13 Til 30 - Intense Personal Stories

There are days that are tough.  Some days are tough because I'm so busy, running from one thing to the next, hopefully (but not usually) on time.  Some days are tough because I can't seem to cut a break, everything is falling out of my hands or no one is being particularly kind.

Then there are days that are emotionally and mentally exhausting, which then leads the body to feel physically drained.  Tuesday was one of those days.

I have been working with Partners in Sex Education to teach some sessions at a fancy suburban high school.  One this particular day, I was assigned to introduce guest speakers to some classrooms.  There were about 7 different classes in all, and 3 speakers assigned to a couple of them.

These guest speakers were all HIV+, and spoke to each of the classes about their experiences.  These speakers are powerhouses, in my opinion.  To be able to share to openly and honestly about their lives, and the hardships that they've had to face in order to get to where they are now.

But I realized after I left the final session that I was exhausted.  I though back, maybe I didn't get enough sleep?  After thinking about it a bit, and heading off to the after school, I realized that I was exhausted because of hearing all the personal stories.  Most of the stories, I had heard several times that day.

I just felt that all my energy was drained from me.  I felt sad, my head felt a weird pressure.  I was definitely nervous that my cold would get aggravated.  But once I identified what was wrong, it felt so much better.

I couldn't even imagine if I had chosen to be a clinical social worker instead of a macro social worker.  I would be emotionally drained every day, I think.

I give props to all my friends and colleagues who have chosen that path.  It is not an easy job, but I know a lot of great people who do it.

20 Til 30 - Closing Doors and Opening Windows

My time with my dream job is quickly coming to an end.  By quickly, I mean by the end of next week I will no longer be an employee of Planned Parenthood.

It's heartbreaking to say the least. 

It's lead me to really think about what else I want to do in the sexual health field.  I know I'm not going to give up in trying to find my niche.

Yet, I do feel like I have to go through a bit of a mourning period.  It's amazing that I was able to get this dream job, even though it didn't manifest the way I ultimately would have liked, before I reached 30.  I think it is awesome that I get to put such a big organization on my resume.  I think I'm incredibly lucky to have the connections that I've made through the organization.

But now that this door is about to close, I'm ready to see where the next door will take me. 

I am scared.  Scared it will lead me back into the desperation I felt when I was unemployed and stuck.  But I know I am lucky to be surrounded by so many supportive people who can help encourage me and give me feedback and give me ideas.

I'm anxious about this challenge, but I know I have the tools now.

The Women in Business Manifesto
found here:
http://www.womeninbusiness.com.au/

26 Til 30 - Weird and Awesome

Working with kids has so many amazing rewards. 

To see them learn, understand, and make changes in themselves and others helps to give me hope that the rest of humanity can catch up.

Today at work, I was in the midst of a club that I lead (which happens to be Rock Band club).  I thought it was appropriate to show my hair to those who haven't seen it.

One child, who has somewhat of an anger issue (which makes him pretty darn good at smacking those drums) but will still connect with me in a non-angry way, commented that he thought I was so weird for a Filipino.  I was so confused by his statement.  It seemed that he didn't think that any of his friends who were Filipino would do anything like dye their hair a crazy color.  At first, I questioned him.  What exactly did he mean by all of that?

He kept saying, "You're so weird! You're so weird!"

I responded, "Well, there's nothing wrong with being weird and different."

But then he said, "I'm not being mean.  I mean, even though you're weird, you're still awesome."

....I legit nearly balled my eyes out.

Best. Complement. Ever.

28 Til 30 - Last Time to Lose My Cool

I've been out of school for almost 6 years now.  I've been in the working world and the unemployment world for 6 years now.

For the most part, I understand being professional in specific settings.  I like that my current jobs give me the freedom to dye my hair and have modestly hidden tattoos.

But this Monday, I almost had a legitimate shit fit at work.

We were scheduled for several trainings for an all-day professional development.  I didn't actually know what trainings we were going to be getting.

When I finally took a look at the agenda, I noticed that we were having a training on cyberbullying.  Suddenly, a wave of fear and anger rose up in me.  ANOTHER bullying training?  "Please, for all that's good and decent in this world, please don't let it be lead by the same woman who led that bogus bullying training from last summer...."

*cue flashback to bullying training in June 2011*

When I think of trainings, I expect to get some practical information that I can apply to my job.  Being that I was fairly new to working at an after school and summer camp, I knew I needed to learn how to work with kids in a non-social work setting.  So, I was initially looking forward to these trainings.

As the bullying training commenced, I was a bit confused as to why the trainer needed us to talk about our own experiences with bullying.  I didn't really think it was necessarily relevant in this professional setting.  From a social work perspective, a trainer wouldn't necessarily want to trigger anyone's unpleasant experiences by asking them to share how they were bullied or how they bullied others.

Then, the trainer started talking about how she was part of a group of bullies who made fun of a kid with body odor.  She then proceeded to justify her actions.  That's right.  She justified being a bully.

I don't remember her exact wording, but it was something along the lines of, "He should have known better!"

I know for a fact that I made a face.  Then I raised my hand and said something about blaming the victim for their actions.  She continued to justify her actions.

At that point, I shut down for the rest of the training.  I let it go, but I didn't realize how angry I was about it until the next day when I brought it up to a coworker.

*flashforward to March 2012, as we're about to head into a cyberbullying training*

I hoped beyond hope that the training would be lead by someone else.  I told my coworkers that I would legit walk out of the room if she was doing the training.  When I asked my supervisor just as we were about to head to the training, he confirmed my fears.

I nearly dropped to the floor in anguish.  I told him that I didn't think I could sit in another training with that woman.  I just didn't think I could do it without getting extremely angry.  I explained to him that the last training was the worst training I had ever been to, and that I just didn't think I could handle myself.

Basically, I lost my cool.

As we walked to the training, my supervisor encouraged me to stay positive, keep it professional, and give it a chance.  Just as he was finishing his encouragement, we got to the elevator and the trainer came from around the corner to join us for the elevator ride.

I tried my best not to run for it.  I just looked down, and held on firmly to my belongings.

Luckily, I remembered that I had several crystals in my purse.  So I reached for one of them to hold onto during the training.

If I was even luckier, she would have said something unbelievably horrifying and unprofessional and I would have thrown the crystal at her.

The truth is, she was lucky that she was basically delivering someone else's training, albeit crappily.  I was glad that I had my rock to meditate on when she was saying or doing things that I didn't necessarily agree with.

I think that, really, the most frustrating thing is that I know that I - well, any of my fellow group leaders, really - could have run the training so much better than her.  The fact that they had her deliver another training on bullying was frustrating and angering to most of us who feel that we deserve better training, or at least get paid to do the training ourselves.

I have yet to get into a real physical altercation.  But it nearly happened in these final days of my 20's.  I guess I can't rule it out completely yet.

I will fight you...with or without my hair-stache...

 

10 Day YOU Challenge - 1 Picture of Yourself

Well.

I promise that I haven't neglected this challenge.  Let's just say it's been a busy couple of days.  I will write all about it in the next day.  But for now, my picture will provide as a teaser.

The one picture I took of myself on October 10th at the
 Occupy Boston site at the Rose Kennedy Greenway.

If you haven't been keeping track of the news, it's time to Google "Occupy Wall St." and "Occupy Boston."

Get to it, and I'll tell you all about my first-person experience of that days events.

And Just Like That...I Am Employed!

Within the last week, I am happy to report that I was asked to join the after school program as a regular staff (20 hours a week), as well as being offered to supervise a first year MSW Intern (2 hours), as well as being offered to join Planned Parenthood as a sex educator (20 hours)!!!

I can't believe how all of this has suddenly presented itself in only the past month, though I've been waiting for these types of opportunities for over a year.

I literally had to cover my mouth to stop myself from yelling out loud on the phone, but I immediately started dancing around and shouting when I hung up.  The kitties came out from wherever they were napping with confused stares.

But I'm so extremely excited!

Things go into full swing on the 12th, so I imagine a bit of adjustment is going to need to happen for me.  But if I can push through a month of working almost every day of the week (June 2011), then I know I can push through this.  Especially since they will be things that I really want to do.

There's a part of me that is aware of how my point of view has shifted in the past year.  There's been a lot of disappointment and a lot of difficulties.  It's hard for me to go into anything fully without being a bit more cautious.

I don't know if it's that I've lost my sense of adventure and spontaneity, or if I'm just being cautiously optimistic.  Maybe a little of both?

Remember when I had to do the 15 Jobs a Week Challenge?  I think that though I ended up getting hired to do 1. a job I was already doing and 2. a job that showed up long after this challenge, the challenge helped to really get me practice in writing a cover letter and doing interviews.  But ultimately, I learned that while I was capable and experienced enough to do many of those jobs, I just didn't fit them and it wouldn't have been a good fit for me.

Now I've found some jobs that I do enjoy, even though it will take some time for me to adjust to it all.

Week of Advocacy

It turns out that I'm full of much more gumption than I thought I was.  In all this time, being unemployed can really make you feel at your lowest.

Apparently, according to different things people are hearing, employers aren't hiring those who aren't already working.  Which is a horrible way to go about business if you ask me.  It doesn't lessen the unemployment rates if the unemployed folks who are looking aren't getting hired.  In fact, it's ridiculous and counterproductive.

In turn, the fact that employers are following this trend makes me think that it would contribute to the lowering self-worth that us unemployed folks have felt.  "No one is hiring me, regardless of my skills because I'm not already part of the work force.  I must not be worth the chance."

Then, when an opportunity presents itself, one has to muster up whatever sort of positive energy they have to then project how amazing and awesome they actually are as a person and an employee.  But if you've been feeling so low for so long, this is easier said than done.

This past week, I've really had to do some quick turnaround in terms of my self-esteem.  Luckily, I've had a lot of people support me when I would tell them about what was going on in my job search.  Talking with some of them helped me remember that I had more options that I remembered.

workisnotajob.com

This past week, I really had the opportunity to put my macro social work skills into action by negotiating the terms of my employment, something I wouldn't have ever thought I could do while unemployed.

So, when it came to accepting the full-time temporary position at the after school/summer program, I wanted to make sure to ask about a slight pay increase after the full training.  My supervisor sent the request to HR, which means that he would support it.

Considering my education level, I know I could be paid much more than I was getting.  Just his willingness to consider it, regardless of whether I get a raise at all, had made it worth my asking.

Then, I had another interview scheduled.  Just because I have an idea of what's going on for me this summer definitely doesn't mean that I should rest on my laurels too much.  So, as it was clear that the interview was going relatively well, I asked about what time frame they were looking at. 

I let both of my interviewers know that I had agreed to work full time for the summer, and "I'm the kind of person who feels that when I start something, I finish it."  Both were impressed by my loyalty, and were extremely open to the idea of having someone start later than they both projected.  Again, even if they don't end up hiring me, it feels good to know that I stood up for myself and my schedule.

Remember a couple of posts back, when I was having some anxiety about my work schedule at City Hall?  I had the chance to talk face to face with my employer and future co-workers.  After filling out the necessary paperwork, I then had a chance to speak with the woman who's been trying to hire me. 

I let her know that while we had agreed on the month of June, that because I hadn't really heard about any final details that I had to make some plans.  Thus, I have a couple of weekends when I wouldn't be able to work.  However, I'm more than willing to come in on evenings during the week.

After a bit of balking, I realized that while they were a bit worried about the space in their office, they didn't necessarily know where and when people were in different locations.  I'm still going to be working on the weekends and some evenings, however I am also going in on Tuesday morning.  But I let them know that there were just several days that I couldn't do it.  It's just how it is.

You can't possibly expect that I've been sitting around twiddling my thumbs and not making plans.  At one point, they said that they were workaholics.  I get that, I really do.  But that's not the road I want to go down, and if they want to hire me I need to set a precedence for how I plan to work.

I'll work hard and earn my keep.  But I'll be damned if I let this get in the way of my self-care, my happiness, and my goals.

workisnotajob.com

So, as the weekend has arrived, I'm really happy to know that I have a group of people who have supported me through my continuing rough times.  And I'm extremely proud of myself for what I was able to advocate for.  That is, I advocated for me.

Getting Lost

Rock bottom is pretty sharp and painful.  As my bank accounts slowly reach dangerously low levels, my anxiety is getting higher.

Now, I'm nervous that it's starting to affect my job search endeavors.

Last Monday, I had an interview in a suburb of Boston, one that I would need a car to get to.  I ended up asking a friend first if he could just drive me, but he offered that I take the car myself.  Naturally, since I couldn't afford a Zipcar at the moment, I took the opportunity.

I put in $20 worth of gas the night before since the level was quite low.  In the morning, as I was working out, I saw that a tow truck pulled up on the block where I parked the car.  Just as I sprinted down the hill, I managed to get a $40 ticket.  At that point, I might as well have gotten a Zipcar.

Later that morning, I was ready to go to the job interview.  I plugged in my GPS and went on my merry way.  Unfortunately, when I got there, I found myself in front of a residence.  This didn't seem right.

I tried calling the women who was interviewing me, but she wouldn't pick up.  I realized I was in a neighboring town, so I checked my email and the woman said it was by "Cochichuit" street.  My GoogleMaps couldn't find that street.  After Googling it instead, I found it.  It was "Cochituate Rd."

As I proceeded in that direction, I was already fairly late.  I had left several messages, and the woman still had not picked up or called back.

I circled in a mall area, in another business' parking lot, and almost got back on the highway before finally finding the building.  As I pulled into the lot, the woman finally called me and wondered where I was.  I told her that I had tried calling and left multiple messages, but that I had gotten lost.

Not as dire...but just as disappointing...
and still keeping hope alive...

At this point, I was already 25 minutes late.  But I told her that I'd still like to go through the interview.

Goodness, if I was the person trying to hire someone, there's no way that I would hire the late person unless they were extremely amazing.  I felt like a hot mess.

Suffice it to say, I did not get the job.  Part of me is irritated since I had asked for directions from her and didn't get them until I was on the road.  Though, it really worked out for the best since I would have to make it to the office every day and go further west into Central Massachusetts to do some of my work.

Honestly, I feel like it just proved to me to stick within areas that I could easily reach via public transportation or even bicycling.

But it really made me think about all the jobs I've applied to.  Some I knew I was qualified for, some I knew I was over qualified for, some were definitely a reach.  But some were a reach because I knew it would be difficult for me to get there.

Still, I had to apply.  I definitely haven't been able to do 15 jobs a week since the first time.  But I'm still pushing through.  Hopefully, there will not be anymore getting lost.

Pushing Past the Clouds to the Dreams

There's been a lot of talk around me lately about following dreams, living dreams, and making dreams come true.

I'm not talking in the romantic fairy tale sense.  But about really pushing through with your goals and making things happen.

Earlier this week, I was listening to a teleconference call about this very subject.  The speaker, Marcia Wieder, spoke about living with intention and purpose.  She encouraged us to do what we love, value our gifts, charge what we're worth, talk about our dreams out loud to as many people as possible, and repeat these steps often.

I've been pondering this for the past couple of days.

I had to kind of take a step back, and realized that I'm just all over the place.  I'm conflicted with pursuing my passions and with the need to make a living for the purposes of surviving.

Being unemployed has really given me time to think a lot about what kind of nonprofit I'd like to open up one day.  But, I'm finding that it is difficult for me to follow through on it because I feel like it everything costs money.  Money that I don't have.

But I'm going to tell you all my dreams anyway.

I dream of opening up a skill-share studio and wellness center, but it will cost money to rent or lease a space, plus utilities, marketing, etc.

I dream of becoming a sex educator, but I need money up-front to pay for a certification course.

I dream to combine my passions, because why the hell can't I?  I can lead the sexual health portion of the wellness center, and be contracted to go out and teach sessions.  Eventually, I would want to open up the center to a youth program where the youth get to work on their creative endeavors as well as share them with others.

The only dream I've had that doesn't cost money is to work on a sex ed web-comic (but with an actual story and snippets of educational information).  But, I keep holding myself back on this one because I feel like I need to figure out how I want the comic to look.

Aside from the money, I know I have a lot of fears.  There were a lot of "but's" in those statements above.  Though, I do feel like it's mainly the money.

I fear the usual things - failure, making tons of mistakes.  But then I'm also nervous about not being "expert" enough in whatever I'm doing.  Though, clearly no one is an expert when they begin any endeavor.

I fear that I'm just a nobody.  No one knows who I am, so there isn't a name or reputation to back me up.  However, I know that while relationships with the community are important, I am a master at building relationships.  More importantly, people want to be satisfied by their experience, and practitioners and teachers want to feel like they have a stake in their space.

I fear doing it all alone.  I feel like I need to have a team behind me - almost like if others are behind me then I've been given an "ok."  I do wish that I could have other folks who would be willing to invest in a space with me.  But this is MY dream, one which will hopefully help others' dreams.  But it starts at MINE. 

So, there.  I've laid it out.

I've been working on a business plan, and I'm hoping to attend some workshops on how to keep building my plan.  While it's been really difficult to save money, I want to look into getting a business loan.  I'm attending several networking events, and I plan on talking about my ideas and dreams as well as what I love to do.

I don't want to just let these ideas fall by the wayside.  It might not happen tomorrow.  I but I will make it happen.  I know it.

All images are from workisnotajob.com
Please check them out for your daily inspiration.

Hearing on Sex Education at City Hall

On Tuesday, February 15th, Boston's City Council held a hearing on the state of sex education in the Boston Public Schools.

This hearing came about because the Hyde Square Task Force and their youth organizers created a documentary about the scarcity of comprehensive sex education and its consequences.

Students are asking for better, more comprehensive sex education, which includes conversations about healthy relationships, STI's, and peer pressure.  They are also asking for more availability of condoms at high schools.

In my social work experience, I've had the pleasure of being able to visit the State House quite often for various reasons, but this was the first time I had attended a hearing in City Hall.  The room was packed!  They needed to start filtering people into other rooms that had televisions so that they could still watch what was happening.

The big players were all at this event - Boston Public Schools, Boston Public Health Commission, Planned Parenthood, NARAL Pro-Choice, Massachusetts Alliance on teen Pregnancy, and of course the Hyde Square Task Force and student representatives from various youth organizations.

But there were also representatives who agreed on the availability of comprehensive sex education with a strong emphasis on abstinence and disagreed about the availability of condoms for high school students.

City Councilor At-Large Ayanna Pressley was really a champion on this effort.  She asked the right questions to the various people who were testifying for and against the subject of the hearing.  It's great to see that the city is listening, especially when the strongest voices are those of the youth.

Many of those that disagreed with subject of hearing had the usual arguments.  One woman spoke about how sex education in schools undermined the testament in the Bible about honoring thy mother and thy father. But City Councilor Pressley reiterated previous testimonies that stated that while parents want to be the first resource for their kids, they don't often know how to broach the topic.

The first group who testified against the distribution of condoms was from Pure at Heart, based out of Harvard University.  They read statistics from countries around the world that showed that more condom availability means that more teens will just have sex.  They also stated that it would be wrong to recommend a product that is not 100% effective in preventing STI's.  Councilor Pressley then stated that their argument would be related to wearing a seatbelt -which is not 100% effective in preventing harm during a car accident.  The Pure at Heart representatives then started using drunk driving as an analogy to sex, which in all honesty, was pretty incorrect.

The one shocking testimony for me was from a medical doctor.  Though I couldn't hear too much of his arguments because he wasn't speaking too clearly into the microphone, he not only disagreed about the effectiveness of condoms (stating that they need to be used correctly to be the most effective, which begs the question, "How are people supposed to know how to use a condom without education?"), but also blamed the prevalence of teen sex on the lack of a strong two-parent home.

Truth be told, my eyes went wide at that comment.  I cautiously looked around at adults and kids in the room and questioned if anyone would take his comment personally.  While I agree about having positive adult male and female role models in everyone's life, it would be wrong to say that those positive adults can ONLY be parents.  How many of the people in the hearing come from single-parent households, but also have other positive adults in their lives?

Truth be told, it seemed that most of the people who disagreed with condom availability mainly spoke about how "kids don't know any better."  They talked about how having more condoms would mean that kids would want to try them out, but then not use them correctly and just pass all types of diseases to each other.

As someone who is a believer in youth empowerment, it was frustrating and disheartening to hear those arguments.  While the adults are ultimately the ones passing the laws, I really believe that the youth have the ability to make informed, educated opinions about very difficult topics.  They have to maneuver the murky waters of relationships, friendships, waking up to get to school on time, homework, work, and so many other things.  The fact that so many of them are able to do this is an achievement in an of itself, and the adults have to remember that.

I definitely agree that comprehensive sex education includes not only a conversation about anatomy and STI's, but about all prevention methods including abstinence, about healthy relationships and peer pressure, and about the ability to make a choice.

I connected with the Boston Public School representatives, and will hopefully get involved in a task force to further work on the creation of a comprehensive curriculum.

I really feel extremely passionate about this field, and am really feeling that this is where my path is leading me.  But, I don't want to wait around for an opportunity.  I really want to seize it.  I'm ready and willing, good, giving, and game.

Epic MBTA Experience - A Process Recording From A Macro Social Worker

Wow.

I mean...wow.

As I type this, it's 1:22am, and I just need to get this somewhere outside of my brain before I can fall asleep.  Let me warn you that this is a long and detailed post.  But, I promise it's a worthwhile read.

So, today was an exciting day.  I was going out with friends to celebrate a wonderful woman's birthday.  There was even karaoke at the restaurant!  It was so much fun!

"Pick Up" Truck
On my way to the restaurant, I decided to take the 86 bus, which would take me there directly.  As I was waiting for the bus, a red truck stopped at the red light.  The passenger in the car rolled down his window (that's correct...it wasn't automated), so I thought that perhaps they needed directions.

Alas, he was trying to hit on me.  "Where are you going?"

Being me, I of course engaged.  I repeated that I was going out.  Trying to be cool, he said that they were going to South Station.  South Station?  Not impressive, sorry.

I just want to ask, does that really work?  The boyfriend says that it just needs to work once for it to be worth it.  But really?  Has that worked?

Lost Wallet
Well, the bus finally arrived, and I continued to listen to my music.  We arrive at the Harvard Square, a major hub for bus and subway transfers.

As people were leaving, I noticed that 1 man turned around to check if he left something.  He reached over to the seat in front of me and grabbed a wallet.  It wasn't his wallet.  There was a couple sitting in front of me.  I thought, "Oh man, that's the worst.  I'm glad he saw it and will give it back to the other guy."

I watched the man with the wallet get off the bus.  I watched him slowly walk towards the couple and their friends (who all looked like they were heading to dinner together).  I watched him hang back behind the group and put the wallet in his pocket.  Then they disappeared.

I must have had a look on my face because a woman who sat down in front of me turned around and smiled at me.  I couldn't believe I just saw that.  I felt horrible.  I felt like I could have done something.  But I assumed that he would return the wallet to its rightful owner.  I thought perhaps that he would do the "right thing."

And as the bus left the Harvard Square terminal, I thought about how difficult things must be for that man that he felt he could benefit from keeping that wallet.  I thought about how horrible that other man would feel once he realizes that his wallet fell out of his pocket.  I thought about how I will never put anything in my pockets ever again.

Last Straws of Anger
On my way home, I totally misjudged my timing.  I waited about 1 hour in the cold for the right bus to finally arrive.  I probably could have just taken a longer way and stayed more warm, but I stupidly opted for waiting longer to take the route that would lead to the least amount of walking.

So, I go from the 86 to the 66 to the B line in Allston.  I'm at the Harvard and Commonwealth Ave. stop, noticing that there are quite a number of people waiting so the T should be arriving soon.

Suddenly, I hear some commotion over my music.  I look to my right and I see a car stopped at a light, 2 guys and 3 girls.  One of the girls angrily walks past me, and I see that the driver has decided to get out of his car to give this girl a piece of his mind.  The friends try to hold the man back, pointing out that he was trying to hit a girl.

Now, I'm not really a fan of violence (though even I will admit that I can feel violent at times of extreme anger).  I'm definitely not a fan of domestic violence.  But if you're a person on the street trying to act tough and talking smack, you better be ready to continue your tough act regardless of your gender.

The angry man starts walking back to his car much to the delight of the people stuck behind him.  He starts reaching into his jacket, and I start thinking, "Oh my god, please don't have a gun...please don't have a gun..."  But he takes his jacket off and throws it in his SUV.  He starts walking back towards the group.  I notice that he has a cast on his left wrist.

I back away a bit, knowing that there wasn't any stopping this man.  I see the T coming down the tracks, and I worry that someone will get run over.  But the man starts to really get physical with the group.

At this point, I've got my phone out (which is quickly running out of battery from all the bus schedule checking I was doing in the cold) and am calling 911.

The two guys, one of whom puts his case of beer down on the ground, start pushing him back.  The man swings.  I don't know if he hit any of the guys.  One of the guys hits back.  The man falls back and hits his head on the ground.  He's still for maybe 10 seconds.  He gets up and is bleeding from his lip.  Blood is on the ground and on his shirt.

Meanwhile, the T has opened its doors and people are trying to get off the T, trying not to step on the man on the ground.  One woman stops to help him get up, and she sees people on the T laughing.  She gets angry at them and hits the window with her palm.  I let her know that I've called 911 and the police and ambulance is coming.

As I finish my phone call, all the people on the T are commenting.  "I'm going to be a witness because that lady hit the window."  "That man really busted his lip."  "Anything anyone says to that man would be 'smart.'"

I look at all these people and say, "Really?  Not the most appropriate thing to say...I mean, no one calls 911 anymore for anything.  If anyone's going to be a witness, I think I'd be more appropriate."

The sirens approach from all sides, police and paramedics together.  I tell the police that I called 911 and tell them what I saw.  I also tell them that the other people who were fighting the man (who finally moved his SUV out of the way) were on the T.  I told them 2 boys and 3 girls, one of the boys has a case of beer.

I overhear the T driver say, "UGH! What time is it?? I just want to move the train and get home!"

Some people leave the T just to walk.  But soon, the police let me know that I can get on the T, and they give the driver the okay to leave.  The group who was involved got off the T, so they didn't need my eyewitness report anymore.

On the ride up the hill, a mere 3 stops away, I retell the story to someone who didn't see a thing.  We joked about how he was able to catch the T because of the fight, and that he would retell the story as though he witnessed it.  I told him to say there was a unicorn involved as well.

At my stop, several girls walk behind me.  One of them says, "Is this really my life?"

At this point, I couldn't even believe what I heard.  I turned around and said, "No...it isn't.  It's that man's life, and you were luckily not involved."  We laughingly said goodnight and try not to get into any fights with angry people.

And here I am.
I feel like I could really go on.  I feel like I could insert an entire paper based on the ethnicities of the people involved in each of these stories.  But I'm leaving that information out because that's not what it's about.

But, here is this social worker's take on the 3 stories.

I joke about the guys who call out or try to talk to you from their car.  But when you really think about it, it's safe in their car.  They can hit on you and even if you reject them outright, they have to keep driving anyway.  They're in "control" of the situation, so it's the safest way to hit on girls - who, in the scheme of the dating world, often have more control of the situation (trust me on this, ladies. I can write a whole different post about this..and I just might).

I've already mentioned that I feel like if you consciously steal, you must really feel like it is your best option, what will benefit you right away.  I wonder how little financial control one must have to feel compelled to steal.  I feel horrible for the man who lost his wallet, and I hope that he was able to fix whatever he needed to fix to prevent more money from being stolen.  But, I do feel like it's a good thing to be a little more conscious of ones belongings no matter where you are.

I have so many thoughts about the final story.  It frustrates me that I was the only other person other than the T driver to call 911.  I know I wasn't the only person who witnessed this.  I know that one of the 5 people in the involved group could have called 911 before it escalated the way it did.

That man clearly needs to work a bit on his anger management.  But this was the final straw of the evening.  Whatever happened to him prior to this moment must have been so angering, so frustrating, that one little girl's snarky comment put him over the deep end.  He was even posturing and insisting that he could kick someone's ass as the police stood in front of him.  There was nothing more for him to lose.

It's fascinating to me how people on the T assumed so many things about the people involved when they hadn't witnessed a thing.  And for the girls at the end to turn it into something that "happened to them," I don't know.  It makes me wonder a lot about the selfishness of their age and their generation.  It makes me think about what I would have done and said if I was in my early 20's.

When I was in my early 20's, and I saw something strange or not safe, I called 911.  I knew that I'm not a hero, but that things can easily escalate if the proper officials weren't notified.  People think it's not their business, so why get involved?  But I say, people sometimes need to act to prevent it from becoming their business.

Finally, I just want to say that I just happened to be a witness to these things, and I'm writing my observations.  These things definitely didn't "happen to me."  But I don't mind being the stories conduit to others.

Searching For a Starting Point

So, I haven't really talked about this too much in this blog.  But all this time being unemployed has given me time to work on my own dreams.

However, I'm running into a major road block:  my dream isn't specific enough.

Here's the gist.  I've always wanted to open my own nonprofit.  The idea has changed throughout the years, though.  Originally, I wanted something focused on child abuse prevention.  Then I started thinking about music and arts programs.  Then I started thinking about sex education.  Then it turned into a studio for dance and creative expression focused on self care.

Now, I feel like it would be neat to have a center for dance, yoga, massage, body work, and sexual health information.

I feel like it would be wonderful to have a space where people can explore creativity and self care while learning more about pleasure in all its forms.

But I have so many doubts that come to mind as I sit around working on a business plan.  I'm no dance teacher or yogini.  I feel like I don't have any specific expertise that would give me much credibility for opening anything up.  I feel like if I were to open up a studio, I would need to go out there and do the work of teaching and getting my name out there.

I know I can't do it on my own.

One of the big questions that's weighing on me is, "What do I have to bring to anything?"  I have some sex ed background, but not enough that I can open up my own agency.  I've taken dance classes for about 9 years, but I'm not a teacher.

I've had to think a lot about trying to start small.  But I don't know really what that looks like.

I've gathered a small group of people to help me organize my thoughts.  But we need to produce something, which would help us start getting our name out there.

I'm wanting to organize an event that would showcase a variety of performers who are just getting their art or their name out to the public.  The hope is that these folks get to explore their art and share it with others.  At the same time, the event would have some information about a sexual health issue.

But maybe I need to think smaller?

Maybe I need to stop doubting myself first?

Plans for Unemployment

In a couple of weeks, I will be officially 1 year into unemployment.   I will then have to try to reapply for unemployment if I am still unemployed.

There's really quite a chance that I will still be unemployed in the beginning of October.

In recent news, however, I had a great first interview last Wednesday!  I felt extremely confident during and after the interview.  It is a part time and temporary position, though, and I'm nervous about what will happen if I am suddenly offered a great job opportunity with benefits while I am still substituting. 

I have another job interview for a full-time position this Wednesday, and I'm feeling very confident about this job as well.  I do finally feel like things are starting to happen, and I'm very happy about that.

All this time has really taught me that I need to keep busy.  I really should have been trying to do more in my side job in the past year, but now I'm trying my best to build it up.

I'm also realizing that while I have been unemployed, I have also been very busy.  With all the dancing, shows, parties, gatherings with friends, I've really had a lot on my calendar.  It's both exciting and fascinating to know that there's so much happening, and it makes me feel like a more useful human being.

My Arsenal of Time Management

So, I am now making a point to start "working" my time as though I am employed.  In a way, it's a "fake it til you make it" stance, though I am honestly filling up my calendar quite consistently.  I'm going to start using my calendar to make to-do lists for every day, and that list will include items for my side job as well as looking for and applying to jobs.

Okay, ready?  Let's go!

New School Year...But Not for Me

Last week, Boston Public School started it's 2010-2011 School Year.

I'd be a fool if I didn't have any feelings associated with the new year.  At this time, I would know who all the new teachers are and preparing them for the year ahead.  We would probably be welcoming in a new group of Interns, sending them across the city on an agency scavenger hunt.  I would be struggling to learn a new group of names.
I was walking around my neighborhood sometime last week, and that included going in front of the school.  In that walk, I saw several kids and parents who recognized me immediately.  Though social work rules state that you can't necessarily acknowledge your past clients, it's difficult to do so when they acknowledge you first.  Plus, depending on the work you do and who you do work with, it could be mighty rude to not even make eye contact.

The kids who saw me greeted me with a look of surprise.  I just ask them how things are going, and they casually brush it off like it's nothing.  One student I saw told me that she's at a different school, but that she is still remembering how fun it was to do a skit for a younger class.  I encouraged her to keep looking for opportunities like that, even if they're not called "leadership projects."  She just needs to learn which teachers will help her accomplish things, but she already knows how to get through projects.

I walked away feeling...nostalgic and happy and sad.  I miss working with kids.  I miss being around kid energy.

But, there are changes on the horizon.  I finally have a job interview on Wednesday.  It's for a part-time and temporary position, but it's at a school where I would be running groups.  I'm excited that finally something has popped up, and I'm hoping it means more will be on its way.

Unemployment Woes

Tomorrow is the first day of September.  Around this time last year, my boss and I were horribly heart-broken about the loss of our high school program, and we were trying to figure out how we would change the entire organization to work with what we had left.

Though I was unemployed by October, I kept on going.  It was foolish, idealistic, and wrongly optimistic.  But I don't regret sticking around.  The stress was balanced by an amazing group of interns who kept us on our toes and who kept us laughing.

But now, it's almost been a year.  I'm still unemployed.  If I were being practical, I probably would have really sought out paid employment while I was still "contracted."  I should have really tried to go all out on my side job, but I honestly chickened out on that opportunity.

I know it was extremely frustrating for the boyfriend, who then found himself unemployed in December.  We were both struggling, but I continued to work for practically nothing.  I was frustrated at him because I felt that I was giving my job my all, and he didn't understand the passion I had for the work.

After my job was officially over in June, I still had faith that something would come my way.  I still have faith that something will come my way.  But I have to say that I'm officially frustrated with my situation.

I don't really enjoy living off unemployment.  I can barely make ends meet while trying to enjoy myself.  I don't want to be on unemployment anymore.

I've applied to so many different jobs and so many organizations.  Am I just not qualified?  Am I overqualified?  Is it not the right fit?  I guess if it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be.  But I haven't even had a single job interview.  Maybe I'm just not good on paper?  I don't know anymore.

I'm sure that my own actions have played a part in this.  I've sought out specific types of jobs in certain organizations, and have barely looked outside of Boston.

Part of my original plan was to keep looking in Boston, but if nothing came up by this time then I would start looking in Los Angeles.  But I'm still not ready to do so.  At this point, the boyfriend has applied to grad school in Boston, and I want to be able to support that.

But I'm still not giving up hope.

The other day, the boyfriend and I were chatting about my frustrations.  He told me how frustrated he had been all year with my actions.  But he also told me that he sees the way kids light up when they see me in the neighborhood.  He said that by not working right now, I am almost denying that joy to other kids.

I really had to think about that.

What he said gave me some renewed hope.  I realized that I was looking for a very specific job, and would turn away others that weren't as interesting.  But I'm trying to up my game and look beyond what I think I might want.  Also, nothing is necessarily permanent.  People change jobs all the time.  But I have to let go of some of my stubbornness and open my eyes a bit more.

Working hard to find work...

Moral Lessons Outside My Office Door

Being that our office at work is somewhat centrally located, we get a lot of strange experiences.

We also have a window that overlooks the gym, and that often leads to random people entering our office - usually without asking - just to look in the window.  "I'm just checking to see if my kids are there."  "I'm just looking for this one teacher."  But never, "Excuse me, is it alright if I look through the window really quick?"

The other day, I was placing something in a mailbox, and I made the mistake of leaving our office door open.  As I turned around, a teacher peeks to see if someone's in the office and walks right in.

"Umm..excuse me??" I asked to no avail.  The teacher looks into the window and say, "I'm just making sure my kids are all there."  Then he walked out.  I don't even talk to this man.  He's not even a teacher in the school we're part of, but of the school we share the building with.

If I were to do that in that man's office, I'd be yelled at.

Then, there are the random things you'll hear in the hallway.

In previous years, one of my coworkers overheard the principal telling kids that she was sent there by god to be the principal.  I mean, don't get me wrong.  I understand the whole "I have a calling" thing, I really do.  But how appropriate is it, really, to tell kids that in a public school system?

Sometimes, it's teachers yelling at little kids about ridiculous things.  Yes, there's yelling.  People don't want to believe that their kids are getting yelled at even though they're in the 1st grade.  But it happens.  And usually about stupid things like staying in a straight line, or fidgeting, or crying about something.

I forget that we're training the kids to be soldiers.  Wait...we're not?  Well, YOU tell the teachers that.  I don't want to get yelled at.

Sometimes, it's teachers sharing their bit of wisdom to little perplexed kids.  I just overheard a teacher asking their Kindergartener what they would do if they saw money on the ground.  The kid first said they would leave it alone, but then they realized that they would pick it up.  After being asked why, the kid said that they would be able to buy stuff with it.  But the teacher decided that the moral lesson of the day was that they should give it to any adult who's nearby, because it might be theirs.

Personally, while I think it would be good to look around and to see if someone nearby might have dropped some money or even to ask a cashier if it's near the register, there's something to be said about not feeling guilty for finding and keeping something someone lost.  Really, that child would probably give the money to their parent anyway, seeing that he probably won't be going on random mall trips by himself.

If a child approached you and asked if that dollar bill (of whatever amount) was yours, what would you do?  If that child was yours and they picked up a dollar bill (of whatever amount), would you want to find it's rightful owner?

Tempting, eh?

Now, let me tell you a little story.

When I was younger, my parents taught me never to pick up anything off the ground.  Nothing.  It's dirty, who knows where it came from, blah blah blah.  Then one day, after walking out of church, I was with my uncle and there was a $20 bill on the ground.  Now, I was told not to pick up anything off the ground.  So I didn't.  But when my uncle caught sight of it, some other adult reached for it and claimed it as their own.  I was reprimanded for not picking it up. 

So, if I'm going to take away any lesson from being part of an outside agency in a public school setting, it's that you should make sure to check your morals before going around and sharing them with other people's children.

Gripping the Grass Roots - Macro Termination (Part 2 with the Students)

*Sigh*

This was some of the most touching and most difficult interactions I've had.  As someone who feels more connected to the kids than some of the adults, it's been such a wonderful time working with some of the most amazing students.

Though we've historically been at a high school and K-8 school, I've had much more of a connection with the middle school kids.  If you asked me maybe 5 years ago if I would enjoy working with middle school kids, I would have laughed and said, "Those little brats?  They're monsters!"

Now I would say, "Those little bratty monsters?  I love them!"

Raise your hand if you hated middle school.  *Raises hand*

Okay, I didn't hate middle school.  In fact, I don't want to forget about my middle school experience or pretend it didn't happen.  But, goodness, I know it was not my favorite time growing up.  High school was a much better experience for me, personally.

But working with these kids for the past 5 years has really opened my eyes.  Adolescence is a rough age. The least I could do is make it slightly less painful for a couple of kids.  It's really a pity that there are very few middle school-focused programs and no funding to back it up, but it's clearly an under-served population.

So, when I distributed the newsletter, I knew that there were some students that I would need to personally speak with.  Mainly, I knew that the majority of 7th and 8th graders wouldn't even see the newsletter.

My boss had already started telling students she was seeing individually, and one in particular was having a very difficult time dealing with it.  This particular student, who was already fairly attached to the people in the program, proceeded to start throwing things around the office - not really maliciously, but more just for the sake of throwing things.  I'm sure he'll be acting out til the very end.  And in the very end, we'll be worried about whether he'll be able to make it without someone really advocating for him.

Another student that was seen individually by our interns seemed to take the news in stride.  He had read the newsletter, and almost anticipated my coming to check in with him.  I reassured him that he would do great as an 8th grader, especially considering that he knew how to look for help (though sometimes that will look more like acting out).

One student that I knew I had to speak with was the leader of this krumping group.  They had performed at our show, and we have really stepped up to continue supporting them.  Originally, this group was formed as a response to a leadership project.  The original leader wanted to raise money for gym and art supplies, and the one way he knew how to raise money was by doing shows.  Thus, the school's krumping group was born (I wish I could tell you what their name was....it's hilarious!  But, if anyone Googled it, they'd be lead to my blog...not good).

The current leader of the group is an absolute sweetheart, though he gets frustrated at the immaturity of the other team members.  But it's clear that he just wants they to do well, but that he's heard too much negativity from others around him.

When I pulled him out of his class to speak to him, I seriously felt like I was about to break up with the kid!  So inappropriate, I know!  But here's how the conversation went:

Me:  Hey *student*, so did you see our newsletter?
Student:  No.
Me:  Well, your homeroom teacher probably has it, so you should ask for it if you get the chance.  It has some news on it that we announced to the whole school.
Student:  Oh, okay.  I'll ask him for one later.
Me:  So, even though it's on the newsletter, I wanted to talk to you about it personally.
Student:  Oh.  What's going on?
Me:  Well...umm...so.....next year, *organization* isn't going to be here at the *school*.
Student:  (Whole affect changes, eyes seeming to glaze a bit) Oh...Why??
Me:  Well, do you know how the Boston Public Schools are all losing money?  Well, that's basically the same thing.  It's budget stuff.
Student:  Oh...that's so discouraging. (This is a 7th grader, by the way.  Discouraging?? Oy....)
Me:  But you know, even though we're not going to be here, I don't want you guys to give up.  I mean, you've all come a really long way, and I'm sure there will be other adults in the school who are willing to give you guys a chance.  But you have to show them the awesomeness that we see all the time.  They only see a little part of you guys.  Show them what we see.
Student:  Alright.
Me:  So, will you tell the other guys?  And I'm serious! You guys are going to be fine next year!
Student:  Okay, Cecilia.  Thank you.

*tear* I love that kid.

Later that day, I was looking for one of the adults to speak with her about our leaving.  As I peeked into the cafeteria, a couple of 4th graders shouted to me, "Are you leaving??"  I honestly have no idea who those kids are.  I've seen them before, and I might have stepped into their classes in previous years to deliver newsletters or to talk about student council stuff or they've seen me do stuff for the talent show.  But I have no idea really who they are.

After two of them proceeded to hug me and say they'll miss me (I mean...how cute is that?), one of them follows me out of the cafeteria and asks me:

4th grader:  What are you going to do now?
Me:  Well, I'm going to look for another job that I like to do.
4th grader:  Well...what did you want to be when you grew up?
Me:  Hmm...well, I wanted to help people.
4th grader:  Oh...you're doing that now!
Me:  (trying to hold back the tears) Ya...well, I hope I get to do some more of this stuff somewhere else.

I then turned the conversation back on what she wanted to be when she grows up.  But man, can you believe that?  It's honestly mind-blowing how amazing these kids can be.  If only we took the time to actually sit there and listen to them or give them an opportunity to shine.

I wish I could show you in more detail how awesome these kids are.

I sincerely hope that the middle school will have some sort of support services available to them.  They need all the help they can get.  I also hope that we've been able to give the students the tools to be able to look for help when they need it.

Gripping the Grass Roots - Macro Termination (Part 1 With Adults)

Let me start by saying that this was late in happening.  The process has definitely been interesting to say the least.

In the beginning of June, we finally announced to the school community that our program was not returning to the school in the next school year due to budgeting constraints.

Here is our farewell in our newsletter (obviously with names and locations omitted):

With a heavy heart, we regret to announce to the *school* Community that, due to budget constraints, the *organization's* program at the *school* will not be returning in the 2010-2011 school year.

In the past 12 years, we have worked throughout the school, with classrooms and with parents, and have built a dynamic leadership program for the middle school.  But we could not have done it with out the support of the *school* community.

It has been an absolute pleasure working with the *school* Faculty, Administration, Staff, and Parents, as well as interacting daily with *neighboring school* and *community center* Staff.  We have been blessed all these years to be part of such a talented, dedicated, and ever-inspiring community.

Though we will surely miss working with you all, we are certain that the school will continue to grow and strengthen  because of the community you all have created for yourselves.

Thank you for everything.

Sincerely,
My boss and me.

Truth be told, that was one of the most difficult letters I've had to write.  It was all heart-felt, but putting it down made it so very real.  But, we knew it was coming for a while.  We had hidden the news from our Interns, which pained us, because we didn't want them to worry or stress out about us.  So, for any Interns reading this now, I'm sorry.  But doesn't it explain why I got so tearful when you all left?

Though we usually distribute our newsletter to each classroom, I knew that I needed to personally deliver the newsletter to several people.  This became more clear when I arrived at work the next day.

I had distributed the newsletters to the classrooms at the end of the day on Monday, and when I arrived Tuesday morning, the previous principal who retired at the end of last year was in the Main Office.  She was mainly responsible for our existence in the school this year, and for that I'm eternally grateful.  I knew I had to give her a copy of the newsletter, if only for old times sake.

It took a lot of maneuvering!  I felt like I was lurking (for old times sake) just to get her attention and to have a moment with her.

Let me backtrack.  This principal is a force to be reckoned with.  She was downright frightening to people.  People would shiver with fear at needed to speak with her, and I've seen many people cry after receiving harsh words from her.  But really, she just wanted you to be direct and not bs her.  Luckily, she considered my boss her personal consultant, and checked in with her frequently.  Lucky for me, she liked me.

So much so, that one day, after a really stressful conversation with a parent about her child performing in the Talent Show, I proceeded to start sobbing in her office.  IN HER OFFICE!!!  Weeks ago, another teacher teared up in her office, and she sent her home to "seek help."  Yipes!  I thought, "Crap..I'm so dead.  I'm so fired!  I cried in her office, on her desk!"  But after the problem was solved, she looked at me at the end of the day and said, "It's nothing to cry over! I'll deal with that parent."

Two years later, as she reads over the newsletter I hand to her, she sits herself down and repeats, "But what's going to happen to *organization*?  What's going to happen?" 

But it was clear that she wanted to reconnect with us when she comes to visit again in a week.

There were 3 other adults in the school that I knew I needed to connect with because they didn't necessarily get the newsletter in their hand right away.

One was a "lunch mother," as they're called.  There's no other way to say this, but she's somewhat emotionally fragile.  I'm not really sure why she latched on to me, but she did.  She seemed extremely sensitive to whatever seemed to be going on with me, so I really needed to make sure that my facial emotions were in check.  While she was well-intentioned, she definitely needed to understand the idea of boundaries.

I tried to catch her that Tuesday, but of course I kept missing her.  The next day she says when she sees me, "When were you going to tell me?"  Reassuring her that my leaving is not a personal affront to her (but not in those words), I told her that I was trying to get to her the other day, but she disappeared when I returned to hand her a newsletter.  So, every day this past week, she's come to check in with me, making sure that I'm okay.  She is also wanting to make sure that we will keep in touch.  I've given her my work email, but I know that building anything more than that will just cause more of a boundary issue.

The other two were paraprofessionals that I connected with when I first began as an Intern.  One is like a mother to me.  We would connect about America's Next Top Model, weight loss, and just life in general.  The other is like a hilarious older cousin with a dirty dirty mouth.  She's so inappropriate, I kind of try to balance her out, but there are days when she's a decent human being.

These are two people that I would want to keep in touch with even after I leave.  In the world of social work, this is generally a big no-no.  Giving out emails or phone numbers is something you definitely don't want to do with clients.  But, as I'm not a clinician and our program has really become part of the community, some of the rules have to be bent with our discretion.

So this is just my conversation with the adults.  I'm going to miss a lot of them, and some of them I will definitely not miss.  But they've all really taught me a lot and have really helped me built my experiences in the 5 years at this job right out of grad school.

Having too much fun while working.

Double Entendre

April has been a month of double entendres.

Let me tell you all about them, yes?

Announcement
We were practicing for the student showcase.  I was watching one group, and my boss was watching another.  At one point, my boss asked to switch groups.  So, we switched.

Remember the boy who was being a diva about "opening" for someone else?  Ya, well, I swapped to see them practice.

I guess my boss introduced them in a certain way.  One of the boys said, "Okay, so you have to introduce us like this, 'Ladies and gentlemen, from near and far, I present to you V and J!!!"

.....I had to stop for a second to think of what I was about to say.

"Ladies and gentlemen, from near and far, I present to you V and J!!!!"

I made a conscious decision to change it to "J and V."  And in the end, the student MC didn't say it that way anyway.

Later, I had to tell the interns about it.  AND I had to warn my boss about possibly saying that in front of a larger group of people, but she had no idea that "vajayjay" was a nick-name for vagina!

*palmface*

Open Room Concepts
We took some kids out of class to do some bit of their leadership project.  Afterward, we had to return them to class.

The classrooms are set up in a way that the rooms in the center of the hall don't have doors.  It works perfectly fine in elementary school age.  But in the middle school, it's an open invitation to walk out or randomly walk in and visit friends - which, there's a high rate of.

So, as we're walking the 3 kids back, two of them enter through the first door and the other student goes to the second door, which is further down the hall.  One of the students entering the first door says to the student going to the second door, "Hey!  Where are you going?"  But they see that he's walking into the second door.

I utter, somewhat under my breath, "Huh, I guess he likes the back door....I'm gonna shut up now..."

The intern that was with me gave me a look, and I hung my head down low as we walked away from the classroom.

Bulk Strawberries
One of the lunch mothers brought a couple of strawberries for us to share in.  They were ginormous!

We asked her where she got them, and she said she went to BJ's (for those who might not know, it's like Costco or Sam's Club...and I know...that's not the entire story).

As my boss chomped on her strawberry, we commented on how huge it was.  I said I've never had strawberries from BJ's before, though they must be big because of all the pesticides and hormones.

My boss responded, with a big bite of strawberry in her mouth, "I've had BJ's."

One of the interns laughed.  I held my breath for a moment, and thought of changing the subject but couldn't think fast enough.

I stumbled, "Uh..uh..I've never been to BJ's..only Costco's....."

Then my boss left to run errands, and the intern and myself just laughed our asses off.

Gripping the Grass Roots - Finalities and Question Marks

In being unemployed, I've had a lot of time to think about next steps.  The problem is this:  It's hard for me to imagine not working with kids.

The bigger problem:  Funding is virtually non-existent for social services and non-profits programs.

I've been thinking a lot about combining my day job and my night job into something that makes sense.  I'm still working on it, believe me.

In the last week, my staff and I have produced a fabulous show for our middle school students.  Originally, we were calling it a showcase, which separates it from a "talent show," since it's more about the many strengths that our students exhibit.  The show, entitled "Leaders Rising," focused on positive creative outlets as tactics for stress management.

Yes, on the surface, it seems like a regular talent show.  But we've gone through hoops to document all the things they've done to make the show happen.  We'd also interviewed them about how they deal with stress.  Throughout the year, we tackled difficult issues like drugs and alcohol abuse, teen prostitution, and dating violence.  Though we had a limited amount of time to discuss these topics, we're hopeful that they'll walk away with something.

But, back to the show.

Oh my goodness.  I was exhausted for the 2 weeks leading up to the event.  There were practices, sign-in sheets, letting teachers know, letting administrators know, practices, letting city officials know, letting parents know, getting music, editing footage, getting supplies, organizing a timeline, and practices.

We managed to run into a whole slew of obstacles, from an administrator pretending that she didn't know anything about it to kids being in detention to kids fighting with each other because they're stressed about perfection.  But, I love the moment right when the show begins.

The lights go off, and our 8th grade MC takes the lead.  The roar of the audience at the first act, and the amazing things that the kids are able to do on stage (singing though they're SO freaked out, krumping, stepping, and signing the chorus to "Heal the World" after only learning the signs a week earlier), and even the slight technical difficulties we had.  It is so inspiring - and I can only hope the kids in the audience would feel just as inspired.

I will admit that I will push the students to do their best.  Even when they're giving up and pissed off at their groups members, I'm trying to encourage them to keep going and that it's going to be awesome at the end.

Then, there are the times when I put my foot down.  When they're all acting a fool, because that's what adolescents do, I have to redirect them to the task at hand.

And then, there's this:
Background information -Though the show was originally just for the 8th grade, we incorporated a couple of 7th grade acts because they were prominent in our program and have been involved in past Talent Shows we've produced.  The first act were two boys who were singing, "All I Do" by B5 (seriously, I've never heard this song before they sang this for practice).  Right up to the start of the show, they kept changing their minds about what they were singing.  Perhaps one of them felt less secure about the original song choice, perhaps they wanted to impress a certain group of girls more with the second song - whatever!  They finally settled after figuring out that we don't have the resources to just suddenly change the song that's on cue (i.e., there wasn't wireless internet access for us to download the instrumental of the song they changed their mind to).  Then this happened.

7th grade boy:  "Man, I don't open for no one!"
Me (turning my head so fast I could have given myself whiplash):  "...excuse me?  What did you just say??  You BETTER CHECK YOUR EGO!!!  If you think that this is some special show for you, you better get over it!  No one is opening for anyone in this show!  That's not even what this is about!  You are so lucky that we even thought to INVITE you to be part of this (referring to all the trouble he's been in)!  But if you want to go there, then FINE!  The 7th graders are OPENING for the 8th graders!  And when YOU'RE and 8th grader, then you can have people open for you!  But you better check your ego before this show begins!!!"
7th grade boy:  "mumble mumble something under his breath to his friends"
Me (to his singing partner, who was actually the LEAD singer):  "Is he always such a DIVA???"
7th grade boy singing partner:  *shrug*

From http://mickeyandminnie.tumblr.com/

Clearly, not one of my finest moments as a social worker.  But no one can ever say that I would make a good clinician, and in fact, I've stated that I'd make a horrible clinician.  The way I see it, if the kids want to dish it out, they better be ready to take it from an adult who knows better.  Of course, I'm all about empowerment - I have the MSW, don't I?  But seriously, there are times when you can be straight up with the kids.

My intern, who overheard my going off on him, said she would have shat her pants if I went off on her like that.  I also warned my boss that I had that conversation with him, as she's his counselor, and she laughed as well. 

The real funny bit about all this is that when that 7th grader was a 4th grader, and we held our first Talent Show, he virtually disappeared right before he went on stage!  He was so nervous, he didn't know what to do with himself.  My boss and his 4th grade teacher were the ones to help get him back on that stage, and stayed at the edge of the stage to keep encouraging him.

Now look where he is.  Though, really, I'm sure it was fine even after I went off on him.  When they started off the show, you could barely hear them over the screaming girls.

But now, here I am enjoying the week of April Vacation.  Our final event of the year is behind us, and it was a major success after so many obstacles.  It could also possibly be the final event of the life of the organization.  So much finality in one little event.

What's next for me in my journey?  Can I properly use my MSW towards sexual health education?  Should I move back home?  What's next?