before heading to bed!

Hearing on Sex Education at City Hall

On Tuesday, February 15th, Boston's City Council held a hearing on the state of sex education in the Boston Public Schools.

This hearing came about because the Hyde Square Task Force and their youth organizers created a documentary about the scarcity of comprehensive sex education and its consequences.

Students are asking for better, more comprehensive sex education, which includes conversations about healthy relationships, STI's, and peer pressure.  They are also asking for more availability of condoms at high schools.

In my social work experience, I've had the pleasure of being able to visit the State House quite often for various reasons, but this was the first time I had attended a hearing in City Hall.  The room was packed!  They needed to start filtering people into other rooms that had televisions so that they could still watch what was happening.

The big players were all at this event - Boston Public Schools, Boston Public Health Commission, Planned Parenthood, NARAL Pro-Choice, Massachusetts Alliance on teen Pregnancy, and of course the Hyde Square Task Force and student representatives from various youth organizations.

But there were also representatives who agreed on the availability of comprehensive sex education with a strong emphasis on abstinence and disagreed about the availability of condoms for high school students.

City Councilor At-Large Ayanna Pressley was really a champion on this effort.  She asked the right questions to the various people who were testifying for and against the subject of the hearing.  It's great to see that the city is listening, especially when the strongest voices are those of the youth.

Many of those that disagreed with subject of hearing had the usual arguments.  One woman spoke about how sex education in schools undermined the testament in the Bible about honoring thy mother and thy father. But City Councilor Pressley reiterated previous testimonies that stated that while parents want to be the first resource for their kids, they don't often know how to broach the topic.

The first group who testified against the distribution of condoms was from Pure at Heart, based out of Harvard University.  They read statistics from countries around the world that showed that more condom availability means that more teens will just have sex.  They also stated that it would be wrong to recommend a product that is not 100% effective in preventing STI's.  Councilor Pressley then stated that their argument would be related to wearing a seatbelt -which is not 100% effective in preventing harm during a car accident.  The Pure at Heart representatives then started using drunk driving as an analogy to sex, which in all honesty, was pretty incorrect.

The one shocking testimony for me was from a medical doctor.  Though I couldn't hear too much of his arguments because he wasn't speaking too clearly into the microphone, he not only disagreed about the effectiveness of condoms (stating that they need to be used correctly to be the most effective, which begs the question, "How are people supposed to know how to use a condom without education?"), but also blamed the prevalence of teen sex on the lack of a strong two-parent home.

Truth be told, my eyes went wide at that comment.  I cautiously looked around at adults and kids in the room and questioned if anyone would take his comment personally.  While I agree about having positive adult male and female role models in everyone's life, it would be wrong to say that those positive adults can ONLY be parents.  How many of the people in the hearing come from single-parent households, but also have other positive adults in their lives?

Truth be told, it seemed that most of the people who disagreed with condom availability mainly spoke about how "kids don't know any better."  They talked about how having more condoms would mean that kids would want to try them out, but then not use them correctly and just pass all types of diseases to each other.

As someone who is a believer in youth empowerment, it was frustrating and disheartening to hear those arguments.  While the adults are ultimately the ones passing the laws, I really believe that the youth have the ability to make informed, educated opinions about very difficult topics.  They have to maneuver the murky waters of relationships, friendships, waking up to get to school on time, homework, work, and so many other things.  The fact that so many of them are able to do this is an achievement in an of itself, and the adults have to remember that.

I definitely agree that comprehensive sex education includes not only a conversation about anatomy and STI's, but about all prevention methods including abstinence, about healthy relationships and peer pressure, and about the ability to make a choice.

I connected with the Boston Public School representatives, and will hopefully get involved in a task force to further work on the creation of a comprehensive curriculum.

I really feel extremely passionate about this field, and am really feeling that this is where my path is leading me.  But, I don't want to wait around for an opportunity.  I really want to seize it.  I'm ready and willing, good, giving, and game.

Nonprofit Expo

I am extremely lucky to be surrounded by amazing, supportive people. So, even in all this unemployment, I can't ever get too down because my friends are so supportive.

Yesterday, one of my friends told me about a Nonprofit Expo at Boston University.  So, I prepared my resumes, put on a business casual outfit complete with my Gentle Souls heels.

Gentle Souls - Fortune Stella

Okay, well, I figured if I'm going to get used to heels, I better start walkin'.  But, I did pack some flats along as well.

So, I had already looked at the list of organizations that were planning on being at the Expo, and I knew that the majority of them weren't necessarily ones that I would apply to.  I also knew that most of the organizations would only be looking for internship or volunteer positions.

Nonetheless, I signed up for a couple of mailing lists, and picked up a ton of fliers and brochures.

Info, info, and more info.

When I would chat up one of the representatives of the different organizations, I would ask if they were hiring or just looking for interns or volunteers.  The majority of folks were definitely looking for volunteers.  However, there were some that mentioned and even had print-outs of some job positions.

I would ask them if they were looking for a specific amount of experience and education.  Weirdly, they would say that they were looking for someone who at least a Bachelors or were in the midst of getting their bachelors.  I then responded, "Well, I have a Masters in Social Work."

I got a lot of surprised faces.  A lot of people who said that I looked so young, so they assumed that I didn't have that much experience.

Even when I would outright tell them that I was a social worker/community organizer, they would try to hand me an internships.

I really don't think I look as young as one of the young ones.  But I appreciate the gesture.

Once I got home, I emailed the folks that I chatted with about specific positions they were offering so that I could have a leg up on the newbies. 

I hope the Expo is fruitful.